A Non-Slurpee 7/11 FiPS Food & Drink Roundup

It's SUMMA BITCHES! Shit's been SO DAMN HOTT out there. This past week, shit's also been SO DAMN HOTT in the world of Park Slope food & drink. It's a literal whirlwind out there! Times be tough. Restaurants can't survive no more. There is no future. We're all gonna die one day. Before we all die, let's reflect on all the recent activity in Park Slope...

It's SUMMA BITCHES! That means your fat ass should be inhaling as much ice cream as humanly possible before the shitty winter months arrive. In furtherance of this cause, next Tuesday Ample Hills is finally getting around to opening up their MEGASHOP in Parkwanus. Gorge away, ice cream enthusiast. SALTED CRACK CARAMEL!!! FAT! ASS!

Do you like new signage? Does the idea of fresh, commercial signage just get you SO DAMN HOTT?!!! This past week, signage finally went up at two of the Barclays area's coming attractions--Doughnut Plant & Shake Shack. Stop by the Barclays area. Gaze up at the new signage. Take a mental pic. Go off & masturbate somewhere.

Click to read more ...

'Daily News' Wants to Clean Up the Gowanus with Vaginal Sponges

Oh, Daily News.  What are you doing?

In a recent story about how Mayor Bloomberg is going to plant a park along the Gowanus Canal to soak up all of the overflowing water during a heavy rain, the News used an oh-so-very-current reference from Seinfeld in their sub-headline, pronouncing the Gowanus "sponge-worthy."  The upshot of the story is that the funding is finally in place to build a so-called "sponge park" along the banks of Brooklyn's favorite Superfund site.

First of all, it's stupid to call this a "sponge park," because there will be no sessile sea animals of of the phylum Porifera in this particular park. So, if you were getting your kids all excited about showing them marine life in a neighborhood park, well, prepare to be disappointed.

Oh, no. This is a park that will have regular old garden-variety plants that drink water. Two years ago, the city planted tree pits along 4th Avenue to try to deal with this problem, but apparently, that didn't work. So, now they're going bigger. With a whole park of plants that will allegedly drink sewer water, so that the sewer plants don't back up and deposit poop in your basement. I'd say, "don't hold your breath," except you might have to, 'cause I'm willing to bet that even with this new park, the Gowanus will still smell like a giant turd.

But back to the Daily News. A reference from a sitcom that's 20 years old? And not just any ancient pop-culture reference, but one that refers to a vaginal contraceptive sponge?!? Wow. So, what are your readers supposed to think, Daily News? Should they be worried that if they visit this park, they'll be expected to insert these plants into their hoo-hoo? Will this park give them toxic shock syndrome? Can the Gowanus Canal prevent pregancy, or will it forever be relegated to promoting birth defects? Only time will tell, I suppose.  

In other news, vaginal sponges have actually been back on the market for the past several years. Which makes me think that perhaps the quickest way to clean up the Gowanus would be to manufacture one giant contraceptive sponge, stick it in the Gowanus, and let it soak up the all the toxic waste. I mean, if it works in a vaginal canal, why wouldn't it work in the Gowanus Canal?

Whole Foods Construction Update!

Well, looky here folks. A FiPS tipster kindly sent in this photo showing some major progress being made on the Whole Foods site on 3rd Ave. in Gowanus. 

They finished the foundation and what appears to be the basement level walls. Two Iron workers, a couple guys on the ground, and a crane operator got all of this beam work done in a couple days.

It's all happening.

New Gowanus DIY Company Kicks Off With The Building of Dinosaurs!

If there’s one thing we Slopers love, it’s dinosaurs (obviously.) But if there’s a second thing we love (nearly as much as we love dinosaurs), it’s the Do-It-Yourself movement. After all, we’ve all built our own IKEA furniture at one time or another! And though we’ve all been known to have a drink or two at the Clover Club, we’d certainly prefer a fancy cocktail made right in the comfort of our own homes. Heck, I even own Mastering the Arts of French Cooking. I’m practically a DIY chef.

But what about those of you who are good at making things that require a decent amount of work space? In a tiny New York apartment, there’s just not much of a way to do that. I’m guessing that’s exactly what Phillip Crosby has in mind with The Brooklyn Garage, a DIY paradise coming soon to Gowanus.

Click to read more ...

A Mascot for the Gowanus Canal (and other BK Neighborhoods)

Maybe? (via toyark.com)

If adults serving on organizational committees know one thing about children, it's that the kids will listen to talking animals: The bear wants you to snuff that campfire! The firefly wants you to not get electrocuted! The camel wants to take you to flavor town!

So, perhaps it should not come as a a surprise that the folks behind the Superfund cleanup of the Gowanus Canal want to create a mascot to teach kids about the effort to scrub gonorrhea from the waters.

Most of the suggestions (so far) are talking beasts, headlined by "Sludgy the Whale," the unfortunate marine mammal who succumbed to the canal's disgustingness five years ago. (Which begs the question, will it be the whale's ghost? Zombie whale? Died-for-our-sins-and-spent-three-days-in-Gowanus-Canal Jesus whale?)

Click to read more ...