Time Warner Sucks A Dick: It's ON!

Ok, bitches: its time to stop being polite and start getting real.

All weekend long, our internet has been out. So that's like going on SIX DAYS now. It was Thanksgiving weekend, and my ass was stuck at home. There's only so much fucking leftover and stuffing one can eat before feelin' the itch to watch Youtube videos about cats or download porn, know what I'm sayin? Unfortch, that was not an option.

Ok, so let's play: guess who our cable provider is!???

I'll give you 3 hints:

1. They suck a gigantic hairy dick.

2. They are universally hated by every man, woman and child in the NYC metropolitan area.

3. In an informal poll (i.e. Twitter bitching) their customer service has been rated most "FUCKED UP, HORRIBLE, HORRENDOUS, RIDONKULOUS" out of all of corporate America.

Yep, you guessed it! TIME MOTHERFUCKING WARNER!

They're giving us some bullshit about an "outage" causing our issues in N. Park Slope, but outages last a few hours, people...NOT SIX DAYS.

So, in celebration of our (almost) week long internet outage, I'd like to initiate a week long celebration of all the many, many, many, many ways in which Time Warner sux!

• If you are a BK/NYC blogger, I encourage you to blog about your own shitty experiences with Time Warner and share with the world your feelings about why you hope all TW employees get the H1N1 virus (email your posts to me, people! I will link to them on my blog! effedinparkslope at gmail dot com).
• If you are on Twitter, use the hashtag #timewarnersux to share some juicy TW rants with us all (@effedparkslope in your Tweet and I will retweet!).
• Leave your comments below. And don't hold back, bitches...you are in a safe place here.

We're comin after you Time Warner...and its not gonna be pretty.

HOLY WAFFLES, PARK SLOPE, IT’S NUMBER 5 RECYCLING DAY!

Many of my Sundays are spent at the Tea Lounge pretending I’m advancing my career as a writer (come say s'up, friends!).  Usually, I make my grand entrance onto Union street from Seventh--this is so the coopretards and I stay clear out of each other’s paths. 

Yesterday, I made the mistake of approaching the Tea Lounge from Fifth (foreshadowing: BIG MISTAKE). As a result, I had to walk through the most insane Coop madness I’ve ever seen: NUMBER FIVE RECYCLING DAY!!!! 

Click to read more ...

Miracle Grill Closing?

Hells to the yeah, according to OTBKB:

"I just heard from a very reliable source that Miracle Grill, the Tex-Mex restaurant on Seventh Avenue and 3rd Street, will be closing. Sunday is their last day. My source was  told by an employee at the restaurant."

Also, HOLY SHIT!: Bobby Flay was the original chef there??

Anyway.

I was always kinda meh about Miracle, though it def sucks balls if their shuttering is recesh related.

That's a pretty hot piece of real estate ass they've got though on that corner...if this shit is true, wonder who will take it over next?

Man vs. Toddler

(via Buzzfeed)

Pavillion Movie Theater to Park Slope: 'THERE ARE NO FUCKING BEDBUGS HERE, BITCHES'

Ok, so that's not *exactly* a direct quote, but the sentiment is there.

Gothamist published a follow-up to the recent controversh on Brooklynian, which claimed that there was a "giant bedbug problem" at the Pavillion. We piped up about the whole thing as well, though mostly to just say: OMGOMGOMG, is this true?

Well, Gothamist actually has people who fact check shit and get quotes, so they got in touch with the Pavillion's General Manager who had this to say about the bedbug claims: "That is innacurate information, we do not have a bedbug problem."

Ok, so fine...I guess the choice is yours people.

UNLESS, of course, the Pavillion wants to invite over a group of bitter Brooklynian posters and some bitchy FIPSers, along with a 3rd party impartial exterminator of our choice for, oh I don't know, a free movie and black light investigation? Cause that would kinda rule.

Amy Sohn & Emily Gould...The Next Iron Chefs

Ok, follow along bitches cause it doesn't really get much more meta than this:

Park Slope author (and BR-ALLER) Amy Sohn, whose book Prospect Park West deliciously satirizes the nabe, makes malfatti (from a recipe by Anna Klinger from Al Di La)--a restaurant that is also mentioned in PPW--in Emily Gould's kitchen. Emily Gould used to be the editor of Gawker, a blog that previously dug making fun of Park Slope a whole hell of a lot before they got quite so big-n-important (Gawker is *also* mentioned in PPW).

Emily Gould used to dig making fun of people a lot too, until she realized that, whoops, she sorta didn't anymore. So then she quit Gawker, and wrote a controversial NYT Magazine tell all about what its like to live your life in the public eye. After that, everyone kinda hated the shit out of her for awhile, but she wasn't sweatin it, b/c she got a whopper of a book deal.

Right.

So now Emily Gould lives nearish to Park Slope--the neighborhood that, just as a reminder, is the very one Amy Sohn makes fun of in HER book PPW. And Emily kinda makes fun of people who make fun of Park Slope in her post for This Recording entitled: "In Which Emily Gould is Bored to Death of Brooklyn Cliches." And some people are kinda hating the shit out of Amy Sohn now, for further reinforcing the idea of of these Park Slope cliches by making fun of them all in her book, but she's not sweatin it because Sarah Jessica Parker optioned her book for an HBO series, AND she's already working on the sequel.

Fuckin A.

Pretty trippy, huh?

Sidenote: my fave Emily Gould memory is that pic of her (scroll down), flipping us all off in her red bathing suit. I remember seeing it on the day it was published on Gawker and being utterly fascinated/impressed/jealous of the self confidence required to not only pose for a pic like that, but to come up with the fucking idea in the first place.

So, anyway, now Amy Sohn and Emily Gould are making pasta together in Emily's kitchen and I, for one, can't look away.

If you want to cook more books with Gould, head on over to Emily Magazine.

Cafe Regular Throwdown

Though I get my caffeine fix from Diet Coke and don't really give a shit about coffee, I *do* love a good fight. And it seems like one is brewing at Cafe Regular.

The other day I received the following email:

Hey there --

The regulars of the coffee shop Cafe Regular (the original 5th Ave location) are in an uproar! Martin O'Connell, the longtime and legendarily sarcastic wizard of the espresso machine, was apparently ousted by his sister suddenly this week.  And renovations are planned for this holiday weekend, including the introduction of a computer, uniforms for the staff etc.  A drastic about-face for this much-loved, low-key neighborhood spot.

Maybe your blog could get to the bottom of these sudden changes? Thank you!

Thankfully Grub Street beat me to the punch (hint: its an old fashioned family feud!). Read all about it...

Put Out, or Take Out: Istanbul Park

Behold: our new semi-regular video series, Put Out, or Take Out.

Here's the thing: we order out a LOT. And yeah, we obvs always do so with the intention of getting some really delicious food. But ordering out isn't *only* about the taste of your Kung Pao shrimp. It's also very much about whether or not the dude who answers the phone understands English and can properly take your order, whether or not your shit was packed up by a blind person, whether or not said blind person included chopsticks or plastic ware, or whether or not the delivery guy has a pen for you to sign your cc receipt.

Put Out, or Take Out aims to go deep down into the dark underbelly of Park Slope take out cuisine to uncover the cold hard facts of what goes down from the moment you dial the restaurant, till the moment you throw out all your leftover shit into the plastic bag, tie it up and leave it sitting on top of the garbage because you're too much of a lazy fuck to bring it down to the trash room.

We'll also have a group of rotating guests as we work our way through the nabe that will, hopefully, be way funnier and more entertaining than my ass is.

Restaurant reviews are a dime a dozen, but no one else ever tells you whether or not these take out joints actually put out...until now.

Ok, so a couple things to note:

Click to read more ...

8 Questions With Playwright Blair Singer

I met Blair Singer on the street. He used to live around the block from us, and he has a Basset Hound named Bill, and I guess that was enough to get me to ditch the whole "don't talk to strangers" bullshit that no one seems to pay attention to in Park Slope anyway.

Greg-n-I started running into the dude a lot...sometimes we'd even walk around the block together. The more we started to talk, the more we realized Blair totally rules...and that, wow, he is a writer! He's not really the braggy sort, so I googled his ass on IMDB and found out he's done all sorts of shit. Like wrote actual episodes of one of my fave shows of all time, Weeds! (a fact that I've still yet to discuss with him, but anyway...). He recently had his play, Matthew Modine Saves the Alpacas, produced at LA's Geffen Playhouse, and now he's bringing it all back to NYC with a new play that is about to open, Meg's New Friend.

You should just buy some tix now, b/c your ass could seriously use some culture...trust me (Greg and I are going Dec 11--wanna have a FIPS field trip?).

Click to read more ...

The Dog Whisperer Should Be Raising Your Kids

If you've ever seen the Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic channel, you know that the dude is a fucking miracle worker.

In fact, in an article in the NYT today, there are quite a few parents who claim that Cesar Millan's techniques work pretty darn well with kids too.

So, yeah: embrace that shit, Park Slope! Then the next time I'm at the Teat Lounge and your little bebe comes rollin on up to me with frosting all over their hands and goes to reach out and touch my macbook, I can let loose with a "TTTSSSSHHHHHHHHH!," and they'll know to back the fuck off.

Cool?