A Non-Slurpee 7/11 FiPS Food & Drink Roundup

It's SUMMA BITCHES! Shit's been SO DAMN HOTT out there. This past week, shit's also been SO DAMN HOTT in the world of Park Slope food & drink. It's a literal whirlwind out there! Times be tough. Restaurants can't survive no more. There is no future. We're all gonna die one day. Before we all die, let's reflect on all the recent activity in Park Slope...

It's SUMMA BITCHES! That means your fat ass should be inhaling as much ice cream as humanly possible before the shitty winter months arrive. In furtherance of this cause, next Tuesday Ample Hills is finally getting around to opening up their MEGASHOP in Parkwanus. Gorge away, ice cream enthusiast. SALTED CRACK CARAMEL!!! FAT! ASS!

Do you like new signage? Does the idea of fresh, commercial signage just get you SO DAMN HOTT?!!! This past week, signage finally went up at two of the Barclays area's coming attractions--Doughnut Plant & Shake Shack. Stop by the Barclays area. Gaze up at the new signage. Take a mental pic. Go off & masturbate somewhere.

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Windsor Terrace Bar Name Gets the Tomahawk Chop

The Washington Redskins. The Cleveland Indians. The Atlanta Braves. All three are storied sports franchises that have existed for years with names that Native Americans kind of take offense towards. Aunt Jemima. Uncle Ben. Lucky from Lucky Charms. All three are mascots that have played off racial stereotypes for decades in the the interest of enticing consumers. In America, we're big fans of cultural appropriation.

Take Mohawk Tavern, a recently-opened bar over in Windsor Terrace from the same folks who brought you Park Slope's Skylark & Gowanus' Lowlands Bar. Over at KensingtonBK, a blog that I didn't know existed until coming across this story, they recently posted a short interview with the co-owners. It didn't take long for commenters to voice their opinion on the name, reminding us that the Mohawk people are a tribe of Native Americans who have already endured enough, including years of battles with alcohol addiction. They don't need some Brooklyn bar piling on by naming itself after the tribe.

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A Tale of Two Bars

Bars bars bars bars bars bars bars. Every time you blink there's a new friggin bar in Park Slope. I wish I could keep up but I just can't, or more specifically, my liver wallet can't. Does that make me sad? I guess. Case in point: two new bars opened up last week. Both places--a wine bar/Turkish tapas spot called Pierre Loti & a "cocktail bar" named Parish--are TOTALLY CLASSY. Since I love class & need to keep up & can never find enough places in which to consume alcohol, I paid both a visit over the past week.

First up was Pierre Loti, a NYC mini-chain with locales in Chelsea, Midtown & Union Sq. It's named after some French dude. DON'T CARE. Now they've got a bar on 5th Ave & St Marks, in the space that used to host the failed Canaille wine bar. Park Slope is Pierre’s Loti's first trek across the bridge & let's be honest here...if you're a bar/restaurant expanding out of Manhattan into Brooklyn for the first time, you're likely looking at Williamsburg or Park Slope. Park Slope LOVES a good wine bar. Wine bars are TOTALLY CLASSY...an environment where breeders can freely mingle with ballers. It kind of makes sense that Pierre Loti would open up their first Brooklyn joint here.

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RUMORSVILLE: LOKI DOKEY?

It's like some scraggly, bearded, irrelevant septuagenarian kinda-Minnesotan Jew once said back in the days when it actually meant something but ultimately didn't:

THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGIN'

In the lonely village of what I suppose you could refer to as "Rumorsville, Brooklyn" we've learned that the times they are a changin' in Park Slope. Get ready for a yuppie in every brownstone!

Here's the deal...y'all recall how LOKI Lounge has been around for forevs...1999 & shit? Bar in the front, "lounge" in the back? Somewhat recently "secret" steakhouse 'round the bend? Welp...you may have to reconsider your current stance on moving upstate & working on Maggie's farm because in Park Slope, the times they are a-TOTALLY changin'.

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You Can Pick Your Bar But You Can't Pick Your Nose

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. Cheers & shit, y'know? For years, being poor or antisocial or "fiscally responsible" meant that I didn't go out enough to establish a regular Brooklyn haunt. Then, a few years back, I threw fiscal responsibility out the window and found myself going out a lot more, allowing me to start becoming a regular at places. I'm fickle though, so when it comes to my watering holes, I go through phases.

It all started with Sea Witch, the South Slope bar that opened almost two years ago and quickly became a favorite of mine. Each time I visited, there was still the same mix of awesome music & food & always at least one new beer on tap. The giant fish tank behind the bar gave me the opportunity to ponder life, as I scanned the tank to see which fish had died since my last visit.

More recently, I became more Union St-centric and, as a result, found myself hanging out a lot at the end of the bar at the 5th Ave Zito's, sipping on Sixpoint & paying attention to some NBA game I had no stake in whatsoever.

Over the past few months, I moved down the street a bit and started spending a lot of time sampling the craft beer selection at High Dive. When picking a place to call my own, I'm always going to gravitate toward places with a good beer selection.

Sometimes I have blind spots though and, until this past Tuesday, had never stepped foot inside The Owl Farm, the relatively-new 9th St bar that opened up back in June of 2012, replacing er...beloved (?) neighborhood mainstay Harry Boland's Pub.

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