Here's a Brooklyn Christmas treat for you: Brooklyn's finest set of depressing indie droners, The National, get transmogrified into Christmas ornaments on every nerd's favorite cartoon, "Bob's Burgers" (you know that show is set in Brooklyn, or NYC at least) -- trans-bob-grafied, if you will. All so they can sing Linda Belcher's "Christmas Magic." I expect that should get you Brooklyn hipsters into the holiday spirit, just enough to earn a place on Santa's so-naughty-let's-just-not-even-talk-about-it list. Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas. Welcome to Whassup: So This Is Chrimbus Edition:
* ALL WINTER: Bartel-Pritchard Greenmarket: The corner of Prospect Park, at 15th Street and Prospect Park West, has hosted a produce and seafood market summers and falls, and will now stay open for the winter. So, go get some greens to put inside you while the whole city is white. (That was a snow comment, not a racial thing. Don't make it political.) Open Wednesdays, except Christmas and New Year's Eves, 8am-3pm.
* CHRISTMAS: Traditional Jewish Christmas (Chinese Feast), Mile End (Boerum Hill): If you're Jewish, or if the Bumpuses' dogs nosh your turkey (sonsabitches!!), you might be in search of a "traditional" Xmas meal of Kung Pao, Generl Tso and the like. Boerum Hill's Mile End Deli gets all fusion with it, fixing up Chinese-Jewish fare like "corned beef and kraut wontons." Email email@example.com or call 646-494-9508 for reservations. Also happens Dec. 26. $65 reservations.
* Friday, Dec. 26-New Year's Eve: Deer Tick 10, Brooklyn Bowl (Williamsburg): Deer Tick is great. Take John McCauley's rasp (which makes the band's Nirvana impression as Deervana so eerie), add some fine alt-country songwriting and you have a downright fantastic live music experience. The band is celebrating its 10th anniversary with a mini-residency at Brooklyn Bowl, leading up to a big New Year's Eve show. The first few nights, they're covering entire albums from musicians they (presumably) admire: NRBQ, Lou Reed, the Beatles, Devo, and Elvis Costello -- as well as Deer Tick originals each night. For New Year's Eve, they'll play a fan-chosen Deer Tick set. And who knows, they may even throw a "Scentless Apprentice" or "In Bloom" in there for you Deervana fans. At midnight, the entire band will hardcore make out with you. Dec. 26-30: $25, 8:30pm. New Year's: $40-$50, 9pm.
* Sunday, Dec. 28: Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction, Union Hall: Spend Sunday in church -- the church of boning (by far the best church). The "fan" in this show comes from the audience, which suggests topics for erotic fan fiction. The "fiction" comes from the comedians, who make up the stories on the spot. The "competitive" comes from how the worst performers are ritually circumcised and/or devoured (I assume). The "erotic" comes from all the boners it will give you. It's a great way to forget all that family time of Christmas. 8pm, $10.
* NEW YEAR'S EVE: Dig Deeper: Joshie Jo Armstead, Littlefield: Dig Deeper has long been one of the cooler, classier music series in the Park Slope area. And New Year's Eve is all about class (right up until the moment you're vomiting champagne in the back of your Uber car.) The series, if you don't know, brings old-school soul and R&B performers to Brooklyn, to show they still got it (and it, invariably, is something they've still got). Joshi Jo Armstead was one of the original Ikettes (please ignore, for the moment, all those unpleasant things you know about Ike Turner) and wrote songs for Ray Charles. Snap your fingers like you got some class already. 9pm, $45-$50.
* Friday, Jan. 2: 50 First Jokes, Bell House: Santa hasn't even staggered out of your house yet, tipsy on nog and holiday cheer, but it's still not too early to plan for the year ahead. First resolution: more laughter. It burns calories, makes you look fun and attractive to the opposite sex, and bares your fangs so you may intimidate the beta males in your pack. That's how you get the chance to pass on your precious genetic material. Speaking of material, 50 of New York's finest comedians (well, 50 of New York's comedians, anyway) will share their newest material of the year. Thankfully, it won't be genetic (in most cases), but rather comedic. Each funny person shares one and only one joke, their first (publicly performed) jest of 2015. Some will bomb. Some will define the year ahead. Some will be motherfucking prophecy. Come see which is which. 8pm, $10-$12.