'Daily News' Wants to Clean Up the Gowanus with Vaginal Sponges

Oh, Daily News.  What are you doing?

In a recent story about how Mayor Bloomberg is going to plant a park along the Gowanus Canal to soak up all of the overflowing water during a heavy rain, the News used an oh-so-very-current reference from Seinfeld in their sub-headline, pronouncing the Gowanus "sponge-worthy."  The upshot of the story is that the funding is finally in place to build a so-called "sponge park" along the banks of Brooklyn's favorite Superfund site.

First of all, it's stupid to call this a "sponge park," because there will be no sessile sea animals of of the phylum Porifera in this particular park. So, if you were getting your kids all excited about showing them marine life in a neighborhood park, well, prepare to be disappointed.

Oh, no. This is a park that will have regular old garden-variety plants that drink water. Two years ago, the city planted tree pits along 4th Avenue to try to deal with this problem, but apparently, that didn't work. So, now they're going bigger. With a whole park of plants that will allegedly drink sewer water, so that the sewer plants don't back up and deposit poop in your basement. I'd say, "don't hold your breath," except you might have to, 'cause I'm willing to bet that even with this new park, the Gowanus will still smell like a giant turd.

But back to the Daily News. A reference from a sitcom that's 20 years old? And not just any ancient pop-culture reference, but one that refers to a vaginal contraceptive sponge?!? Wow. So, what are your readers supposed to think, Daily News? Should they be worried that if they visit this park, they'll be expected to insert these plants into their hoo-hoo? Will this park give them toxic shock syndrome? Can the Gowanus Canal prevent pregancy, or will it forever be relegated to promoting birth defects? Only time will tell, I suppose.  

In other news, vaginal sponges have actually been back on the market for the past several years. Which makes me think that perhaps the quickest way to clean up the Gowanus would be to manufacture one giant contraceptive sponge, stick it in the Gowanus, and let it soak up the all the toxic waste. I mean, if it works in a vaginal canal, why wouldn't it work in the Gowanus Canal?