'Daily News' Wants to Clean Up the Gowanus with Vaginal Sponges

Oh, Daily News.  What are you doing?

In a recent story about how Mayor Bloomberg is going to plant a park along the Gowanus Canal to soak up all of the overflowing water during a heavy rain, the News used an oh-so-very-current reference from Seinfeld in their sub-headline, pronouncing the Gowanus "sponge-worthy."  The upshot of the story is that the funding is finally in place to build a so-called "sponge park" along the banks of Brooklyn's favorite Superfund site.

First of all, it's stupid to call this a "sponge park," because there will be no sessile sea animals of of the phylum Porifera in this particular park. So, if you were getting your kids all excited about showing them marine life in a neighborhood park, well, prepare to be disappointed.

Oh, no. This is a park that will have regular old garden-variety plants that drink water. Two years ago, the city planted tree pits along 4th Avenue to try to deal with this problem, but apparently, that didn't work. So, now they're going bigger. With a whole park of plants that will allegedly drink sewer water, so that the sewer plants don't back up and deposit poop in your basement. I'd say, "don't hold your breath," except you might have to, 'cause I'm willing to bet that even with this new park, the Gowanus will still smell like a giant turd.

But back to the Daily News. A reference from a sitcom that's 20 years old? And not just any ancient pop-culture reference, but one that refers to a vaginal contraceptive sponge?!? Wow. So, what are your readers supposed to think, Daily News? Should they be worried that if they visit this park, they'll be expected to insert these plants into their hoo-hoo? Will this park give them toxic shock syndrome? Can the Gowanus Canal prevent pregancy, or will it forever be relegated to promoting birth defects? Only time will tell, I suppose.  

In other news, vaginal sponges have actually been back on the market for the past several years. Which makes me think that perhaps the quickest way to clean up the Gowanus would be to manufacture one giant contraceptive sponge, stick it in the Gowanus, and let it soak up the all the toxic waste. I mean, if it works in a vaginal canal, why wouldn't it work in the Gowanus Canal?

A Woman Fell Into the Gowanus Canal

Photo via NY Mag

Yesterday around 6PM, a woman somehow became submerged in the Gowanus Canal near Union and Bond Street. An FDNY Spokesman stated that the woman was rescued and sent to Methodist Hospital for treatment, but did not specify what kind of condition she was in. We should all pray/collectively send any karma we have racked up/send this woman well wishes, because that's the Gowanus cesspool is that LAST place you want to fall into around here. 

[Via Gothamist]

Synchronized Swimmers Can't Be Paid Enough Money to Swim in The Gowanus Canal

Photo by Jackie Snow, Vanity Fair

Vanity Fair recently profiled two Brooklyn synchronized swimmers, Nicole Sciarrillo and Nicole Salm, who founded a synchronized swim team called the Brooklyn Peaches nearly a year ago. 

When asked if they'd ever perform in local waters, they admitted to swimming on the Bay Side of the Rockaways, and emerging from the water dripping in gasoline from nearby boats. "It was just disgusting," they told the magazine. "But it was so worth it. It was so much fun. It was mind over matter."

But was it fun enough to test a more daring body of water? One that would, say, undoubtedly turn swimmers into radioactive sea monsters?  

"There was a director that I was talking to and he was like, "I’ve always wanted to shoot synchronized swimmers in the Gowanus Canal." I was like, "You could not pay me enough money." I would not swim in that canal for the life of me."

Good call, ladies.

Will Tree Pits Make Gowanus Smell Less Like Shit?

Photo via Gothamist

The Gowanus Canal smells like shit.  You know why?  Because whenever there's a light rain, it fills up with shit. And unless you can convince all of Park Slope to refrain from eating Indian food when it rains, this problem is not going away anytime soon.

The city has come up with a brilliant plan to make it smell better, though. They've constructed these drainage ditches along 4th Avenue that have been topped with a bunch of poo-eating plants or something, so that the raw sewage doesn't get dumped in the canal...

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Who Gives a Shit: Would You Drink Wine From The Gowanus Canal?

J.C. RICE / The NY Post

73 year-old Joseph Mariano once fell into the Gowanus Canal. "And I'm still here," he says of the incident. With this in mind, perhaps we can put aside our negative feelings toward the watery, toxic stinkfest and embrace Mariano's life endeavor: he produces wine from a 50-foot grapevine located only a few blocks away from the canal. 

“I have no fear about it,” he tells the NY Post.  “It has a very unique flavor.”

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