'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Park Slo -- haha, just kidding, I'm not doing that. But Christmas is in a week. I know you're supposed to use the neutral "holidays." But even that misses the point. Let's focus on the real national religion here: buying unnecessary crap. It's a mission we all must complete this holiday season, lest the national economy collapse. But I don't want you to forget about yourselves as you hustle about putting ties and travel-shaving kits on credit for your uncles. Go out and get yourself something nice, too! Like a Sixpoint at Union Hall. Welcome to Whassup: Almost X-Mas Edition:
* Through Saturday, Jan 3: Holiday Light Spectuacular, 22nd Street: Dream of a Hawaiian Christmas this frigid winter by venturing all the way down to balmy South Slope. Homeowners at 310A 22nd St. have the tropical-tiki version of Clark Griswold's holiday garishness to share with you. The display opened Monday, and shows run Sunday through Thursday, starting at 5pm.
* Thursday, Dec. 18: Wasabassco's '70s Christmas Carol: I'm…not even going to try to outdo the excellent self-description of this event, from local burlesque favorites Wasabassco: "It’s the heartwarming and funky tale of miserly nightclub owner Scrooge and the ghostly visitations and spectral stripteases that teach her the true meaning of Christmas: sweet, sweet lovin’ under the disco ball." Beat that, Alastair Sim. 7:30pm, $20.
* Friday, Dec. 19: Dylan, Guthrie, etc. Photos, Jalopy: Know what's even better than listening to the music of the Mount Rushmore of Americana (Bob Dylan, Woody, Guthrie, Muddy Waters, etc.)? Looking at those Rushmoric faces as they make no sound! Right?! I'm underselling this, but it is quite cool. John Cohen, who's been playing folk music in NYC since 1958 with the New Lost City Ramblers, has a collection of photos of some of the giants of that scene. He'll share those -- along with, one would think, some great inside stories from the old days -- amidst sets of the old-time music that is Jalopy's old-time bread and butter. 8:30pm, $10.
* Saturday, Dec. 20: Chris Gethard Fuckin' Loves Weirdos, Union Hall: To start with, just look at that show title. It's pretty great, but not quite as spicy as the late show: "Chris Gethard Loves Fuckin' Weirdos." But, I kid, of course. The show description describes Gethard's affection for sharing different voices and talents on stage, which made me think this would be an interesting variety show of some sort. Nope: comedians. It's just comedians. Well, some are standup, some do video comedy, some theater. But Christ Gethard is an amazingly talented storyteller/performer, and I trust him to be a good curator of talent. Plus, I'm sure he'll share some short tales, or at least some stage banter, between sets. 7:30pm, $8.
* Until Tuesday, Dec. 23: Blankets for Beer, Mary's: Got an old blanket sans bed bugs or too-obvious pee stains? Got a hankering for a free beer, so you can leave some subtle new pee stains on other blankets, and so pay everything forward? Come to Mary's Bar and donate an old blankie to help out the less fortunate. It's a think people do once (AND ONLY ONCE) a year. But you shouldn't be expected to do it without getting free alcohol in return, right? It's part of Blank-Fest, and runs up through Christmas Eve-Eve.