Whassup: So This Is Chrimbus Edition

via ticketfly.com

Here's a Brooklyn Christmas treat for you: Brooklyn's finest set of depressing indie droners, The National, get transmogrified into Christmas ornaments on every nerd's favorite cartoon, "Bob's Burgers" (you know that show is set in Brooklyn, or NYC at least) -- trans-bob-grafied, if you will. All so they can sing Linda Belcher's "Christmas Magic." I expect that should get you Brooklyn hipsters into the holiday spirit, just enough to earn a place on Santa's so-naughty-let's-just-not-even-talk-about-it list. Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas. Welcome to Whassup: So This Is Chrimbus Edition:  

* ALL WINTER: Bartel-Pritchard Greenmarket: The corner of Prospect Park, at 15th Street and Prospect Park West, has hosted a produce and seafood market summers and falls, and will now stay open for the winter. So, go get some greens to put inside you while the whole city is white. (That was a snow comment, not a racial thing. Don't make it political.) Open Wednesdays, except Christmas and New Year's Eves, 8am-3pm.

* CHRISTMAS: Traditional Jewish Christmas (Chinese Feast), Mile End (Boerum Hill): If you're Jewish, or if the Bumpuses' dogs nosh your turkey (sonsabitches!!), you might be in search of a "traditional" Xmas meal of Kung Pao, Generl Tso and the like. Boerum Hill's Mile End Deli gets all fusion with it, fixing up Chinese-Jewish fare like "corned beef and kraut wontons." Email catering@mileenddeli.com or call 646-494-9508 for reservations. Also happens Dec. 26. $65 reservations. 

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Whassup: Almost X-Mas Edition

via southslopenews.com'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Park Slo -- haha, just kidding, I'm not doing that. But Christmas is in a week. I know you're supposed to use the neutral "holidays." But even that misses the point. Let's focus on the real national religion here: buying unnecessary crap. It's a mission we all must complete this holiday season, lest the national economy collapse. But I don't want you to forget about yourselves as you hustle about putting ties and travel-shaving kits on credit for your uncles. Go out and get yourself something nice, too! Like a Sixpoint at Union Hall. Welcome to Whassup: Almost X-Mas Edition: 

* Through Saturday, Jan 3: Holiday Light Spectuacular, 22nd Street: Dream of a Hawaiian Christmas this frigid winter by venturing all the way down to balmy South Slope. Homeowners at 310A 22nd St. have the tropical-tiki version of Clark Griswold's holiday garishness to share with you. The display opened Monday, and shows run Sunday through Thursday, starting at 5pm.  

* Thursday, Dec. 18: Wasabassco's '70s Christmas Carol: I'm…not even going to try to outdo the excellent self-description of this event, from local burlesque favorites Wasabassco: "It’s the heartwarming and funky tale of miserly nightclub owner Scrooge and the ghostly visitations and spectral stripteases that teach her the true meaning of Christmas: sweet, sweet lovin’ under the disco ball." Beat that, Alastair Sim. 7:30pm, $20.

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Whassup: Lounge No More Edition

via offtrackplanet.com

What's that? You're looking for a bed-bug ridden condo with sticky floors? You may be in luck! That's right, FiPS' old sparring partner (ok, punching bag) the Pavilion Theater is rumored to have a future as a residential building (or not). Honestly, by all rights, Pavilion should have been gentrified out of its own misery years ago. But Park Slope, and Brooklyn as a whole, are surely going to keep it up with the rapid change, whatever happens to good ol' Pavilion. See below, f'rinstance, and welcome to Whassup: Lounge No More Edition:

* Until Saturday, Dec. 20: Galapagos NY Goodbye! (DUMBO): Long-time art incubator Galapagos, which opened in Williamsburg (long before ALL THIS) in 1995 and moved to DUMBO in 2007, announced this weekend that it is fleeing Brooklyn for…Detroit. As of now, there are JUST FOUR shows left for the NY incarnation: the 5th Annual GUMBO (Gay DUMBO) party this Friday, Floating Kabarette (a circus and cabaret) on Saturday, a TED holiday party next Thursday, and the final Kabarette on Saturday, Dec. 20. That's it! Then, all the galapa-goes to Detroit, where the cheap prices of urban decay have created the kind of bohemian artists' haven that died long ago in New York (at least that's the idea). Come see a Galapagos show before you have to travel to fucking Michigan to do it.

* Until Sunday, Dec. 14: TEA LOUNGE'S LAST DAYS!: Whoa. This one is big (for Park Slope dwellers, anyway.) Tea Lounge -- THE TEA LOUNGE -- that place of copious seating being blocked by copious strollers -- has only four days left! No word yet on why (likely, given the way everything goes in Brooklyn these days, it's because of rising rent), but the neighborhood institution announced yesterday that it would be closing Sunday, Dec. 14. Stop by for a final mocha and/or beer. They've got a few events left, too, with musicians playing the next few nights. Open mic still on the calendar for Sunday, but who knows? The original Tea Lounge closed back in 2008, and the company started franchising a couple years ago. According to their website, there's one in Kuwait and one "coming soon" to Williamsburg. (But anyone know how long it's been saying that?) Anyway, unless you travel frequently to Kuwait, this is your last chance for Tea Lounging.

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Whassup: Decemberists Edition

 via yarr.me

Ah, December, the Friday of the year. It is also, incidentally, the worst month in which to be born. You will be doubled-up, as far as presents go, with Christmas. (It should go without saying, this is a very #firstworldproblem.) Jesus Christ, for instance, never once got that pony he asked for. And then they crucified him. Tough life. But your life is better, even if you were born in December, because you have the greatest gift of all: No, not your health, because you live in NY and subsist on takeout. I'm referring to hard liquor, of course! It shall flow through your veins like the Christmas spirit all this month, as you celebrate Brooklyn style. Welcome to Whassup: Decemberists Edition:

* NOW OPEN: Brooklyn Doughnut Plant (Prospect Heights): Yesterday, the first Brooklyn outpost of the Manhattan pastry heaven Doughnut Plant opened. These bastards make huge, square, gourmet (I suppose?) doughnuts filled with PB&J and peanut butter and banana cream. Go get yourself fat. You know you wanna. 

* Thursday, Dec. 4: A Little Chaos, Littlefield: If you were born on the East Coast, you may not know exactly what the Midwest is. For example, the Midwest does not mean Buffalo, so when Buffalo snuggled up under 5,000 feet of snow last month, that did not mean all of the central United States was buried (as some of my friends seemed to assume). So maybe this art opening will help. Brooklyn realist painter LJ Lindhurst is showing a series of (painted) snapshots of seemingly mundane events in Midwest life. They will all be of a fat Packers fan eating a casserole. 6pm, FREE.

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Whassup: Turkey Talking Edition

via galleryhip.com

Nutella. Public transportation in a winter city. Being an adult who knows how to handle a hangover. Yoga pants. What are you thankful for? Someone is likely to ask you this over Thanksgiving, so it's probably best to have an answer prepared. "My health" is a solid, if normcore response. "My good looks" is a great joke response if you are an unattractive bald uncle (hopefully, my future). But why not just go for the gusto, and start up an uncomfortable family discussion right off the bat? "I'm thankful we're going to put a Clinton back in the White House!"DISCUSSION INITIATED! But whatever you SAY, you should BE thankful for this: Brooklyn has everything you could possibly need to stay brain-numbed and entertained at all times. So get out there and show your tryptophan-addled brain something good. Welcome to Whassup: Turkey Talking Edition:

* Saturday, Nov. 29: Small Biz Saturday, Slope Shops: Black Friday? That's a shit-show of consumerist stampedes and exploited workers. Cyber Monday? Just clicking on a screen (with a name that I will never stop considering funny). But Small Business Saturday might actually be worth something. Throw some bucks to your local shopkeeps and support the 'hood. From the specialty cheeses and beers of South Slope's Ploughman to Babeland's dildoporium off north 5th, there are plenty of local goods to fill you and your loved ones' orifices with something wonderful.

* Saturday, Nov. 29: WATERPLANET, Tea Lounge: If you were expecting a massively over-budgeted Kevin Costner sci-fi dystopia flick, I'm sorry to disappoint you. This is WaterPLANET, which is a different thing. There is 100% less Kevin Costner drinking his own urine and 100% more psychedelic folk. The two singer/songwriters (Milli Landrum and Jim Hesser) blend poppy melodies with vocal experimentation. They can also breathe underwater with their mutant gills. 9pm-11pm, FREE.

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