A Non-Slurpee 7/11 FiPS Food & Drink Roundup

It's SUMMA BITCHES! Shit's been SO DAMN HOTT out there. This past week, shit's also been SO DAMN HOTT in the world of Park Slope food & drink. It's a literal whirlwind out there! Times be tough. Restaurants can't survive no more. There is no future. We're all gonna die one day. Before we all die, let's reflect on all the recent activity in Park Slope...

It's SUMMA BITCHES! That means your fat ass should be inhaling as much ice cream as humanly possible before the shitty winter months arrive. In furtherance of this cause, next Tuesday Ample Hills is finally getting around to opening up their MEGASHOP in Parkwanus. Gorge away, ice cream enthusiast. SALTED CRACK CARAMEL!!! FAT! ASS!

Do you like new signage? Does the idea of fresh, commercial signage just get you SO DAMN HOTT?!!! This past week, signage finally went up at two of the Barclays area's coming attractions--Doughnut Plant & Shake Shack. Stop by the Barclays area. Gaze up at the new signage. Take a mental pic. Go off & masturbate somewhere.

Everybody wants in on that sweet Barclays action. Why wouldn't they? Back in February, Juniors said their Flatbush Ave locale would be closing while it got condos built on top of it. As a result, they were looking for an interim space that'd eventually become their second Brooklyn shop. This week, they told the Village Voice that this new Juniors would be much closer to Barclays, but also that the original is up for sale. We're all gonna die one day.

It's like the old saying goes--"God Giveth and God Taketh Café." On Wednesday, 4th Ave gained Breadfruit Tree Café on the corner of 4th & 10th. I guess that's good if you're walking to the train & want a coffee & Caribbean food, which is apparently what they're serving. As their website so elegantly declares: "Breadfruit Tree Café is a trendy place for foodies with interesting appetites." Sounds like my kind of place!

A few blocks down the street, mainstay Root Hill Café closed on Tuesday and they’re not really sure when they’re ever going to open back up again. The Root Hill Café Facebook page bears the following mysterious message: It's summertime / It's was a l o n g winter / It's a good time to breathe / And that's what we need to do / We're taking a break from the daily grind. / Stay tuned...

As we all well know, bars are the devil. Liquor & beer leads to vomit & fear. If we allow bar owners to keep opening their filth dens in our neighborhoods, our children will become lustful. Case in point--Lucky 13, whose metal & dancing is OBVIOUSLY the biggest problem with Park Slope. Thankfully, the owners have come to their senses & are moving Lucky 13 to Parkwanus. The current Lucky 13 space will become a "New Orleans style voodoo lounge." Hopefully that works out better for them than it worked out for the now-closed Voodoo Lounge (Soon to be Miti Miti Taperia).

Prospect Heights folks are also all about QUALITY OF LIFE BLAH WHINE. The guys behind 5th Ave's Uncle Barry's have been trying to open Moot Bar in Prospect Heights for forever now. Prospect Heights kept being all "No way, dudes. We heard a rumor bout you having bottle service poppin' up in your club. You can't open that shit." This week, the Uncle Barry's dudes were finally all "Screw you, Prospect Heights. We're taking our business to Bed-Stuy, where nobody gives a fuck."

Uncle Barry's isn't the only area establishment spreading its wings. On Wednesday, the seafood-centric Littleneck folks added to their Parkwanus restaurant by opening up Littleneck Outpost in Greenpoint. It’s more of a café, which means less opportunity to blow a shit ton of cash like you would at Littleneck.

Finally, since we can never have nice things, at the end of July the Yuji Ramen outpost in the Parkwanus Whole Foods is closing. Some bullshit about the owner wanting to focus on his new Willyburg joint, Okonomi. You'll still be able to get the ramen at Okonomi, but it's not inside a Whole Foods, so what's the point, really? Get that ramen while you can, folks. After all...we're all gonna die.