CNN WEIGHS IN ON BABIES IN BARS

[photo via CNN]

Oh, snap, bitches!  We're on CNN!  Our multiple (read: incessant) posts on the babiez-in-barz issue has FINALLY got us noticed as the shining beacon of journalism that we are. 

We think it's kind of redundant, too, but if the same topic keeps cropping up, it means someone SOMEWHERE is still interested, right? 

Are YOU interested? 

Probz not, but who cares?  We're national now.  Get ready for FIPS t-shirts-n-shit.

Boyz to Men: Mating for Minors

I don’t know if the “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” approach is genetically encoded into male DNA or what, but watching the mating rituals of 6th graders has truly been a revelation.
 
Since around 3rd grade, the girls have been circling ever closer, ever more fervently. But lately they’ve begun to explode, one by one into a mass of body odor, hormones and passionate need (desperation?).
 
Although 6th graders are all over the growth chart, the girls are often so far ahead of the boys, it’s mind-boggling. Meanwhile, the hottie boys are all easy to spot as they seem to develop, through pure instinct, the powerful pull of indifference and disdain. Or possibly cluelessness...its still unclear.

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BALLER RAGE

So Denise Albert has some pretty major Mommy Rage issues she's contending with. Her rant on Metro this morning is literally EVERYWHERE (I read about it on Gothamist), and thus far people aren't exactly taking to her shit too kindly (as per u, best stuff is in the comments).

Anyway.

Here's the thing, Denise: I can totally relate to what you're going through! It's not exactly the easiest thing in the world to be a BALLER either, and sometimes I wish people would just, you know, be a little bit more understanding and offer me some special consideration. It's hard out here for a pimp!

So yeah, I decided to rewrite your entire opinion piece from a non-breeder's perspective, and I rully rully hope you like it! I tried to stay mostly true to form, so shitty sentence structure and the like is, of course, still yours!:

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WTF!? School is *Already* Closed For Tomorrow [Also: SNOWBALL FIGHT!!]

image via: Huffington Post

WTF is wrong with these people? The junior rug rat has already been home "sick" for two days and now you're telling me that you're making the snow day call already????

This is outside of enough. I frankly see no reason for a citywide snow day, especially just a few days before a weeklong winter break.

Beware, BALLERS! Your kid-free coffee shops won't be safe tomorrow.

On a happy note, though, SNOWBALL FIGHT!!!!

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BREEDER RANT: Pissing on Park Slope?

So, I'm pulling up to park my "I wouldn't-be caught-dead-in-this-before-I became-a-BREEDER" minivan to the holy temple that is PS 321 to pick up my daughter, when something catches my eye. Outside the passenger-side window, I see this little fucker standing  there, with what looks to be his two moms, groping inside his sweats. The dude then pulls out his little pecker (!!??) and begins to piss (right there on 7th Ave!), missing my BREEDER-mobile by inches.

WHAT!!??

Needless to say, I am disgusted and appalled. I mean, for Christ’s sake, you can’t just piss all over Park Slope like that!.

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