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Entries in kiddie worship (5)

Friday
Mar042011

COOL OR NOT COOL: GETTING YOUR KID'S NAME / FACE TATTED ON YOUR BOD?

this is so not me, FYIzers

Answer: COOL AS FUCK!

I just totally inked my arm with my toddler's initial INSIDE A HEART. I know that I am super lame and I totally hate myself, but I love my kid CRIZAZY amounts. I'm like not even into
tattoos. I have one already, but I only got it because I had just been broken up with and I was in a downward spiral or whatevs. But this tattoo rules your face! (Somebody help me, it's like I don't even know
myself anymore.)

Do other renties in Park Slope have kid tattoos, or am I the only one?

Click to read more ...

Wednesday
Jan122011

ATTN BALLERS: Just Say No To The Park Slope Armory

After reading this submission from an anon FIPS reader, I think we can all agree that the Park Slope Armory needs to jump ahead of Two Boots on the official list of places in the nabe that I would rather die than step foot in. Apparently that place is all bebes, all the time:

"I've been a member at the Park Slope Armory for awhile, but I work 2 jobs and have crazy hours, so I usually only work out before 8:00am or after 8:30pm. However, I took a "mental health" day off from work to catch up on some errands and appointments, and decided to sleep in a bit and hit the gym at at a more leisurely hour--around 11:00am. Uhm, let's just say that what I encountered there has scarred me for life.

I am a Baller, but generally don't take issue with other people's kids. I work with children, in fact and really love my job. But we all know that Park Slope Breeders and their spawn are *a little different.*

The Armory today was like happy hour for bratty offspring and their entitled parents. The picture I attached was my attempt to snap a cell phone pic of the bazillion strollers parked right inside the entrance. The photo doesn't do it justice, because there were probably a hundred more that didn't fit in the shot (I wish I was joking). As I proceeded inside, I was greeted by a flashmob of yelling, screaming running children under 4, and NO ONE was making ANY attempt at controlling these kids. Within a few seconds, 2 pip-squeaks crashed right into me as they ran by.

I attempted to make my way through the throngs of brats, nannies, SAHMs and SAHDs to the membership desk in order to get myself on the list for a class. Upon arriving, what I experienced can was H-O-R-R-I-F-Y-I-N-G. Apparently there were 2 kiddo classes happening, both of which had long waiting lists. Unsurprisingly, all the entitled Park Slope parents wanted their kids IN, so they were basically just verbally assaulting the poor girls working the desk, trying to argue and bully their spawn's way into these two overbooked classes by "jumping" the waitlist.

I mean OBVIOUSLY it is their God-given right to have their offspring attend every available class everywhere at all times and the 600 bratty offspring of all the other entitled Breeders on the list ahead of them did not deserve to be there.

UGH."

Say no more anon tipster FIPSter: the Park Slope Armory is officially on my "DONOTGOTHEREEVERUNDERANYFUCKINGCIRCUMSTANCES" list. Thanks for letting us know.

 

Friday
Feb192010

BALLER RAGE

So Denise Albert has some pretty major Mommy Rage issues she's contending with. Her rant on Metro this morning is literally EVERYWHERE (I read about it on Gothamist), and thus far people aren't exactly taking to her shit too kindly (as per u, best stuff is in the comments).

Anyway.

Here's the thing, Denise: I can totally relate to what you're going through! It's not exactly the easiest thing in the world to be a BALLER either, and sometimes I wish people would just, you know, be a little bit more understanding and offer me some special consideration. It's hard out here for a pimp!

So yeah, I decided to rewrite your entire opinion piece from a non-breeder's perspective, and I rully rully hope you like it! I tried to stay mostly true to form, so shitty sentence structure and the like is, of course, still yours!:

Click to read more ...

Monday
Nov162009

Platinum Babies [My Tivo *Just* Threw Up]

Thank fucking gawd I saw this post on McBrooklyn last week...otherwise it could have taken me months of googling and channel surfing before I came across this majestic new TV series from WE: Platinum Babies.

If you've ever seen their barftastical series Platinum Weddings, you can pretty much guess what we're dealing with here, but just in case, let me spell it out for you anyway:

"Tatyanna, a hip and eco-conscious writer, is not afraid to spend on her second child. Her family belongs to a trendy private lifestyle club in Soho, her friend invites her to a trunk show to preview exclusive maternity wear and the baby's christening happens on a Mediterranean island where the family is flown."

Oh, and you also should know that Tatyanna and her husband live in Brooklyn.

Click to read more ...

Friday
Oct162009

Kiddie Worship-n-Balloon Boy

The absurdity that unfolded during the several hours that the Balloon Boy story broke yesterday and spread across the entire motherfucking galaxy like a bad rash, can only be described as I-N-S-A-N-E. And not like casual "I take Wellbutrin and I've stalked a coupled of ex BF's" insane." I'm talking full on serial killer, schizophrenic, "I'm from another planet and I'm here to educate your people" sort of loony tunes, bat shit c-r-a-z-y.

Though it was also kind of awesome.

Because more than any other event in recent history, Balloon Boy serves as a textbook example of exactly what I'm talking about when I say "kiddie worship."

Click to read more ...