The Park Slope Birdlar vs. The Park Slope Mini Detective

Photo by Brian Bruchman and the Brooklyn Paper

I’m not sure that crime can get any cuter than this, people.

We’ve got our very-own pint-sized sleuth in Park Slope these days, and she wants her heron back. Yes, a Park Slope family’s yard sculpture of a heron was stolen earlier this month and Luna, their 7-year old daughter, is on the case. 

According to the Brooklyn Paper, mother Amy Yang returned to their Park Slope home accompanied by her kids, Luna and Mars, to find the one-of-a-kind lawn ornament gone missing; the only clue a sandy trail where it had been dragged off the property.  So naturally (if you have awesome parents), Amy and her kids decided to make up signs for the “Birdlar," requesting the safe return of the heron to their yard, and Luna launched an investigation (read: bad-ass child alert).

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Who Gives a Shit: How Do You tell Park Slope Parents that their kids and Their Scooters Are a Menace to Society?

After a recent incident involving some negligent parents and their maniacal scooter-racing child, a Park Slope newbie wrote to us asking for a polite way to tell these parents: Hey, fuckface. Your kid is plowing through the crowd like an asshole on his shitty little scooter. Wanna do something about it or what?!

  Here’s an excerpt from her email:

My roommate and I were walking along 5th ave on a busy Saturday, and we both had a little mishap with a kid on a scooter. First he scooted in front of me and then stopped, causing me to basically fall over him as my roommate almost ran into me. His parents, who were walking in front of us, didn't even notice. So we power-walked to get ahead of the group, but as we got to through the next intersection the scooter kid powered ahead and ran over my roommate's foot. The kid didn't react or apologize and the parents didn't seem to notice. Is there a good way to tell the parents of Park Slope to maybe watch your kids (especially those on the scooter who might be a little out of control), without causing a scene or argument?

But of course! This inconvenience by a breeder and their tyrannical spawn means that you have officially been initiated to the hood. Welcome to Park Slope!  

Now, despite the fact that this is a common occurrence and shouldn’t be a surprise (see: Have you ever almost been killed by a kid on a scooter?), after reading this message I can’t help but fill to the brim with furious rage at the level of inconsideration prevalent in our little society. That being said, today’s your lucky day, Park Slope newbie with a problem, as you’ve come to the perfect place for advice on this matter.

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Who Gives a Shit: Will You Feed Your Babies "Farm to Baby" Food?

Image via change.org

Want to feel even MORE like a peasant when you take your baby to the park sans Bugaboo?

Because now you're going to have to explain to other Slope parents why your little Aldous is eating normal Gerber baby nosh from Key Food, and not shit straight from a farm. 

Yes, the farm to table foodie craze is now coming to a diaper near you. Farm to Baby, a new company based in Greenpoint, makes and delivers fresh baby food, sourced from local farms. Now, I like the idea of supporting local farmers, and small businesses. I am totally behind the concept of eating fresh foods that are unprocessed, so naturally, feeding your baby that stuff makes sense too.

BUT this seems excessive. 

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NO SPACE IS SAFE FROM STROLLER ENVY [OVERHEARD]

Sunday, Chase ATM at Seventh and Carroll.

Mom 1, with lowly Maclaren stroller: "Oh, I'm so jealous. They're so much easier to push."

Mom 2, with Bugaboo: "Yeah, they really are."

Mom 1: "Is that their first double?"

Mom 2: "Actually, it is."

Mom 1: *starry-eyed sigh*

Happy Monday, freaks.

WHO GIVES A SHIT: Have You Ever Almost Been Killed By A Kid On A Scooter?

illustration via My Complete Lack of Boundaries

Cause I have.

Like 11 billion million times.

You ppl are all: "bike lane, bike lane, bikes, baby bikes, BICYCLES" 24/7 and I just don't get it. Cause the only thing I'm worrying about in Park Slope is getting maimed by a reckless 8-year-old with a death wish on a motherfucking scooter.

THESE THINGS ARE A MENACE, PPL.

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