Columbia Student Describes Park Slope as "Not Intellectually Stimulating"

Photo via Park Slope Lens

A writer for The Columbia Spectator recently penned a not-so-complimentary article about a day trip to Park Slope. The "somewhat worth it" adventure included a stroll past Café Grumpy and Brookvin, both of which are described as having "ridiculous signs." In the end, the writer concludes that, "If you’re looking for something intellectually stimulating, don’t go to Park Slope." Then she calls us a "medium-sized room full of kinda cool hipsters." 

A born and raised Park Slope resident caught wind of the article and wrote a lengthy, yet thoughtful response to these Ivy League allegegations of ridiculous signs and stupid hipsters. 

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WHO GIVES A SHIT: Why Are There No Cadbury Mini-Eggs At Duane Reade?

Look, ppl.

I don't give a rat's ass about Jesus or Easter or any of that crap. I mean, I'm happy for all you Christian people that you have a great holiday to celebrate-n-shit, but there's only one thing that matters to me about Easter and one thing only: CADBURY MINI EGGS.

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FIPS NOT SO BREAKING NEWS: Slopeside Kindergarten Cop Sequel in the Works

Remember this name: Pat Mannino. Cause if you're frontin' with a Park Slope address and you really live in like Sunset Park, this bitch is going to smoke you out. Big time! She's done it twice before and she's got plenty more room on her belt for a few more notches (that was not a fat dig, Pat, I swear). 

I'm not going to bore you with school numbers like 107 or 321 (cause honestly it just puts that old Ludicrious "I've Got Ho's" song on repeat play in my head) but my FIPS colleague Allison was right, Kindergeddon has begun and the venerable New York Post was the first to break the story that my girl, Pat is out to get the mofos who are doing asinine things like paying electric bills of strangers just go get access to a desirable Slope addresses. 

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FIPS CARES: FREE ADVICE FOR LOCAL PARK SLOPE BUSINESSES

Ok, so my war with Smartmom over this whole idea of "community responsibility" has brought up some good points. And while I still believe wholeheartedly that it's not up to me to help support some shitty Park Slope business just for the sake of embracing my community, as I mentioned, I'm more than happy to support the businesses out there are that don't suck and who are really trying.

I have some ideas....and my guess is you bitches do too. So this is where we let loose.

ATTENTION BUSINESS OWNERS OF PARK SLOPE: IF YOU WANNA HEAR WTF WE ALL WANT, KEEP READING. SCROLL DOWN INTO THE COMMENTS AND HEAR THE PEOPLE. WE PROBABLY HAVE SOME PRETTY FUCKING GOOD IDEAS.

In order to get this party started, here are some ideas from the FIPS crew:

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Starbucks CEO Bashes Park Slope

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is throwin some mad shade our way:

From Curbed:

"The topic of Brooklyn gentrification came up during a lunch with a Financial Times writer, and Schultz said of Park Slope, "That's not really Brooklyn," before saying about Bensonhurst, "That's Brooklyn."

WELL, EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME, MR. SCHULTZ! IF PARK SLOPE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR FOXY BROWN'S MOTHER FOR CHRISSAKES, IT SHOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

I know.

Let's play a fun game and switch that sentence around to talk about coffee!

"Starbucks...that's not real coffee."

GLASS HOUSES, BTCHZ. G-L-A-S-S  H-O-U-S-E-Z.