How many times do you need to be kicked in the nuts by your kids before you'll break down and wear a full-on jockstrap and protective cup around the house?
Tonight at tuck-in time, as per our nightly ritual, my wife and I were on our bed reading stories to our two kids. So just like they do every night, the kids eventually start ignoring their bedtime story and begin bouncing around the bed like little crackheads. They will not yield despite our continuous, desperate pleas; all we want to do is get them to sleep so that we can shuffle to the kitchen and eat something before we DIE.
So the big one is standing above me on the bed, and I instinctively put my hands over my crotch. My reptilian brain performs this defensive action autonomically, because I've already been in this situation 8 billion times, and 95% of the time I end up getting kicked in the nuts.
My wife looks at my hand with distaste, and glares at me to "leave it alone!" as if it's a question of common decency and not a basic survival technique. The instant I obey her and remove my hand, she sends a telepathic tag-team message to my eldest kid, who launches a falling knee-dive straight onto my nuts. I swallow my own tongue and roll around the bed in agony.
If only there was some way I could defend myself! Some sort of device that would offer me confidence, protection, and support. Fuck this shit, really - I'm getting a cup. A cup is for protecting one's nuts in high-risk situations, and I'm in a continually high-risk situation. Why not?
What is the problem with getting a cup for home usage? Has anyone ever considered it? Doesn't it seem obvious? Now, the one clear hurdle is that you don't want your kids to be able to ever see a bulge or anything, lest they end up in therapy or foster care - but I'm sure it's easily avoidable by wearing the cup underneath shorts or loose sweatpants - right?
Just the thought of getting to stand up straight and proud, with the free use of both hands, not having to walk around cowering and trying to protect my vulnerables anytime there's running, flailing, or shenanigans. How liberating. It's going to lead to much healthier, more relaxed interactions for the whole family. I won't be so preoccupied with defending myself, won't get hurt as often, and my kids won't have to ask why Daddy's crying again.
Think of it like getting a cat de-clawed; it's better for us, and better for it.
Benjamin | 
PARK SLOPE, Brooklyn (FIPSNN) - Just kidding: No he didn't. There's never been a single Park Slope dad, in the 9 year history of Gentrified Brooklyn, that has ever gotten laid on Valentines Day.
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