Will the Real Mrs. Shady, Please Shut Up?

Photo via thesource.comSo you're having an affair. That's your business, WTF do I care? Except you seem to think the rest of the Slope really wants to hear about it. I was walking behind you, schlepping my groceries home, when I overheard your philandering hook up call.

"Oh you like to cook?..... Hahahaha...oh yeahhhh?.....I'll BET you do....well, I like talking to you too... No, it doesn't matter when you text me, I have you saved in my phone as "Charisma". Yeah, he knows there's a girl at my work named Charisma..."

I say "overheard," but you were so loud that the cuckolded tool to whom you are bound by holy matrimony probably heard it all the way from his office at 85 Broad Street. Not that I'm shedding any tears for the Mister. If we're to believe Ashley Madison, there's a good chance that he's just as sketchy.

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A Call To Arms! Excelsior!

Word on the street is that Excelsior--Park Slope's venerable gay bar--has lost its lease, and won't be open (at least, not in that location) after the end of the month. For me, I'm hoping that they find a new space, and I'm planning to show my support by having drinks there as often as possible, in the next few weeks. You should go drink there, too, I think.

Excelsior has been serving drinks to the gays (and the gay-friendlies)] since 1999, when it filled a void left by all of the shuttered Brooklyn gay bars that came before--Carry Nation (in Park Slope, named after a hatchet-wielding prohibitionist), Friends (on Atlantic Ave.), and Whatever (also in Brooklyn Heights). When I first moved to New York from Chicago in 2000, Excelsior and Ginger's had planted a rainbow flag on 5th Avenue, and it was one of the reasons I knew that the Slope was the Brooklyn Neighborhood for me.

I hung out a lot at Excelsior after I first moved here. But when my friends and I celebrated my birthday there in 2004, my life changed--very much for the better.

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MISSING TARANTULA HOAX SCURRIES INTO PARK SLOPE’S HEART

Photo credit: LASERPILOT VIA REDDIT

FIPS readers are no suckers, but the rest of the Internet was flipping the fuck out on Friday over the escape of a “mostly harmless” lil ol’ Tarantula in Park Slope. Saturday morning, the NY Times confirmed my suspicion that we were being trolled by a lamppost.

By late Friday afternoon, a phone call to the number listed on the sign yielded the apparent truth: It was all a joke that had gotten out of hand.

“I always see those signs for missing dogs and cats taped up on posts; I thought, ‘What’s the most absurd poster I could come up with?’ ” the man who answered the phone said. “I thought it was so beyond ridiculous that no one would take it seriously. I was wrong.”

The man, who refused to provide his name, said he lived in the neighborhood and worked as a, er, web and graphic designer.

“I never expected it to blow up,” he said. “Then I was in the train station, looking at my Twitter feed and saw this tweet from ABC about a tarantula. I thought, ‘Oh, man.’ ”

The man said he had never owned a tarantula, or any pet for that matter. “I actually didn’t know how to spell tarantula,” he said. “I had to Google that.” 

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Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

FREE: Kid Stuff   

A daycare center is closing here in Brooklyn. If it's anything like the insane asylum that closed in my town back home they'll just release the children into the neighborhood.  Then they become this new frightening breed of homeless. Anyway, they're selling off all their play stuff. If you have little kids you should check it out.

PRACTICE: Modern Hebrew

This poster needs to practice their Hebrew. They are concerned "if you don't use it, you lose it." Is that a reference to 40 Year Old Virgin? If so, I really like this person because that's one of my favorite lines in the movie. Kat Denning is sitting right there too and she makes my heart flutter.

PETS: Birds

Do you work in a coal mine? Perhaps just crave constant noise?  This person is selling canaries. A couple of fun facts about them. They've been kept as pets since the 17^th century. And only the male canaries can sing. Male canaries sound kind of thirsty if you ask me.

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A Non-Slurpee 7/11 FiPS Food & Drink Roundup

It's SUMMA BITCHES! Shit's been SO DAMN HOTT out there. This past week, shit's also been SO DAMN HOTT in the world of Park Slope food & drink. It's a literal whirlwind out there! Times be tough. Restaurants can't survive no more. There is no future. We're all gonna die one day. Before we all die, let's reflect on all the recent activity in Park Slope...

It's SUMMA BITCHES! That means your fat ass should be inhaling as much ice cream as humanly possible before the shitty winter months arrive. In furtherance of this cause, next Tuesday Ample Hills is finally getting around to opening up their MEGASHOP in Parkwanus. Gorge away, ice cream enthusiast. SALTED CRACK CARAMEL!!! FAT! ASS!

Do you like new signage? Does the idea of fresh, commercial signage just get you SO DAMN HOTT?!!! This past week, signage finally went up at two of the Barclays area's coming attractions--Doughnut Plant & Shake Shack. Stop by the Barclays area. Gaze up at the new signage. Take a mental pic. Go off & masturbate somewhere.

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