Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

It’s all Thanksgiving posts this week as we’ll be off next week. I have to start by thanking Karen and Erica for letting me write here over a year ago.  If you’re interested in writing here too, send them an email and they’ll see what you’ve got. The perks include an incredible break room. It’s two floors with a firehouse pole connecting them. But you’ll have to beat me in arm wrestling before you start. 

WANTED: Thanksgiving Models

First post. Uh, another one of those creepy no-pay all-murder modeling gigs. If you decide to go to this bring a friend. And a taser. Maybe have a swat team waiting outside ready to bust in when you say the word. What’s the word? I think I could work “groovy” pretty seamlessly into any conversation.

EVENT: Fucksgiving

Lonely. Did you ever notice how much colder it gets around the holidays? That’s just winter, bro. It’s a season that includes a drastic climate change. Get out of your own head for a second. There is something to feeling more bummed in the winter. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder. You might already know that but the fact that its acronym is SAD is the silliest thing ever.

“You hear from Devon lately?”

“Nah, she hasn’t left her apartment since October. She’s got SAD.”

Oh uh. This post is for holiday themed swinger parties.

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Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

FOR SALE: Hot tub

It must be some kind of hot tub time machine… Hot tubs are sweet. I’ve got one at my place and it’s amazing. After work I go in with a bag of beef jerky. Turn the radio on. You ever listen to the end of Francesa while polishing off a bag of Jack Links in your sex tub? It’s heaven. Die smiling, son. That’s what my dad used to tell me.

FOR SALE: Snow shoes

Writing this on Thursday and it is cold. The streets were empty today too. Know what that means? No, not cuffing season. Winter is coming. You’ve got to be prepared. You can start off with these 4 foot long snow shoes. They are sure to come in handy absolutely never.

EVENT: New Year’s Eve Party

New Year’s Eve always sneaks up on me…it’s the reason I tell myself I’m spending it crying alone for another year in a row. I didn’t get a chance to make plans! Too busy. But if you’d really like to paint yourself into a corner and not have a handy excuse for being alone on New Year’s you can sign up now for the party at Grand Prospect Hall. It has an open bar with all the typical festive fixings for $175.

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Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

FOR SALE: Bricks

This Park Slope couple wanted to redo their garden in a vintage style. Needed some bricks. Ordered some bricks. Overdid it a bit though. Now they’re stuck with 400 leftover bricks. Maybe bricks are like garlic knots. You only want one or two. But you have to order six. Or a dozen. So you order bricks by the thousand. What would you do with a thousand garlic knots? Eat them. They’re small. Don’t be a baby. 

FOR SALE: Typewriter

People collect typewriters. Cool people. Tom Hanks collects typewriters and I saw him in that movie. You know him, he was Larry Crowne! This typewriter is from 1909 and it works. It looks really cool. If you have $425 laying around that you were just going to burn anyway then you should really buy this instead. In fact if you buy it contact us at FIPS and I’ll type up the next Craigslist Blotter on it. We’ll post it as a screen shot or something. It’ll look vintage. Those brick people will jizz themselves over it.

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Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

Happy Halloween! I hope you’re ready for a spoooooooooky Craiglist Blotter.  

SERVICE: Voodoo Consultant

Witch doctor or shaman is so old-fashioned? Cliché? Racist? I don’t know. Send all hate mail to your nearest fire. This voodoo consultant makes some pretty outrageous offers. Finding your true love. Removing all obstacles. Releasing you from secret demons. I don’t know if I need any of that shit. If he make me exercise before work though I’d be very impressed. 

FOR SALE: Baby monkey costume

Everybody likes sexy costumes. I’m not above it. Even just a funny looking hat looks sexy to me.  Like one of those Sherlock Deerstalker hats. Real talk, shoot me a Benedict Cumberbatch squint while wearing one of those and I’m going to jizz. Clean up, aisle Jim. Sexy costumes aren’t my favorite though. Baby costumes are the best. This particular one is my favorite I’ve seen this year. If you have a baby dress them up, please. 

FOR SALE: Claw foot tub

There is a shot in True Detective of a tub full of abortions and stuff. It was fucking scary. If you have aborted fetuses handy then you can fill a tub with them but what about after the week is over? The tub isn’t going to have that dead baby glow to it after Halloween. So think of this as like a disposable tub. Just drag it outside for the cops to deal with Sunday morning. 

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Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

FREE: Dog Grooming

If my dog was as ugly as you I’d shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards. This professional dog groomer is training a new student and needs some dogs to shave. He’s saying it’s haircuts only but he’s got to cut nails too right? Let’s hope so.

PARTY:  Kid’s Halloween Party

We’ve got two Halloween parties on Saturday. Our first one is for kids. 11-3. There will be shitty candy and puppet stuff. If kids are into puppets now that would be pretty neat. We didn’t land on Fraggle Rock. Fraggle Rock landed on us.  There will be Star Wars characters and a bouncy castle as well. Sounds like a good time.

PARTY: Adult Halloween Party

And this is the party you probably want to go to. I’ve never been to this bar but they have a ton of games. Shuffleboard, pool, ski ball. There is a buffet and raffles. Partial proceeds go to an animal shelter. If you’re in the area and have nothing to do Saturday night this seems like a no-brainer.

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