It's no secret that lesbians have been disappearing from Park Slope. Sure, we've still got more than places like the Upper East Side or Rolling Fork, Missippi – but Park Slope just isn't the Lesbionic haven it used to be. This really sucks, as on the whole, I far prefer the average lesbian to the average wall street douchebag that has taken her place.
This weekend in front of PS 321 however, I witnessed an encounter that whisked me right back to the glory days of 1993.
This Brooklyn Industries-clad Newlywed-type was standing outside the 321 fleemarket, passing the time by looking at crappy candlesticks and shit. She was smoking a cigarette. At the same time, this very large lonely-looking lesbian was standing nearby, browsing through a bunch of crappy paperbacks.
Noticing the Newlywed's cigarette, the lesbian looked up and said "Oh, you've got to stop smoking honey, it's just so bad for you - it's such an awful habit."
I was SO psyched, as I love watching as Park Slopers who try shit that would have worked in 1993 get summarily rejected and embarrassed. To my shock however, the Brooklyn Industries woman started shaking her head sheepishly - just like in the nineties!!
"Oh, I know, you're so right, I'm really trying, it's just so hard..." she asskissed.
Fuck that shit! I don't smoke - I can't afford it and I got kids - but damn girl! The two answers I would have liked to see are:
a) "Mind your fuckin business, DYKE."
...but the real wet dream answer would have been:
b) "You know, it's much more dangerous to be FAT, and you are just really FAT. It's terrible for your health and leads to heart disease and oh by the way - it kills you much faster than smoking does! Maybe you should take up smoking, and lose some weight! By the way - even though it's true that you burn some calories by flapping your fat mouth in the wind and giving advice to strangers, you actually risk shortening your life significantly by tempting someone like me to put my entire foot up your revolting pock-marked ass."
Anyway, she shook her head like a pussy, just like they used to do, and kissed this big fat lesbian's ass.
Listen - it's one thing if it was some bullshit second-hand smoke argument, which I also don't buy, but then at least you've got some kind of realistic and authentic gripe. Instead, the idea that the lesbian was just "looking out" for Brooklyn Industry's health is just patronizing and moronic. If that's her argument, then it should be no less offensive for someone to warn the fat woman that her health is being put at risk by her immense size and stench.
Why is it socially acceptable to butt-in and comment on one dirty, life-threatening habit but not the other? From now on I'm the concerned citizen in charge of obesity: Excuse me, miss? You're enormous. That shit is dangerous- cut down or have the surgery. thx.
How bout we all shut up, ok? Everybody just pretend we're in New York, and mind their own fucking business. I'm goin' outside for a camel AND a donut.