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Heroic Lesbian Confronts Smoker

It's no secret that lesbians have been disappearing from Park Slope. Sure, we've still got more than places like the Upper East Side or Rolling Fork, Missippi – but Park Slope just isn't the Lesbionic haven it used to be. This really sucks, as on the whole, I far prefer the average lesbian to the average wall street douchebag that has taken her place.

This weekend in front of PS 321 however, I witnessed an encounter that whisked me right back to the glory days of 1993.

This Brooklyn Industries-clad Newlywed-type was standing outside the 321 fleemarket, passing the time by looking at crappy candlesticks and shit. She was smoking a cigarette. At the same time, this very large lonely-looking lesbian was standing nearby, browsing through a bunch of crappy paperbacks.

Noticing the Newlywed's cigarette, the lesbian looked up and said "Oh, you've got to stop smoking honey, it's just so bad for you - it's such an awful habit."

I was SO psyched, as I love watching as Park Slopers who try shit that would have worked in 1993 get summarily rejected and embarrassed. To my shock however, the Brooklyn Industries woman started shaking her head sheepishly - just like in the nineties!!

"Oh, I know, you're so right, I'm really trying, it's just so hard..." she asskissed.

Fuck that shit! I don't smoke - I can't afford it and I got kids - but damn girl! The two answers I would have liked to see are:

a) "Mind your fuckin business, DYKE."

...but the real wet dream answer would have been:

b) "You know, it's much more dangerous to be FAT, and you are just really FAT. It's terrible for your health and leads to heart disease and oh by the way - it kills you much faster than smoking does! Maybe you should take up smoking, and lose some weight! By the way - even though it's true that you burn some calories by flapping your fat mouth in the wind and giving advice to strangers, you actually risk shortening your life significantly by tempting someone like me to put my entire foot up your revolting pock-marked ass."

Anyway, she shook her head like a pussy, just like they used to do, and kissed this big fat lesbian's ass.

Listen - it's one thing if it was some bullshit second-hand smoke argument, which I also don't buy, but then at least you've got some kind of realistic and authentic gripe. Instead, the idea that the lesbian was just "looking out" for Brooklyn Industry's health is just patronizing and moronic. If that's her argument, then it should be no less offensive for someone to warn the fat woman that her health is being put at risk by her immense size and stench.

Why is it socially acceptable to butt-in and comment on one dirty, life-threatening habit but not the other? From now on I'm the concerned citizen in charge of obesity: Excuse me, miss? You're enormous. That shit is dangerous- cut down or have the surgery. thx.

How bout we all shut up, ok? Everybody just pretend we're in New York, and mind their own fucking business. I'm goin' outside for a camel AND a donut.


PS Craigslisting: W/E 11.23.08

Each week we bring you the best of the worst in Park Slope related craigslist shenanigans:

* Animal Crossing is making me horny (somehow - 29 (smile patrol???????? parkslopers) - this dude is looking for a bagel and/or sex. Though the bagel is non-negosh (for srs). Oh, also, he included a pic of a dog with a sprinkler in case his prose di-int get you all hot-n-horny.

*Chubby pinup seeks hipster boy for hot dates (Park Slope area) - ZOMG, let's be matchmakers, y'all!? This rubenesque chick sounds rad, and I for one want to find her the Emo, Ryan Adam lovin' hipster boy of her dreams. Please email with us with any and all ideas to effedinparkslope at gmail dot com.

*Are you 22 and an eager beaver chaser (Park Slope) - "You should be driven by a constant fear of failure in your endless, impossible chase of my unavailable affections. Call me. Or don't."

*I NEED LARGE COCKROACHES (one and a half inches) (Park Slope) - Looks like some dude named Lee is doing a little experiment-o. Do u live in a bug infested shithole? If so, give Lee a call!


Park Slope...The Celebutante of BK

Allow me to share a theory I've been fine tuning as of late: Park Slope is the Paris Hilton of Brooklyn.


You might want let that shit marinate in your brain for a minute or two, cause this is some grade A, powerful theoreticals you're about to be peepin.

Park Slope = Paris Hilton.

I've been thinking about this for awhile, and as per u, I'm pretty sure that I'm right the fuck on with this one.

Here's why:

*Everyone claims to hate Paris Hilton, yet she's *always* being talked about - Same fucking thing with PS. Everyone hates Park Slope. Srsly. Try googling "Park Slope sucks" and then cancel your appts for the rest of the day l00zer, cause ur gonna have pages and pages of crap to sift through on the interwebs: Park Slope Food Co-op hippies this...Babies in bars! that. And yet, Park Slope has its own category on virtually all of the major nyc snark blogs: Gawker, Curbed, NY Magazine. People c-a-n-n-o-t stop talking about it. Shit that was one of the *main* reasons we started this motherfucker in the first place! We knew that the mere inclusion of PS in our blog title was pretty much the equivalent of $78.50 in internet currency (I mean, your ass is here right now, sooo....).

*Paris Hilton allegedly represents everything we're supposed to hate about celebrity and fame, and yet we love those very same things in virtually every other celeb but her - Ok, so let's break this shit down: Paris is hot? Check. Great bod? Check. Dumb? Check. Rich? Check. Well connected? Check. Been in trouble with the law? Check. Bad actress? Check Ok, good. We've just described virtually everyone in Hollywood. Moving on to Park Slope: Beautiful? Check. Good schools? Check. Variety of restaurants and shopping? Check. Tight community? Check. Parks, Trees, green shit? Check. Check. Check. Wow, sounds like an absolutely fucking horrendous neighborhood to live in. You should all feel so friggin bad for us. It's totally obvs. why everyone hates Park Slope.

*Paris Hilton is v. rich. AND, Park Slope is pretty darn rich (just ask blognigger).

*Everyone has heard of Paris her or not. I'm sorry, there is not a man, woman or child alive today who has never heard of this bitch. Ditto on the PS front. It's kinda shocking but true: Darren Star is doing a show based on Park Slope, celebs live in Park Slope, shit, even people who know nothin about nothin have heard of Park Slope. If Park Slope had a PR firm, they'd be sittin on a fat christ-makuh bonus right about now.

*PARis Hilton and PARk Slope. Coincidence? I think not.

Ok, so that last one might be lame, but everything else is totally legit.

Park Slope = Paris Hilton.

Try it on. Take a walk around Prospect Park with it. Doodle it on your recyclable, post consumer waste tea cup from Ozzies.

It's out there now.

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