Who Gives a Shit: Will You Feed Your Babies "Farm to Baby" Food?

Image via change.org

Want to feel even MORE like a peasant when you take your baby to the park sans Bugaboo?

Because now you're going to have to explain to other Slope parents why your little Aldous is eating normal Gerber baby nosh from Key Food, and not shit straight from a farm. 

Yes, the farm to table foodie craze is now coming to a diaper near you. Farm to Baby, a new company based in Greenpoint, makes and delivers fresh baby food, sourced from local farms. Now, I like the idea of supporting local farmers, and small businesses. I am totally behind the concept of eating fresh foods that are unprocessed, so naturally, feeding your baby that stuff makes sense too.

BUT this seems excessive. 

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GIVE ME A BABYCCINO OR I'LL SUSPEND YOUR ASS FROM THE COOP

Photo via www.sprudge.com

Me: "I'm taking this for FIPS. It will be short and sweet and someone may die."

Kerri, FIPS Managing Ed: "The New Yorker was right: our neighborhood IS dying..."

Seriously, I'm not usually the one who's like, "Fuck yer babies!" becuase, like, one day I'm going to be one of those pain-in-the-ass parents who only keeps organic kale and locally-made seitan in her house, depriving her offspring of authentic world experience while flying a vegan flag above my brownstone. So, as someone with a Bugaboo in her future, I get it.

But like, fuck yer babies this time.

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No One Wants to Hear "SHIT PARK SLOPE PARENTS SAY"

The NY Daily News recently reported that a Park Slope mommy is collecting material to make her very own "Shit Park Slope Parents Say" video.

Please take a moment and let this fully sink in (but resist the urge to set your computer on fire. After all...it belongs to the company).

As if we need ANOTHER "Shit _____ Says" video. I actually can't fathom something less funny than Park Slope parents reciting their inane babbling in a quickly-clipped internet video that will for sure not have Juliette Lewis in it (if Buscemi is included, however, I will reconsider this entire post).

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IN MY DIVINE MERCY, I’VE DECIDED NOT TO WISH DEATH UPON THIS KID’S PARENTS

 

It was a close fucking call.

Don’t let the non-violent nature of their crime fool you: These two horrible excuses for parents, who have kept their child’s gender a “secret” for the first five years of his life, have absolutely committed first-degree child abuse. Their actions are akin to locking a child in a closet for five years on account of not wanting to “submit him to the pressures of the outside world.”

These parents are such disgusting animals who have so backwardly disgraced the basic nature of humanity that they cause me to feel a visceral revulsion the likes of which I don’t even feel for Osama bin Laden.

Really? Worse than someone who flies planes into civilian office buildings?

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BREEDER VS. BREEDER: The Vegan Wars

Fucked In Park Slope is without-a-doubt our neighborhood's most hilarious website, right?

Wrong!

Strictly speaking, the greatest quantity of ingeniously funny Park Slope-related material comes from a website called "Park Slope Parents," or "PSP" for short. If you've ever perused the Park Slope Parents site, you've probably wondered why FIPS doesn't just fire all its writers and instead employ one full-time resource to mine PSP's gems of horrendously privileged, asinine bleating and present it all as roadkill for your reading pleasure.

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