WE LOST A BEATLE

Hey Listen: There WAS no fucking Google. 

In 1986, when my crew of eleven-year-olds discovered The Beasties’ encrypted vinyl doctrine, we had our work cut out for us. We couldn’t just type their lyrics into some futuristic machine and have the meanings handed back—each crass little Easter egg had to be decoded by perverted detective work, or by relying on older brothers and irresponsible doormen to tell us what the hell it meant:

• How can he recognize a girlie from the back of her head?
• They all switch places when he rings the bell? Sounds fucked-up like naked Twister maybe?
• Rolled up to Wooley? Who the fuck is that?

We had to earn the enlightenment of each and every lesson, like tracking down hidden fire-flowers and 1up-mushrooms nestled in the uniform bricks of World 1-2.

In a world where owning a Playboy was the greatest achievement a kid could hope to attain, Licensed to Ill was more than the soundtrack of our childhood; it was a secret guide to humor and rebellion and confidence that helped us invent our own identities and eventually get laid.

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TAKE BACK OUR NEIGHBORHOOD!

As a friend of mine once said; Observant Muslims and Chasidic Jews should drop their differences and focus instead on what they have in common: Misogyny and BO.

I’m not gonna beat around the burning bush: I’ve never been a fan of Chasids. Racist? Maybe. But in my 30 years of experience, 99.99% of my interactions with the Ultra-Jewish sect have been negative: I’ve been
ignored, shoved, condescended to, ignored, and ignored.

But Benjamin, you whiny egotistical little fuck, who gives a shit if you’ve been ignored, right? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in New York?

Close, but not exactly.

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IN MY DIVINE MERCY, I’VE DECIDED NOT TO WISH DEATH UPON THIS KID’S PARENTS

 

It was a close fucking call.

Don’t let the non-violent nature of their crime fool you: These two horrible excuses for parents, who have kept their child’s gender a “secret” for the first five years of his life, have absolutely committed first-degree child abuse. Their actions are akin to locking a child in a closet for five years on account of not wanting to “submit him to the pressures of the outside world.”

These parents are such disgusting animals who have so backwardly disgraced the basic nature of humanity that they cause me to feel a visceral revulsion the likes of which I don’t even feel for Osama bin Laden.

Really? Worse than someone who flies planes into civilian office buildings?

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Hey Genius: Some Small Businesses *should* close!

"I hate that independent bookstores are all closing! Now who will scoff and roll their eyes when I ask a question that would have led to a sale?" -@TheBenWord

As we all know, "Small Business" is a Park Slope code-phrase like "Interracial Couple, Same-Sex Parents, Local Produce, African American Teacher, and Sustainable Energy." All of these codified phrases have the same subtext: "We are beyond reproach: support us at all costs, or you're a fucking scumbag."

Well guess what: I happen to know an interracial lesbian couple who are such horrifically negligent parents, that if you ever saw the way they smoke dope in front of their kids,  even Eminem's mom would call
Child Services.

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WHY’S IT GOTTA BE *BLACK* FRIDAY?

This past Friday was Black Friday: the day where no one pays retail. Who came up with that name, Helen Keller? So what’s Jewish Friday, then: a day of fried chicken and hoops?

I’ve been very sensitive to names with the word “Black” in them ever since a high school professor made a kid stand outside our classroom for using the word “Blackball.” He was actually a very fair, devoted jazz teacher who was just trying to prove a point, though he got reprimanded by our uptight Parents Association for the rampage he unleashed on the kid:

“BLACKmail? BLACKball? You will NEVER hear me use those goddamn words. Howdja like it if I went round talkin’ bout I’mma Jew ya parents down when I go to buy a diamond ring?”

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