BREEDER VS. BREEDER: The Vegan Wars

Fucked In Park Slope is without-a-doubt our neighborhood's most hilarious website, right?

Wrong!

Strictly speaking, the greatest quantity of ingeniously funny Park Slope-related material comes from a website called "Park Slope Parents," or "PSP" for short. If you've ever perused the Park Slope Parents site, you've probably wondered why FIPS doesn't just fire all its writers and instead employ one full-time resource to mine PSP's gems of horrendously privileged, asinine bleating and present it all as roadkill for your reading pleasure.

Here's why we don't: believe it or not, we here at FIPS *do* have an ounce or two of morality. As a rule, we don't want to violate the privacy of parents, however entitled and smarmy, who are legitimately
seeking help from their own warped community. It's not as if they're bringing babies into our adult premises of alcoholic consumption and are therefore *begging* for our public scorn.

Sometimes it's hard to resist though, and this is one such case. The icing on the cake is that since the following post was actually PULLED from the PSP website, we're thinking that the PSP admins might actually agree with us regarding the post's asininity, and that's why we're considering it fair game (NOTE: names have been changed to protect the innocent. And obviously that pic above is fake):

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I am hoping some of you can give me some advice on what has become a troubling situation for me.

My six year old daughter Turner is very close with a girl in her class and spends a lot of time at this girl's
house. My husband and I are both strict vegans and Turner has always followed a vegan diet as well. Her friend--I will call her Nicole because I don't want to reveal her name here out of respect for her
privacy--seems to eat a diet of mostly twinkies, doritos and oreo cookies and we feel strongly that these are not healthy foods for Turner to be eating. We always provide Turner with plenty of fresh fruit, nuts and vegetables to take with her when she goes to play at Nicole's house so we didn't think this would be a problem. However, this past week Turner returned from a playdate and confessed that she had eaten several oreo cookies and hotdogs!

I was of course extremely upset because of all of the nitrates, fillers, and chemicals that Turner had ingested and was concerned about how this was going to affect her. My husband and I had a long talk talk with her about why eating this kind of food is not a good thing to do and why she should not do it in the future. I also called Nicole's mother to discuss what had happened but she was not respectful of my feelings and in my opinion trivialized the whole incident. Based on what happened, I do not feel that Turner should continue to play with Nicole. The problem is that I know Turner will be extremely upset if she is not allowed to go on anymore playdates with her best school friend. I really need some input on how to deal with this extremely difficult situation.

Thank you,
Glinda, mama to Turner
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Glinda,

I don't think it is fair for you to say that Turner is not allowed to play with her friend anymore simply because you would like her to follow a certain diet.  I think it is good that you spoke to Turner and the other kids mom about this and now that you know where the other parent stands and that they will most likely not respect your wishes, maybe you can suggest to have playdates at your house instead?

Something to keep in mind, as Turner gets older, she will be in more and more situations that she will need to make her decisions about what she is eating.  Think about school lunch.  The best thing you can do is to teach her about good nutrition and why you eat the way you do and hope that she will make good decisions for herself.

Sarah, Not a vegan but would respect the wishes of another parent"
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Thanks for that suggestion, Sarah. My husband and I discussed having Nicole play at our house as a potential solution. However, our concern is the values Turner is going to be exposed to if she continues to play with Nicole. Of course the toxic, unhealthy foods are a primary concern, but we also feel that Nicole overly preoccupied with popular culture as a result of watching mindless television cartoons, and now Turner has been asking why we don't have a television in our home. In short, we just feel she's a negative influence on Turner and has caused her to become rebellious (eating hotdogs when she knows this is forbidden). How is it in my daughter's best interests to expose her to a girl who is clearly leading her down the wrong path? I'm not a judgmental person, but I strongly feel it's my job as a parent to teach my daughter right from wrong. I just want to steer my daughter toward more appropriate friends without making her more upset than she already is.
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Whew, get all that?

Unfortunately, in re-reading it just now, we became so infuriated that we had to pack up and move to another neighborhood. Take care!

No, ok, we'll stay and address it, though it's hard to keep our eyeballs from bleeding as we do.

First off, we're too lazy to google "Parent," but let's assume that the dictionary definition has something to do with being concerned with the welfare of a human child in one's permanent care. In this context, the term "Welfare" likely outlines two primary goals:

1) Keeping the child alive
2) Preparing the child to one day survive alone on Planet Earth.

The above PSP post provides irrefutable evidence that Mama Glinda, the Good Witch of the North Slope, is FAILING at goal #2, AS HARD OR HARDER than the parents of the most obese, diabetic, nutritionally neglected, no-life-expectancy-having child that Realty Television has to offer.

If she is teaching her child to cry at the sight of a hot dog, how does that prepare the kid for REAL earthly challenges like muggings, job interviews, and tax audits? This child will be such a pussy that it won't have the survival skills to live anywhere but a 2 square-mile radius of The Park Slope Food Co-Op, Downtown Santa Cruz, and maybe Maui.

Glinda is also teaching this kid that it's right to judge others by what food they eat, AND that she should SEVER human relationships on the basis of a friend's nitrate intake.

But that's not the worst of it: Now, we all know that kids raised without toy guns and sugared-cereal are the FIRST ones to get to college and go ballistic with Fruity Pebbles and M-16s... but just pretend for a moment that Mama Glinda's psychotically controlling, hysterical, *classist* strategy would actually result in her desired effect: Let's pretend that after 18 years of hard work and preemptively-destroyed friendships, Glinda was able to produce a perfect little scientologist Vegan. What then?

I know: your mind goes DIRECTLY to the National Spelling Bee championship of 2007. How could it not?

As you recall, the winner of the 2007 National Spelling Bee was a home-schooled GENIUS who had been painstakingly trained to excel at a single task: spelling. Like Glinda's ideal vegan daughter, he performed his seal-trick to perfection, but in exchange, was completely bereft of the far more practical social apparatus that a normally-raised human child receives for free.

THIS WAS THE RESULT:

Enough of this temperance and analogy! Come on, let's tell it like it is: these Vegans are fucking crazy, and we all know that they're malnourished, pasty little weaklings. So when they force this insane lifestyle on their children...GET MAD!

When Ellen DeGeneres launched a brand of Vegan cat food, the entire motherfucking internet went crazy telling her she had no right to force starvation on these poor little iron-deficient, carnivorous mammals. So where is the Rage when people force these psycho-diets on other helpless PEOPLE!?

Answer: It's right here: Get bent, Glinda, you hippie little vegan slut.

Spreading love and joy,
Effed in Mother Fucking Park Slope

P.S. Many thanks to the fab anon FIPS reader who sent this ridiculousness to us in the first place with the following epic descriptor: "Most entitled, controlling, solipsistic, classist, hysterical Park Slope Parents post in history? I think this could be it."