No One Wants to Hear "SHIT PARK SLOPE PARENTS SAY"

The NY Daily News recently reported that a Park Slope mommy is collecting material to make her very own "Shit Park Slope Parents Say" video.

Please take a moment and let this fully sink in (but resist the urge to set your computer on fire. After all...it belongs to the company).

As if we need ANOTHER "Shit _____ Says" video. I actually can't fathom something less funny than Park Slope parents reciting their inane babbling in a quickly-clipped internet video that will for sure not have Juliette Lewis in it (if Buscemi is included, however, I will reconsider this entire post).

We belly-laughed at "Shit Girls Say" (1&2...3 totally sucked right?), "Shit No One Says" was fucking brilliant, "Shit New Yorkers Say" got a chuckle or two ("bagel"), but lasted like 2 minutes too long, and "Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls" made me uncomfortable in front of my Dominican roommate. But seriously, if I wanted to hear about the texture of your areolas post-breastfeeding I would just go to the park, or La Bagel Delight, or the F Train, or Beacon's Closet's open air dressing rooms, or any other mother fucking place in the neighborhood.

Leave my precious internet alone, won't you? This is where I go to escape children named Olive and Constantine, where I don't have to dodge your Bugaboo to get my hangover remedy, and where I don't have to talk about the latest organic farm-raised baby food alternative you just learned to puree. 

If you need any other evidence that this is the worst idea ever...here are some examples of Slope parents' suggestions of material for the video:

“Alfalfa can’t come to Fitzherbert’s party. She’s prepping for her preschool admission play date that day.”

“We don't use the word 'No' in our house.”

“I'm going to sell my birthing pool/nursing bra/maternity panties."

I have to say...I respect the SHIT outta' of you people with kids, but could you do me a favor? Don't make this video. Also, do you wanna split a cookie?