BREAKING: Gorilla's Lawsuits Against Former Employees & The NY Times Are DEE-SMISSED!

Photo By Park Slope Lens

Brooklyn's Coffee War of 2010, which pit Gorilla Coffee against former employees and The New York Times, has finally been settled. We just received this breaking press release from Brandworkers International: 

New York, NY- State Supreme Court Justice Wayne P. Saitta has dismissed a defamation lawsuit filed by Gorilla Coffee against a group of its former employees who spoke out regarding management's behavior at the company.  After sustained attempts to improve what they viewed as a hostile work environment at the prominent Brooklyn-based cafe and coffee roaster, the workers caused a stir in the gourmet coffee community and in the news media by resigning their employment as a group and discussing their decision in a letter to the New York Times.  

To refresh, back in April of 2010 every single Gorilla Coffee employee walked the fuck out, citing "a 'perpetually malicious, hostile, and demeaning work environment' under Carol McLaughlin, one of the two owners, and demanded that she withdraw from daily operations at the coffee bar." Because they had no staff, Gorilla closed it's ass down for two weeks. Then the NY Times wrote an article about the incident and published a note from the staffers, which read in part:

Click to read more ...

Starbucks CEO Bashes Park Slope

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is throwin some mad shade our way:

From Curbed:

"The topic of Brooklyn gentrification came up during a lunch with a Financial Times writer, and Schultz said of Park Slope, "That's not really Brooklyn," before saying about Bensonhurst, "That's Brooklyn."

WELL, EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME, MR. SCHULTZ! IF PARK SLOPE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR FOXY BROWN'S MOTHER FOR CHRISSAKES, IT SHOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

I know.

Let's play a fun game and switch that sentence around to talk about coffee!

"Starbucks...that's not real coffee."

GLASS HOUSES, BTCHZ. G-L-A-S-S  H-O-U-S-E-Z.

BREAKING: What's With The Disgruntled Coffee Workers of Park Slope?

I'll have you know that Ozzie's Coffee cares about the people. Per their website, they are 95% free and fair trade. And organic. They are powered by public service ads from Google about the virtues of going solar and micro financing goat herders in Malawi.

But, apparently, as ordained by the National Labor Relations Board, they are also union busters. Or, at least, they fired a barista for his union affiliation. Ozzie's said they fired the dude because he was a complainer and a pain in the ass. 

First Gorilla and now Ozzie's? And wait, wasn't there that brother-sister fight between Cafe Regular and Cafe Martin? What the hell is going on around here? I'm thinking we need a Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins in Center Slope where sanity can reign.

Per the Village Voice courtesy of the Brooklyn Paper via I don't know who...

The shop's owner maintains that the firing had nothing to do with Bauer's union membership but instead took place because he was "constantly complaining to customers and other employees." Apparently Bauer is continuing to stage protests outside of the establishment, which probably won't predispose his former employers to give him his job back.

NY Times To Gorilla Coffee: AYFKMWTS??

Le sigh.

This shit is officially boring me more than babies in bars.

Unsurprisingly, the NYT, you know CAUSE THEY'RE NOT FUCKING MORONS, have moved to dismiss the ridiculous, retarded, spectacularly stupid libel case that Gorilla Coffee is waging against them, as well as their former employees.

They officially filed a motion to dismiss the case, and I'm sure, based on my belief that logic is at least still a teeny tiny factor in these sorts of decisions, it will probably be granted. Here's why:

...through this lawsuit management—while undoubtedly happy that the newspaper published its side of events—seeks to punish the Times for telling the public what the workers were saying. Not surprisingly, neither the state nor the federal constitution nor the law of libel allows the plaintiffs to do that—to use civil litigation to silence newspapers that publish opinions they disagree with.

At this point, Gorilla's only hope for winning me back is to invite me over for a private photography sesh with Taylor-n-Jakey poo. Otherwise, I'm just over it all.

(via Eater)

TAKE THAT, GORILLA! The Youth Will Rebel With Plush Toys

This holiday season, wanna make sure your anti-Gorilla Coffee campaign makes it down to the small blob in your home that may resemble a person in a few years? Start brainwashing 'em early:

Cute, cuddly, twenty-five bucks. (Future therapy and nightmare insurance not included.)

Now that I've personal-shopped your asses, anyone wanna head to Grumpy on 7th Avenue and get me a skim cap? (Even if it didn't make the TONY's Best Coffee in Brooklyn list.) I've been stuck home with the plague and would highly appreciate it.