FIPS CARES: FREE ADVICE FOR LOCAL PARK SLOPE BUSINESSES

Ok, so my war with Smartmom over this whole idea of "community responsibility" has brought up some good points. And while I still believe wholeheartedly that it's not up to me to help support some shitty Park Slope business just for the sake of embracing my community, as I mentioned, I'm more than happy to support the businesses out there are that don't suck and who are really trying.

I have some ideas....and my guess is you bitches do too. So this is where we let loose.

ATTENTION BUSINESS OWNERS OF PARK SLOPE: IF YOU WANNA HEAR WTF WE ALL WANT, KEEP READING. SCROLL DOWN INTO THE COMMENTS AND HEAR THE PEOPLE. WE PROBABLY HAVE SOME PRETTY FUCKING GOOD IDEAS.

In order to get this party started, here are some ideas from the FIPS crew:

ERICA

• hey La Bagel Delight: change the layout of your N. Slope store! It's horrible! Also, start selling mini-bagels otherwise I'm gonna keep going to Bagel Market! Also, cause you only do your fresh OJ on the weekend, I now buy that at BM too. And finally: the black and white cookies at Terrace Bagels are life changing, but it's too far away. So if you can either sell those OR make yours like that, that would also really rock.
• Hey Bagel Market: I love the pooch drop off thing you offer where you promise to bring anyone's order to the door if they are there with their dog. But your phone number is not listed ANYWHERE online!? WTF? It's also not listed on the sign you have on your door, offering this service if we "call ahead." How do we call ahead when we can't find your number?? LIST IT. Also, you have the same amazing OJ as La Bagel, but they chill it and you don't, so there's tastes a bit better. 
• Hey every other business in Park Slope: offer that pooch drop off shit like Bagel Market! That's awesome!
• hey Tea Lounge: those cupcakes that you guys sell are disgusting...they look nice, but they don't taste good. Try Robicelli's. Also, please for the love of gawd, redo your bathroom. Also, sidenote: I got one of your salads the other day and it was amazing! You guys need to push your food more, cause everything I've had there has been killer, and food cost more than coffee, so KA-CHING.
• WHY ISN'T ANYONE OPENING UP A SALAD PLACE??? I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT? THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS COST LIKE $10 bucks each by the time you're done putting all your shit in there? Isn't that a good return on your money? This would go gangbusters in our neighborhood.
• Hey Blue Apron: Thank you x a million billion for having English candy bars. Sometimes I just NEED a chunky Kit Kat. Also, your cheese selection is amazeballs, but your cracker selection? Not so much.

M.F.

It's sad that as much as I want to support independent coffee shops such as S'nice and Ozzie's, I'm tired of snarky, rockabilly baristas scowling at me just for ordering an iced coffee!?

If I wanted to be judged on my outfit, companion, or body type every time I got my java fix, I'd still live with my mother.

When the green dungeon known as Starbucks becomes a warmer, friendlier place to sit and enjoy a beverage, then I know I'm in trouble.

I'm in trouble.

MEREDITH

• Hey, La Bagel across from Methodist--why did you get rid of the low-fat tuna salad? You had it for a fucking week. Ugh. Also, yes, whole wheat mini-bagels.
• Hey, Key Food: you are so fucking expensive. WHY.
• Hey, Perch: your coffee is kind of terrible. What's up with that?
• And yes, yes, and triple yes on the salad place.

PARK SLOPE LENS

• We need dude stores. PS has like 300 cutesy chick shops and nothing for the guys. I have to go to SoHo to get clothes for me, gifts for Dad, etc. Hog Mountain was the only one here, but heir shitty service and identity crisis made them go bye bye.  We have tons of savvy dudes here, and absolutely no places for them. The market is wide open.
• PS (and all of BK) needs spots for cheap healthier food.  I moved here from Boston, and they had that shit everywhere.  I'm talking Chipolte-esque, $8-10 meal with healthy amount of cals, etc.  I eat every meal out (like many of my fellow 20-somethings do), and it's hard to keep the wallet and waistline in shape while eating in PS [ed. note: WELL THAT FUCKING PROBLEM WOULD BE SOLVED WITH A GREAT SALAD PLACE! :)]
• What about destination spots?  That kind of stuff brings ppl and dollars in from outside the nabe.  If you're a fauxhemian living in PS or Sunset, you're aware that you need to drop your cash in Wburg to get your vintage lunchboxes and Alf t-shirts.  Want vinyl? Go to the Village.  Need electronic shit? B&H. Who travels to Park Slope to do anything?  What are we known for outside our borders that would make ppl want to visit?
• Does everyone go to bed here at 8:00 P.M.? Can something stay open later?  I love living in Park Slope, but I'm young and have energy.  At 10PM, north Slope looks like a tunnel of shut gates.  
• Is anyone aware of cooperation btwn the BIDs and community board, etc?  A more sophisticated community business planning strategy could help us serve the neighborhood way better. What about the seemingly abandoned buildings?  That shit is like a death knell for a pedestrian retail corridor like 5th and 7th Avs. Maybe the city and CB could work with the owners to create remodeling incentives and renting incentives. Even a new soulless 6 story bougie condo building would be better for the nabe economy than 2 or 3 crumbling vacant buildings next to each other.

AMANDA

• Rite Aid on Seventh Avenue: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD, OPEN UP MORE REGISTERS.  Go in there at 9am, there's a line out the door.  Go in there at 2am, there's a line out the door.  It don't matter.  There's always a line.  I JUST WANT TO BUY AN 18 RACK OF BEER AND SIT ALONE IN MY APARTMENT WHAT IS THE FUCKING HOLD UP?
• Tarzian Hardware: Look, if I'm going to waste an entire weekend painting my apartment or some stupid shit, I want to get started early.  Who ever heard of a hardware store opening at 11AM on the weekends?  You think they would have a clue because there's a LINE outside of the store at 10:50AM waiting for it to open.  I guess the joke's on us. 

Ok team Park Slope, your turn. Lay it all on the line!