A Tea Lounge Survival Guide For the Babyless

(photo: NY Mag)

After my internet went out early last week, I found myself desperate, alone, and left with no choice: I had to go to the Tea Lounge.

Now, I really do love the Tea Lounge. I like the energy there, the feeling that we're all typing away for the collective good of the dub dub dub at large, and I also really dig the hot apple cider. But, after spending an extended party remix amount of time there, I can handily confirm that all the rumors are true: "Tea Lounge" IS actually code for "daycare center."

R u babyless? Wanna survive your Tea Lounge experience without killing anyone? Learn from my mistakes and follow these 5 simple rules...

5. Choose the right seat - I cannot stress how critical this is. More than anything else, this will likely influence your overall Tea Lounge level of enjoyment. As a general rule, I find that closer to the wall is best. Most ideal = that platform seating against the back wall. Is it the most comfortable? No, but have you ever seen anyone lug a bugaboo up there? Also, misbehaved kids can fall off the platform onto their fucking faces and so Mommies-n-Daddies seem to avoid this spot at all costs. 2nd choice would be seating at the communal table against the side wall. Now if there is some sort of live muzak or poetry slam going on, they move this table, so this isn't *always* an option, but that tends to happen later at night after most of the kiddos are gone anyway. Also, a seat at the bar is always a good bet, which brings me to #4.

4. Order Booze - I don't care what time it is, order yourself up a cocktail. Nothing else says "fuck off" to a parent quite as effectively as a hipster with their macbook drinking a beer at 10:30am. Even if you don't plan on really drinking, its worth the $8 for the martini glass. Trust me: its almost like wearing a garlic necklace to ward off a vampire: the shit works.

3. Avoid the front half of the Lounge - This is sorta related to #5, but is worth calling out: that front sectional couch area (closest to the free standing video game in the corner) seems to be the unofficial Romper Room area. I don't know if its because its closest to the stroller parking lot (i.e. where all the SUV strollers are left) or if its a legitimate Tea Lounge designated playpen area, but don't go there. This is especially critical if you find yourself there anytime before 8pm (the morn, unsurprisingly, seems to be the worst. OH, also, at 11am on Wednesdays there is a "sing along;" DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT ever go there at this time).

2. Don't make eye contact, Smile or say "aww, how cute" to anyone - This one seems pretty obvious, but is also crucial. Just as weirdos like that dude Mystery who has that whole show about pickin' up women on VH1 talks about the signals you give off at a bar, so is the case at TL. Smiling at a kid or engaging one in conversation is a classic sign that you are open/interested in tot time. If one parent sees you being all shmoopy with someone else's kid, then they won't think twice when their little rug rat comes running through and throws their blankie in your face. They saw you showing Cooper what a cappuccino is! You Love kids! N'uh uh. Keep to yourself and don't talk to anyone (unless you are sitting next to a hot guy/girl and you are single and ready to mingle...in which case you should watch that Pick Up Artist show on Vh1).

1. Surf porn - When all else fails, this is your most effective go to getthefuckawayfromme technique. When Super Mom walks by you as you're casually surfin on Hot XXX Latina Bitches dot com, you're guar-awn-teed that she'll be keepin her lil bebe as far away from you as she possibly can (i.e. probably on the front couch). TIP: I like to keep some porn open in one of my browser tabs, just in case I ever need to quickly pull it up.

So, yeah--I get that there is no hope of ever having a babyless Tea Lounge enviro. But is segregation really so bad after all?

Say Cheez

Some of the most horrendous pics of me in *existence* are from those yearly school photo shoot escapades we're all forced to endure (particularly from my pre-braces, pre discovery of styling products era). So I totally dug seeing these bright, cutesy, 2.0 school photos from Park Slope rez Thomas Roemischer.

If you don't want your kids to hate you in 20 years, I highly recommend you call this dude.

(via NYT).

Awesome Money Saving Idea: Can Your Nanny!

So you can have more cash 4 botox-ing (obvs)!

"Suzanne Sirof, the wife of a prominent litigation attorney in LA who says she fired her impoverished El Salvadoran nanny so she could keep up with her beauty regimen. 'Nothing deters me from my Botox treatments,' she says."

Awww...MILFS 4 evs.

(WSJ via City File)

BREEDER vs. BALLER: If You Don't Have Kids, You're A Selfish Asshole

Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.

BALLER:
The decision to have kids or not was not was fairly easy for me. It went something like this: Dear Self: am I giving, loving, rich, patient, selfless enough to take on 100% caring for another little human being? (no) Ready to nurture, teach, and love 24/7, 365 days a year, even when said little human being is being really, really fucking annoying and crying and pooping? (no). Willing to pay for all their shit (instead of minez), giving up travel, and expensive haircuts and shopping at Dean & Deluca so I can buy organic baby food and a $900 stroller? (no). I'm too fucking selfish.

Really that's it.

Choosing not to have kids is, considered by many, to be an incredibly selfish act. A virtual fuck you to society-at-large.

Whatevs, dudez...I get that the "children are our future"-n-shit, but that's all you, dawg. Good luck with it! I'll be chillin' at a random Brooklyn house party with Bill Murray.

It literally just hit me one day a few years ago...like those "aha moments" that Oprah is blabbing about all the time. Finally, one day it just flat out occurred to my ass that I don't *have* to have a baby. And not only do I not have to have a baby, its totally 100% ok if I don't want one. I DON'T WANT A BABY! WOOO HOOOO! It honestly, was that freeing...it felt like I was on that Batman ride at Six Flags or bungee jumping in Mexico on some makeshift, uninsurable bridge.

The selfish accusations started soon after. I believe my grandma (this sweet, unassuming, Long Island Jewish bubby) was the first to say "NO KIDS? Isn't that a little selfish?" At first I was kind of dumbfounded...like I didn't even quite know how to respond to the remark, so I just changed the subject.

After you get married, its pretty near impossible to avoid this conversation with well meaning busy bodies family members and friends. People get married, and then they have kids. That's just what's done. Conveying the fact that you don't want kids (REALLY don't want kids) is an art all unto itself. It's no easy task getting across, in a friendly and non-judgmental manner, the fact that you have zero desire to do what, in all likelihood, almost every human being you know has already done and/or will do at some point. This is touchy...and, not-surprisingly, this whole idea of being selfish actually comes up pretty often.

Usually its in the form of half-hearted, passive agressive judgments like this one: "No kids? Wow? Well, that will be nice...everyone has different priorities, I guess" (READ: You're a selfish asshole and I'm a loving, caring human being because I've made the decision to breed. Yay me).

Or this one: "No kids?! That's really great...really. Though, I just can't imagine how unfulfilled my life would be without [insert annoying SILTH baby name here]" (READ: You're a selfish asshole and you are gonna regret this decision when you're old and you have no one to take care of you. Yay me).

The thing is, while I don't appreciate the back handed judgments, I do agree that selfishness played a major role in my decision. I made the ultimate life choice: to tend my own damn garden, go after all my own dreams, eat chocolate cake for dinner, keep porn on my tivo, travel, keep all my money for me and my husband, do everything I want to do exactly when I want to fucking do it. BOOM!

So, yes: choosing not to have kids is totally fucking selfish...and I totally don't fucking care.

BREEDER:
Baller, I don't think you get it.

Unlike you, I would never publicly judge someone for the life decisions they make, as long as those life decisions don't hurt other people.

What you wrote is beautiful, and I'm glad you're happy. No retort.

The Dirty Little Secret of Motherhood?: Playing Favorites

Ha! Mommy likes Bronx Mowgli better than Apple Cincinatti. Whose your fav-oh-rite? Do you do this? Is this horrible?

(via The Daily Beast)