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Entries in SILTH (4)

Tuesday
Jan132009

Are You Raising A Douchebag?


Details was wondering (and fine, so were we).

"Do you think it's cute when 4-year-olds opine about Damien Hirst and demand heirloom tomatoes?"

(If we had a category like Gawker called Shut Up Brooklyn, this would most def be in it).

Thursday
Dec112008

BREEDER vs. BALLER: If You Don't Have Kids, You're A Selfish Asshole


Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.

BALLER:
The decision to have kids or not was not was fairly easy for me. It went something like this: Dear Self: am I giving, loving, rich, patient, selfless enough to take on 100% caring for another little human being? (no) Ready to nurture, teach, and love 24/7, 365 days a year, even when said little human being is being really, really fucking annoying and crying and pooping? (no). Willing to pay for all their shit (instead of minez), giving up travel, and expensive haircuts and shopping at Dean & Deluca so I can buy organic baby food and a $900 stroller? (no). I'm too fucking selfish.

Really that's it.

Choosing not to have kids is, considered by many, to be an incredibly selfish act. A virtual fuck you to society-at-large.

Whatevs, dudez...I get that the "children are our future"-n-shit, but that's all you, dawg. Good luck with it! I'll be chillin' at a random Brooklyn house party with Bill Murray.

It literally just hit me one day a few years ago...like those "aha moments" that Oprah is blabbing about all the time. Finally, one day it just flat out occurred to my ass that I don't *have* to have a baby. And not only do I not have to have a baby, its totally 100% ok if I don't want one. I DON'T WANT A BABY! WOOO HOOOO! It honestly, was that freeing...it felt like I was on that Batman ride at Six Flags or bungee jumping in Mexico on some makeshift, uninsurable bridge.

The selfish accusations started soon after. I believe my grandma (this sweet, unassuming, Long Island Jewish bubby) was the first to say "NO KIDS? Isn't that a little selfish?" At first I was kind of dumbfounded...like I didn't even quite know how to respond to the remark, so I just changed the subject.

After you get married, its pretty near impossible to avoid this conversation with well meaning busy bodies family members and friends. People get married, and then they have kids. That's just what's done. Conveying the fact that you don't want kids (REALLY don't want kids) is an art all unto itself. It's no easy task getting across, in a friendly and non-judgmental manner, the fact that you have zero desire to do what, in all likelihood, almost every human being you know has already done and/or will do at some point. This is touchy...and, not-surprisingly, this whole idea of being selfish actually comes up pretty often.

Usually its in the form of half-hearted, passive agressive judgments like this one: "No kids? Wow? Well, that will be nice...everyone has different priorities, I guess" (READ: You're a selfish asshole and I'm a loving, caring human being because I've made the decision to breed. Yay me).

Or this one: "No kids?! That's really great...really. Though, I just can't imagine how unfulfilled my life would be without [insert annoying SILTH baby name here]" (READ: You're a selfish asshole and you are gonna regret this decision when you're old and you have no one to take care of you. Yay me).

The thing is, while I don't appreciate the back handed judgments, I do agree that selfishness played a major role in my decision. I made the ultimate life choice: to tend my own damn garden, go after all my own dreams, eat chocolate cake for dinner, keep porn on my tivo, travel, keep all my money for me and my husband, do everything I want to do exactly when I want to fucking do it. BOOM!

So, yes: choosing not to have kids is totally fucking selfish...and I totally don't fucking care.

BREEDER:
Baller, I don't think you get it.

Unlike you, I would never publicly judge someone for the life decisions they make, as long as those life decisions don't hurt other people.

What you wrote is beautiful, and I'm glad you're happy. No retort.

Friday
Dec052008

SILTH: It's On*


*Spotted in my Park Slope Twitter feed (and yes, fyi: SILTH is happening).

Follow Jawnita on Twitter for more rad updates...she's cool like that.

Thursday
Dec042008

OMGZ, I Can Haz Park Slope LOLZ?


In case you all missed that anon comment I deleted yesterday morn, I'm a lazy, horrible writer. Also, I rarely come up with any of my own ideas and usually just sponge off the intellectual prowess of all of my other, far more worthy, dub dub dub comrades.

Anyway, I've totally been loving the latest LOL cat iteration: I can has hipsters.

It's taken me awhile to allow the LOL cool-aid to kick in, but my indoctrination into the meme of all memes, is moving along nicely now.

While Park Slope is obvs not on the hipster Brooklyn map at all, we do certainly have our own brand of yuppified douchetards....or SILTHS, if you will (Slopers I'd Like To Hurt) [Wow! Our own alterna-hipster acronym. Meme-tastic!].

Right.

So, back to the stealing someone else's idea part: this all got me thinking that I would like to give this "I can have hipster" thing a go Park Slope style. But while this tact works like a fucking charm in Billyburg, we've got a totally diff flava goin on here.

Always looking a challenge straight in its motherfuckin face, I've decided to press on. And so, herewith, are our first ill conceived, but official nonetheless "I can have SILTH" photoz. N Joy:


For the love of gawd, pretty please make our day and send us some additional Park Slope lolz pics (we'll post the best ones).

I can haz begging?

Update: Here's Benjamin's entry: