A Tea Lounge Survival Guide For the Babyless
Erica | Monday, December 29, 2008 at 12:48AM 
(photo: NY Mag)
After my internet went out early last week, I found myself desperate, alone, and left with no choice: I had to go to the Tea Lounge.
Now, I really do love the Tea Lounge. I like the energy there, the feeling that we're all typing away for the collective good of the dub dub dub at large, and I also really dig the hot apple cider. But, after spending an extended party remix amount of time there, I can handily confirm that all the rumors are true: "Tea Lounge" IS actually code for "daycare center."
R u babyless? Wanna survive your Tea Lounge experience without killing anyone? Learn from my mistakes and follow these 5 simple rules...
5. Choose the right seat - I cannot stress how critical this is. More than anything else, this will likely influence your overall Tea Lounge level of enjoyment. As a general rule, I find that closer to the wall is best. Most ideal = that platform seating against the back wall. Is it the most comfortable? No, but have you ever seen anyone lug a bugaboo up there? Also, misbehaved kids can fall off the platform onto their fucking faces and so Mommies-n-Daddies seem to avoid this spot at all costs. 2nd choice would be seating at the communal table against the side wall. Now if there is some sort of live muzak or poetry slam going on, they move this table, so this isn't *always* an option, but that tends to happen later at night after most of the kiddos are gone anyway. Also, a seat at the bar is always a good bet, which brings me to #4.
4. Order Booze - I don't care what time it is, order yourself up a cocktail. Nothing else says "fuck off" to a parent quite as effectively as a hipster with their macbook drinking a beer at 10:30am. Even if you don't plan on really drinking, its worth the $8 for the martini glass. Trust me: its almost like wearing a garlic necklace to ward off a vampire: the shit works.
3. Avoid the front half of the Lounge - This is sorta related to #5, but is worth calling out: that front sectional couch area (closest to the free standing video game in the corner) seems to be the unofficial Romper Room area. I don't know if its because its closest to the stroller parking lot (i.e. where all the SUV strollers are left) or if its a legitimate Tea Lounge designated playpen area, but don't go there. This is especially critical if you find yourself there anytime before 8pm (the morn, unsurprisingly, seems to be the worst. OH, also, at 11am on Wednesdays there is a "sing along;" DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT ever go there at this time).
2. Don't make eye contact, Smile or say "aww, how cute" to anyone - This one seems pretty obvious, but is also crucial. Just as weirdos like that dude Mystery who has that whole show about pickin' up women on VH1 talks about the signals you give off at a bar, so is the case at TL. Smiling at a kid or engaging one in conversation is a classic sign that you are open/interested in tot time. If one parent sees you being all shmoopy with someone else's kid, then they won't think twice when their little rug rat comes running through and throws their blankie in your face. They saw you showing Cooper what a cappuccino is! You Love kids! N'uh uh. Keep to yourself and don't talk to anyone (unless you are sitting next to a hot guy/girl and you are single and ready to mingle...in which case you should watch that Pick Up Artist show on Vh1).
1. Surf porn - When all else fails, this is your most effective go to getthefuckawayfromme technique. When Super Mom walks by you as you're casually surfin on Hot XXX Latina Bitches dot com, you're guar-awn-teed that she'll be keepin her lil bebe as far away from you as she possibly can (i.e. probably on the front couch). TIP: I like to keep some porn open in one of my browser tabs, just in case I ever need to quickly pull it up.
So, yeah--I get that there is no hope of ever having a babyless Tea Lounge enviro. But is segregation really so bad after all?
Tea Lounge, eats, hipsters, kids, ongoing beefs 
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Reader Comments (14)
I generally leave a porn tab open for when my boss compulsively looks over my shoulder (everybody's shoulders) in the salt mine. If he thinks we're fucking around, I'll be sure to show him the champagne glass up the azz vid.
I love it! Great post. And your blog rocks!
I love this effin blog.
You forgot the most important survival tip - headphones! Ya gotta have them to survive the kiddie noises (i have 2 kids myself) & the seriously hippie shit music they play there at times. I "worked" there with my laptop for a while in between gigs once and the headphones we're crucial to my sanity.
@Dan FUCK, you are so right. Though, they blast the muzak so loud, sometimes headphones don't even cut it (though I only have those lame ear bud ones)
Kids in a coffee shop during the day? In brownstone Brooklyn? This is such a tired post, I got douche chills reading this...
I have a kid, and I live in Park Slope, so I suck, right?
Order your beer, avoid eye contact, whatever makes your tea lounge experience better, just please know that actually writing this corny-ass blog makes you into more of a stereotype than I could ever hope to be.
Honestly, you suck.
freakytreats@yahoo.com
freakytreats, you don't suck because you have a kind and live in park slope. you suck because you suck, it's a zen tautological suck so at least be proud of it!
Great blog!
Last time I went to the Tea Lounge was on a rare (for me) baby-free morning. I wanted to sit with a bagel and coffee and relax. But every single seat was taken up by a laptop-staring non-eating-or-drinking drone. No kids in the place. Also no seats, and no one was moving. I was so pissed. Complain about the kids in there all you want, at least the parents come in, buy some food and drink, and leave relatively quickly.
I've lived in park slope for 15+ years, have a kid, and have NEVER stepped foot in the tea lounge. I get what you're lampooning because a lot of parents these days think it's a badge of honor to have NO life. They can afford it. But I guess I'd just suggest not going there. Who drinks tea anyway?
I love this post. I don't think it's tired, nor do I get douche chills. This is just a sample of what non kid having people deal with on a daily basis. When did it become ok to have kids in a bar? Parents do not "come in, buy some food and drink, and leave relatively quickly," they sit and stay as though it were their own private playgroup and do nothing to teach the kids how to behave in public.
Listen, no one hates being around kids more than parents without theirs (seriously iheartbk), so I have to concur on the 11am Wednesday singalong session being a must to avoid. Even headphones won't drown out that drone.
But truly, the worst thing about Tea Lounge in my opinion are those incredibly disgusting bathrooms. I guess if you start drinking early enough, they probably wouldn't be so objectionable, but otherwise I'd probably have to give the snot-nosed kid and his insufferable grownup the ever-so-slightly-preferable-edge.
Why don't people understand what cafes are for--letting me spend all day using free wifi in peace in exchange for buying $2 of coffee?
what a shit waste of bandwidth this blog post is. such a PLAYED topic. shocking! unattended kids shrieking in the TEA LOUNGE! gasp!
what's next - a posting on the sudden fashion scourge of trucker hats?
i've got one for you - how about a posting on the nimrods who park with their laptops in the good seats at the tea lounge and nurse a small coffee for 3 hours so they can write trite shit into their blogs?
give me the mommies and their kids - at least they buy shit and keep local businesses open.
let's focus, people.