Awards are Like Assholes: Brooklyn Bar Awards

image via Brownstoner

METAPHOR! SIMILE! Awards are like assholes. Everybody's got one, they're responsible for a lot of shit, and while we probably shouldn't watch them being presented, for the love of Jebus we just can't help ourselves. We absolutely have to see. Damn captivating sexy assholes!

On that note, yesterday L Magazine, the arbiters of all things slightly edgier than The Village Voice, released their "2011 Brooklyn Bar Awards," twenty categories of awards devoted to every imaginable aspect of what makes a bar great.

As an avid drinker, I was intrigued. Would my fave Park Slope drink tanks® be TOTALLY VALIDATED amongst the greater Brooklyn bar scene? Could I finally sleep with myself at night (without the use of alcohol)? As it turns out, four Park Slope bars were named and I've spent many drunken hours in two of them, so I slept like a baby last night.

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PRIME 6 PETITION: ANYTHING BUT HIP-HOP!

Sorry Park Slope: this is the kind of thing that makes me want to move to NJ and live in a white community that ADMITS they're racist.

Apparently this "petition" has been floating around facebook since yesterday; and I'm embarrassed to see that a few douchebags have actually SIGNED it.

The gist of it is that this retarded park slope yenta (non jewish? thank g-d) is trying to convince the owners of that new controversial bar on Flatbush, Prime 6, to "embrace indie music" instead of hip hop. If you read between the lines, the none-too-subtle message is that she'd rather have white guys in flannels standing around her patio than hard hittin' brothas with blow-torches and pairs a' pliers.

Boogity Boogity Boogity, Jennifer!!! The blacks are comin' and they're gonna GETCHA!!!

Brooklyn Nets! Hoo. Ha. Hoo. Ha. Say goodbye to property values! Here they come! Yo, Flatbush KFC is next son, HOLLA!

Clueless fucking cunt.

p.s. Check out vids of Jennifer's homies protesting shit at the Community Board meeting on Monday night here.

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Prime 6 NYC v. Park Slope

R'uh R'oh.

Apparently a new two-floor club/lounge called Prime 6 NYC is going in at the old Royal Video spot on 6th Ave and Flatbush. There will be live music...and some sports bar shit...and they're even planning some back yard outdoor seating area. And yep, you guesed it: some Park Slope residents are ready to go Loco over the whole thing.

Now I honestly have no clue if this club is a good idea or not, however, I'm having way too much fun reading between the lines to notice. Join me!

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THE BEST FIRST DATE BARS IN PARK SLOPE

I've been going on awkward internet first dates for years in this neighborhood, so if there's one thing I know, it's that finding the perfect first date spot is harder than you might think.

So when I saw this e-mail in my inbox this morning, I cheered that I wasn't the only one searchin'. Take a look (names have been changed to protect the innocent):

From: Emily Valentine 
Sent: Monday, February 14, 2011 8:17 AM
To: NineDaves
Subject: quick advice: good bar?

Hey! I have a first date with a lawyer from South Dakota (well, he lives here now) tomorrow night. He lives in the East Village, but offered to come to Brooklyn to “try something new.” Where should I suggest? I go to the same 3 bars over and over, as you know.

There's a lot of requirements for the perfect first date bar: you want a place that's interesting, inexpensive, and intimate. It has to be quiet but not too quiet; casual but not dingey. There can't be a lot of other singles there (lest he/she find someone cuter), but you also don't want to be in couples kingdom. It's always nice to leave the door open for an upgrade to dinner if the date is going well, so staying close to a few good restaurants is key. You also need an escape route if things start sucking, so being within walking distance of a subway is also clutch. Add all this into the typical first date jitters mix ("Please god, let him look something like his picture!"), and the pressure to find a good spot can become totally overwhelming. 

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Drinks for Teacher At South

Overheard in Roots Café (How I get most of my news—frinstance, did you guys know there’s some stuff going on in Egypt?): South Bar (5th Ave b/t 17th and 18th) has a teachers’ happy hour, 3-5 Fridays.

I like this idea. A lot.

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