Awards are Like Assholes: Brooklyn Bar Awards

image via Brownstoner

METAPHOR! SIMILE! Awards are like assholes. Everybody's got one, they're responsible for a lot of shit, and while we probably shouldn't watch them being presented, for the love of Jebus we just can't help ourselves. We absolutely have to see. Damn captivating sexy assholes!

On that note, yesterday L Magazine, the arbiters of all things slightly edgier than The Village Voice, released their "2011 Brooklyn Bar Awards," twenty categories of awards devoted to every imaginable aspect of what makes a bar great.

As an avid drinker, I was intrigued. Would my fave Park Slope drink tanks® be TOTALLY VALIDATED amongst the greater Brooklyn bar scene? Could I finally sleep with myself at night (without the use of alcohol)? As it turns out, four Park Slope bars were named and I've spent many drunken hours in two of them, so I slept like a baby last night.

The two that I've spent many drunken hours in—Pacific Standard and Mission Dolores—won the respective titles of "Best Sports Bar" and “Best Bar For Babies."

I've spent two of my last five birthdays at Pacific Standard, so they hold some sort of place in my heart, but I've NEVER thought of it as a sports bar. I guess maybe when I'm not there it's all "Sports! Sports! Sports!” behind my back but when I am there, it’s because they serve tons of beers that stimulate my beer snob endorphins.

As for Mission Clitoris, those fuckers have an awesomely snobby beer list and some enchanting distressed sheet metal walls. Of the last two times I went there, the first time I drank next to a gaggle of baby carriages and the second time my mid-thirties brain swore it was back in college…so I guess that "Best Bar For Babies" title works on multiple levels.

The other two Park Slope bars honored with awards are The Rock Shop and Union Hall. The Rock Shop won for "Best Live Music," which I'm all in favor of. Personally, I haven't been yet but I have been pissed at myself for missing multiple acts that've played there since it opened last year. Plus, as someone who a decade ago used to catch five-to-ten concerts a month, I'm sort of over Williamsburg hogging all the good Brooklyn venues. That nabe's SO 2002. Go Rock Shop.

As for Union Hall, I guess they have live music too, but they took the coveted runner-up spot in the "Best Games" category, basically because of their twin bocce courts. Personally, I don't get bocce and I’ve never played any sort of game there (except for with the ladies), so I don’t get it.

The awards Park Slope didn't win? A bunch of awards that no Park Slope bar deserves anyhow. "Best Sexytime Bar?" I don’t even know what the fuck that is, but there is next to nothing sexy about Park Slope bars…that is until Prime 6 moves in, of course. The lone category I think Park Slope was robbed in? "Best Jukebox," which should go to Commonwealth on pure principle.

How do you fuckers out there in comment land feel about this particular set of assholes awards?

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.