Just Cheez It, Alf.

It's like a cheezy, iconic, gay Brit once said: "Saturday night's alright for fighting. Saturday night's alright. Alright. Alright. Woo Hoo Ooh Ooh."

It's like a cheezy, hacky teenager once said in the shitty follow-up to the shitty song that made her famous: "This Saturday we're gonna do it bigger than we ever have before."

It's like a cheezy bunch of 70’s era Scottish teenybopper heartthrobs once said: "It's just a Saturday night."

Guess what I did on Saturday night. Nope. Not cheese. Not even heroin. Nope. I didn't go to TGI Fridays and delight in the splendor that is their kitsch-adorned walls. TGI Fridays is more of a Friday thing. Since it was a Saturday smack dab in the middle of a pussy-snowstorm-induced three-day weekend, a few friends & I decided to travel all the way up the hills of Park Slope to 7th Ave, walking right past all the perfectly fine bars on 5th Ave.

The reason: A brand spanking new bar that just opened up in the old Bar 4 space (RIP and/or I never went there). The moniker: "American Cheez."

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Who Gives A Shit: Does Anyone Go To Beauty Bar?

Beauty Bar when it first opened? Or on a Saturday night?

A few weeks ago, on a Saturday night, I was walking home from a gay bar in the East Village when I passed Beauty Bar on 14th Street. The bar was packed with people - so many so that they spilled outside. The atmosphere inside looked hoppin' - music blasting, people dancing, lots of attractive people mingling. I was like, "Damn, what a super fun bar!"

Then I took the train home to the Slope. And on the walk home, I swung by Beauty Bar on 5th Avenue. The atmosphere was a little... different. There were four people in the bar, and they were all watching some movie that was being projected on the big screen. It was 10:30 on a Saturday night. And no one was there. 

Surely this had to be some sort of fluke. It's the summertime - maybe a lot of people were away for the weekend?

So I started checking back periodically over the following weeks. And wouldn't you know it? No matter what night of the week it was - no matter what time of night - there never seemed to be anyone there.  No music blasting. No dance parties. Everything just seemed... dead. Like, the opposite of fun. 

What's the deal? Does anyone go to Beauty Bar? Is it always that dead? Or does it just get crazy busy like, minutes after I check it out? 

The 5 best bars to host a party in (or around) Park Slope

Draft Barn [VIA MICHAEL M. ON YELP]

If you've ever tried to gather your friends together for a party at a local bar in the neighborhood, you'll know there's not a lot of options of places to go to. Sure, there's a bar on every block in the Slope. But most of them are pretty packed on the regular, and don't have room for 20-or-more people who want to sing you "Happy Birthday" or eat homemade cupcakes or take pictures with the flash on all night long. 

But throughout the years, I've found a few places bars out there that are pretty perfect for large parties. Here are my top five spots!

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What You Should Order At...Blueprint (Cocktail Edition!)

WHAT YOU SHOULD ORDER AT... is a recurring column designed in kind for your opinionated asses and our lazy asses.  We're going to pick one Park Slope resto a week and recommend our favorite dish at each.  Are we right?  Are we wrong?  YOU KNOW YOU WANNA WEIGH IN.  

The cocktail bars keep popping up in the Slope but by far my personal favorite is still always Blueprint. Consistently excellent libations, delicious snacks, and an incredible staff complete with hot Aussie bartender (Hi Andy!).

I’ve have ashamedly tried 80% of the cocktails on the Blueprint menu, so I thought I’d share a couple favorite selections with you that are sure to please even the most discerning of palates.

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Jackie's 5th Amendment Wants to secede from park slope

Local watering hole Jackie's 5th Amendment, which has been referred to by its Yelp reviewers as "Hell's waiting room," "the morgue," and "the perfect place to hit rock bottom," has started a petition to secede itself from Park Slope. Yep. You heard that right.

A Jackie's bartender recently wrote in and explained that after she learned that East Williamsburg was attempting to secede from Williamsburg, she decided that her bar had a far better case for removing oneself from its neighborhood.

Here's the dive bar's reasoning behind the petition:

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