LOCO FOR LOKO: BROOKLYN ASSEMBLYMAN GETS SHITFACED FOR SCIENCE

There's nothing gayer than being "into" local Brooklyn politics: For those of you who have never had the pleasure of attending a Brooklyn PTA meeting, one of the most annoying parts about them (which is like saying "one of the worst parts of cancer") is having these PTA jerkoffs standing around name-dropping Z-list "borough celebrities" and diddling each others' self-importance clits while keeping their arms folded and their heads a'nod.

So granted, while there's nothing gayer than being "into" local Brooklyn politics, even *I* had to learn a Brooklyn Assemblyman's name after he performed this heroically ridiculous stunt in the name of lawmaking:

Here's Assemblyman FELIX ORTIZ (a local rising star and a name to watch out for) downing 2.5 cans of Four Loko before puking and shitting his pants in front of a scruffy "doctor" and hot milfy "newswoman."

The ONLY way that I could possibly give Ortiz more props is if he had simultaneously decided to test the Health Department's statistics on STDs in the Latin American community by mounting the blonde newswoman and entering her without protection.

It'd be a sacrifice, sure, but I'm sure a public servant like Ortiz would be willing to do almost ANYTHING for the sake of the community. 

Fave part of the video -- better than watching Ortiz down that putrid shit or try to walk a straight line afterwards -- is at 2:02 when the American doctor pronounces GUARANA with a Spanish accent like some douchebag language-studies major saying "en-chee-LA-tha" to the guy behind the counter at Uncle Moe's. 

It's so awesome that Ortiz would do this. I will vote for him in every election for the rest of my life to keep him in office forever like King George, even though I don't know if that's possible because I don't know if "Assemblymen" have term limits or even what they do. 

I feel fine about this guy being in office FOREVER, regardless of his policies. Who cares what he thinks about the issues anyway? Nothing he could ever do could POSSIBLY affect a single human life. 

FILTH IN PARK SLOPE: RESTAURANT HEALTH GRADES TRICKLE IN

My least favorite website in the world, worse than fucking Jezebel, is that Health Department site where you search for your favorite restaurants and find out they all have rats. 

Now, the ONLY good thing about this website is that YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT IT -- So needless to say I was a little ambivalent this past summer when I heard about the Health Department's plan to make you look at their restaurant ratings by requiring owners to post them in their entrance windows. 

Here was my concern: Maybe publicly-displayed restaurant health grades are like those horrendous calorie counts on FIVE GUYS' menus, or like the details of the water-boarding process that the US government uses to keep us safe: Maybe I'm just WAY happier not knowing!

So while walking up and down 7th ave over the last couple of months, I've been somewhat hesitant to look too closely at restaurant windows: I've started to dread, somewhat, the impending letter-grade invasion.

Especially in the last few weeks, I've definitely noticed that the placards are starting to trickle in. It doesn't seem all that bad yet, but maybe that's because there's one unsettling factor that keeps it from seeming real: How come all the ratings I've seen are just a bunch of fucking A's!? Why isn't even the shittiest Mexican rat-hole sporting AT LEAST a goddamn B?

Well TODAY I discovered the answer, thanks to the NY Post's hard-hitting coverage of VerminGate.  (Shocking spoiler: Restaurants have accidentally been forgetting to post their shiny-new 'C' letter-grade certificates in storefront windows next to their 'Zagat-rated' plaques and take-out menus.) 

So for the sake of journalism, as much as it makes my nuts hurt to read about how the food I eat is  prepared in rodent-excrement, I just HAD to go back to my least-favorite website to see what these Park Slope fuckers have been hiding.

Here's a listing of the Park Slope results carrying the biggest WOW factor; not the ones that are necessarily the WORST, but more like unexpected twists of surprise, e.g. "WOW, "Sette" is a rat-hole?" or "DAMN, PURITY diner is getting a mutherfuckin A*??"

*Speaking of Purity diner, more on that scene after the jump...

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FRESHDIRECT DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE?

[ed note: Straight off the heels of his unsuccessful attempt to get FIPS turned into a parked porn domain, may I present the triumphant and LONG ASS awaited return of our O.G. partner-in-crime, Benjamin Leo!].

FreshDirect.com has recently developed a handy “Black Neighborhood Detection Tool” which lives on the front page of their site. Unfortunately, it also doubles as their “Service Locator,” which serves to determine areas eligible for delivery.

Simply type your zip code into the submission form, and if it locks you out of the site, congratulations: You live in a black neighborhood.

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Interview with the F-train's 4th Amendment Vigilante

"Ladies and Gentleman, I'm tryina raise money... not for no team - this for me: to keep me off the streets and outta trouble; if you care to donate, all I got left are Starburss and M&M peanut." 

When the radio silence of your F-train commute is broken by a sudden vocal outburst, the chances are you're in for a proposition like the one above. 

There is a possibility, however, that the voice you hear will instead belong to this man: he's not asking for contributions, not looking to sell DVDs, or screaming about how his life was changed by Jesus.   

He's the F-Train's 4th Amendment Vigilante, and he just wants to make sure that New Yorkers know their rights. 

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OOOOH-LA-LA BAGEL DELIGHT

Congrats to the mac daddies - the owners of this place have the best vibe in the slope. Cynics get the gas face - the new Bagel Delight is a TRIUMPH.

Salad bar, seating, observation deck...The joint looks incredible, and as of this morning, it's open for business. Click read more for the FIPS exclusive photo essay...

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