YOU "DOG ACTIVISTS" ARE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS

Okay, Park Slope Dog Mafia: You people just lost your right to EVER bitch about another Park Slope Parent again. Your behavior on FIPS yesterday was SO self-righteous, SO judgmental, SO obnoxious, that you made the average PSP-subscribing, allergy-inventing, ADD-overdiagnosing, Co-op-shift-dodging, Waitress-hounding, Blue Ribbon-ruining, whiny-uptight Park Slope Mother look like a Brownsville Rasta.

Here I was, so proud that our blog had actually helped this distressed man find his stolen dog, that I was actually stupid enough to go to our 0 Comments to seek out a little celebratory warmth. I was hoping for
the finale of Snoopy Come Home, but instead I got the Park Slope Director's Cut: You know, the one where Linus's douchebag, Ralph-Nader-voting grandparents crash the celebration and call Sally an irresponsible cunt.

Check out this heartless bastard:

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Occupy Waldbaum

At the turn of the century, I shared a tiny office with the world’s most uncomfortable Jew. We worked together as software engineers, building trading systems at a gigantic investment bank that is now extinct. So it goes.

During the long stretches of time we spent locked together in that cubicled, carpeted mine, I occasionally marveled at how neat and perfect my officemate’s appearance was. He was almost a racist caricature of a Jew and looked like he could’ve been created by Nazis in Photoshop. Mel Gibson himself wouldn’t have cast this man for fear of a PR nightmare. His nose alone could have leapt off the pages of Eichmann’s Racial Science charts.

His name was Mark Waldbaum, and he was a small man, hairy, with short stumpy fingers. He was whiny, nasal and obviously gay.

But why was he so uncomfortable?

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5 NO-HORSESHIT WAYS NYC HAS CHANGED SINCE 9/11

What a clusterfuck.

We all knew it was to be expected, but the deluge of bullshit 9/11 anniversary articles being crapped onto this city are making us long for Mohamed Atta’s direct, unsentimental approach.

“How has the world changed since 9/11?” these sterile Ivy Leaguers ask. Oooh, flying isn’t fun anymore. Great fucking journalism.

Bitch please, it’s 2011; flying isn’t fun? Try doing it with Xanax and an iPad. Flying fucking slays.

Here’s the truth:

New York has changed a bit, but it’s tough to tell what’s because of 9/11 and what’s due to a decade’s worth of our city’s natural progress. In some ways, they’re one and the same.

Between us, let’s strip away the horseshit and look at what’s really changed in NYC since 9/11/01:

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Bikers Need to Suck My Entitled Pedestrian Balls

And now, a few words about Brooklyn's most obnoxious, whiniest Minority: Bikers. Brooklyn's Bikers are so preachy, they make my relentless Jewish grandmother seem like a dead mime. Our Bikers are so whiny that they make Al Sharpton '87 look like an Asian Stuyvesant student. Come on Brooklyn, how many times have you been witness to this scene:

You're walking down sunny 7th avenue, and all of the sudden, your ears get a trebly blast of spastic white-guy rage:

"What the FUCK, man??" 

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THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD: The Murder Of Leiby Kletzky

Which X-Men mutant do I most closely resemble?

Funny you should ask; the answer is none at all! They’d need to make a new one: OFFENDAR, the man who’s physically impossible to offend.

I can laugh at EVERYTHING: my failures, my fears, my ugliness; rape jokes, aids humor, even Gilbert Gottfried making fun of the Holocaust.

But the story of Leiby Kletzky is my motherfucking kryptonite.

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