Dear F Train...

photo: venusinfurs.net

Ok, so we got a heartfelt letter from FIPS reader Meredith yesterday regarding the fact that her hatred for the F train has reached the "fire of a thousand hot burning suns" level. In Meredith's defense, she had not yet heard that the reason the F was so fucked yesterday, was because a guy had committed suicide by jumping in front of a train at the 7th Ave stop in Park Slope--which was horrible, and tragic. She's not a heartless, NYC asshole...she just didn't have the facts. Though, if you get right down to it, NO ONE on any fucking subway ANYWHERE ever has the facts because:

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Effed on the F: Superjews

Some commuters read novels, some read the New Yorker, computer manuals, highlighted textbooks, medical journals - and some sketch, dick around with their iPhones, PSPs, Treos - but not the F train Superjew!

Nope, the Superjews on the F train do one thing and one thing only:

Superjews on the F train, whether they're older men with yamakas or hot little 20-something chicks with long skirts, they all sit with hebrew texts and (?)

What are they doing? Does anyone know? You can't really google this, and I don't want to give my mom the satisfaction of letting her know I'm interested.

Here's a hint: The males, like my man pictured above, all have large books and seem to be studying silently (pop quiz with Yahweh?) - whereas females:

...all seem to have tiny books and move their lips while the read. My guess is that they're praying while the men are studying. Correct?

One other interesting point - look how none of the hebrew letters came out in the crappy cellphone pictures I snuck... It's almost like g-d is defending the holy text from my prying electronic eye.

I took "Jewish Mysticism" in College - it was Kabbalah pre-Madonna's interest. Extremely interesting stuff - really drew me more to judiasm than anything I studied for my Bar Mitzvah. Anyway, there's a passage at the beginning of one of the textbooks that always spooked me out:

This book contains divine names. Do not take it into the bathroom or any other unclean place.

Ah Jesus, look at my pics - there's no text on the books! It was right there, I swear. It's like the movie The Ring - all that shows up in my photos is a ball of glowing light. Kinda scary!

Maybe I shouldn't post this at all. Ok, I'll post it- but if Yahweh leaves a comment I'm definitely taking it down.

Shabbat Shalom!

Effed on The F: Sick Passengers Should Blow Me

I was on the fucking F train for ONE hour this morning. We sat at Jay Street for literally 20 minutes because of a sick passenger

What the hell does this even mean?

I'm being serious as a heart attack: From a physical, logistical standpoint, how does a sick passenger cause a train to sit in a station for twenty minutes?

Dramatization:

Concerned Passenger #1: Oh my god, that woman looks terrible!

Concerned Passenger #2: Oh god, she's fainting! Give her air!

(Chorus of Gasps)

Concerned Passenger #1: Let's get her off the train and call an abmulence!"

Dr. House: Touch her and I'll break your arm. Nobody move this woman from her fucking seat.

Concerned Passenger #2: What?

Dr. House: Sorry, this isn't Biology class- I don't have time to explain the difference between your ass and your elbow. Somebody get me a paper clip.

Dr. House's Good Looking Blonde Austrailian Resident Guy: In the moments immediately following a fainting spell, a patient is at a heightened susceptibility for complications such as stroke or aneurysm. These conditions are often prevented by a static environment: any shift to the patient's surroundings - change in air density, aural ambience, or even movement itself – and the susceptibility increases tenfold.

Dr. House: Nice job professor, now if you’re done with the lesson, get me some lipstick and a trapper-keeper: STAT.

Or what? So if you’re sick, I feel bad for you, but can’t you get off the fucking train and be sick in the station or outside in the ambulance? Is the train really that comfortable?

This I’d be able to understand:

"Ladies and Gentleman we are delayed in the station due to a passenger whose forearm is caught under the train’s wheel – as soon as she is pried out and brought to safety we shall proceed."

But sick?

Hook us up please – when you’re sick, get off the train, go puke in the station, and when it happens to me, I’ll do the same.

Have a nice weekend!