LOCO FOR LOKO: BROOKLYN ASSEMBLYMAN GETS SHITFACED FOR SCIENCE

There's nothing gayer than being "into" local Brooklyn politics: For those of you who have never had the pleasure of attending a Brooklyn PTA meeting, one of the most annoying parts about them (which is like saying "one of the worst parts of cancer") is having these PTA jerkoffs standing around name-dropping Z-list "borough celebrities" and diddling each others' self-importance clits while keeping their arms folded and their heads a'nod.

So granted, while there's nothing gayer than being "into" local Brooklyn politics, even *I* had to learn a Brooklyn Assemblyman's name after he performed this heroically ridiculous stunt in the name of lawmaking:

Here's Assemblyman FELIX ORTIZ (a local rising star and a name to watch out for) downing 2.5 cans of Four Loko before puking and shitting his pants in front of a scruffy "doctor" and hot milfy "newswoman."

The ONLY way that I could possibly give Ortiz more props is if he had simultaneously decided to test the Health Department's statistics on STDs in the Latin American community by mounting the blonde newswoman and entering her without protection.

It'd be a sacrifice, sure, but I'm sure a public servant like Ortiz would be willing to do almost ANYTHING for the sake of the community. 

Fave part of the video -- better than watching Ortiz down that putrid shit or try to walk a straight line afterwards -- is at 2:02 when the American doctor pronounces GUARANA with a Spanish accent like some douchebag language-studies major saying "en-chee-LA-tha" to the guy behind the counter at Uncle Moe's. 

It's so awesome that Ortiz would do this. I will vote for him in every election for the rest of my life to keep him in office forever like King George, even though I don't know if that's possible because I don't know if "Assemblymen" have term limits or even what they do. 

I feel fine about this guy being in office FOREVER, regardless of his policies. Who cares what he thinks about the issues anyway? Nothing he could ever do could POSSIBLY affect a single human life.