Time Warner Sucks A Dick: It's ON!

Ok, bitches: its time to stop being polite and start getting real.

All weekend long, our internet has been out. So that's like going on SIX DAYS now. It was Thanksgiving weekend, and my ass was stuck at home. There's only so much fucking leftover and stuffing one can eat before feelin' the itch to watch Youtube videos about cats or download porn, know what I'm sayin? Unfortch, that was not an option.

Ok, so let's play: guess who our cable provider is!???

I'll give you 3 hints:

1. They suck a gigantic hairy dick.

2. They are universally hated by every man, woman and child in the NYC metropolitan area.

3. In an informal poll (i.e. Twitter bitching) their customer service has been rated most "FUCKED UP, HORRIBLE, HORRENDOUS, RIDONKULOUS" out of all of corporate America.

Yep, you guessed it! TIME MOTHERFUCKING WARNER!

They're giving us some bullshit about an "outage" causing our issues in N. Park Slope, but outages last a few hours, people...NOT SIX DAYS.

So, in celebration of our (almost) week long internet outage, I'd like to initiate a week long celebration of all the many, many, many, many ways in which Time Warner sux!

• If you are a BK/NYC blogger, I encourage you to blog about your own shitty experiences with Time Warner and share with the world your feelings about why you hope all TW employees get the H1N1 virus (email your posts to me, people! I will link to them on my blog! effedinparkslope at gmail dot com).
• If you are on Twitter, use the hashtag #timewarnersux to share some juicy TW rants with us all (@effedparkslope in your Tweet and I will retweet!).
• Leave your comments below. And don't hold back, bitches...you are in a safe place here.

We're comin after you Time Warner...and its not gonna be pretty.

Pavillion Movie Theater to Park Slope: 'THERE ARE NO FUCKING BEDBUGS HERE, BITCHES'

Ok, so that's not *exactly* a direct quote, but the sentiment is there.

Gothamist published a follow-up to the recent controversh on Brooklynian, which claimed that there was a "giant bedbug problem" at the Pavillion. We piped up about the whole thing as well, though mostly to just say: OMGOMGOMG, is this true?

Well, Gothamist actually has people who fact check shit and get quotes, so they got in touch with the Pavillion's General Manager who had this to say about the bedbug claims: "That is innacurate information, we do not have a bedbug problem."

Ok, so fine...I guess the choice is yours people.

UNLESS, of course, the Pavillion wants to invite over a group of bitter Brooklynian posters and some bitchy FIPSers, along with a 3rd party impartial exterminator of our choice for, oh I don't know, a free movie and black light investigation? Cause that would kinda rule.

You Know Who's *REALLY* Fucked in Park Slope? Anyone Who Works In A Restaurant Here

Apparently things are so jacked in our nabe, the NYS Department of Labor conducted a special investigation of 25 restaurants and coffee shops along 5th and 7th aves, and here's what they found: 23 of the restaurants were commiting "wage theft" and majorly fucking over their employees.

"In the vibrant Park Slope neighborhood, filled with writers, activists and growing families, we found that many of the bustling restaurants were staffed by workers who were paid grossly illegal wages." said Commissioner Smith. "This investigation shows that wage theft happens not only in dimly-lit factories or grim depressed neighborhoods--it happens everywhere. Even our very nicest neighborhoods sometimes have sweatshops on their main streets."

They go on to say:

"in total, 207 workers were underpaid more than $910,000. Some of the worst violations were for delivery employees working 60 to 70 hours per week and paid a salary of $210.00 to $275.00 per week. At one restaurant, workers were paid as little as $2.75 per hour."

Daym.

Needless to say, I'm curious as hell about which restaurants were included in this study (particularly the two that were actually in compliance).

In the meantime, I think this is a good opp to remind everyone to tip long and tip hard...this ain't Europe, people. When that delivery dude is biking his ass through the rain/sleet/snow to bring you your fucking spicy tuna and shrimp tempura rolls, he's expecting more than a $1 spot.

Also, Park Slope restaurants: WTF?!

Are There Bedbugs Living In Those Crappy, Dirty, Purple Seats at the Pavillion?

Fuck, now I gotta choose between getting shot at Court Street or getting bedbugs at the Pavillion!?

From brooklynpotter on Brooklynian:

"One of my board members told me that there's a giant bedbug problem at the Pavillion--another reason not to go..."

Look people, I've got no idea if this shit is true or not. Gawd knows Brooklynians whine about all sorts of bullshit, and there ain't no telling what's for real and what's not.  But since getting bedbugs is currently the single thing I am *most* afraid of in this world (followed by: falling down the subway steps in front of a thousand people, getting pushed into a moving subway as someone tries to pass by me too closely, pigeons and clowns), I'm gonna be taking this pretty fuckin seriously.

Back to Regal Battery Park it is.

Blognigger Doesn't Like The Court Street Movie Theater Either

Ok, so this little gem was dropped into the comments of my original I Will Never Go Back to Court Street Movie Theater post, but I thought it was worth highlighting becuase, duh, it's BN.

Here's what the OG Brooklyn blogger had to say:

Attention White People:

(I can safely address you this way, since stuck-up White MFA
candidates from the University of Iowa and analogue institutions are the only folks remaining who would call Erica's Court Street Theater post "RACIST")

Attention White People:

I'm delighted to inform you that if you've declared Erica a RACIST based on the description of her Court Street Theater experience, you've just fallen into one of the oldest traps in the book.

Yep, I gotcha like Tawana Brawley's mother on a polygraph: the only person guilty of "racism" in this situation is YOU.

See, you have associated the people who brought a baby to a late night movie, screamed, and threatened violence... with Black people.

Erica must be afraid of black people, because she's afraid of these psychopaths -- and according to you, these psychopaths = black people.

Think Erica is afraid of me or my kids or the president of the Unites States? Ok so, she's NOT afraid of black people now?

Look: We all know that the only ones who would act this way at a late night Court Street movie theater are black. But to say that all black people would behave this way at a movie theater is racist- and that's the logical result of your assertion that Erica's fear of these people equates to a fear or dislike of black people.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't be caught DEAD at Court Street cinema at night because I got a family and I don't want to risk getting shot in a cross fire by niggers.

This is Brooklyn, and that's their turf.

I wouldn't be caught dead at the Puerto Rican day parade, because violence happens there, and I don't want to risk getting stomped by Puerto Rican niggers.

That's their turf.

I wouldn't be caught dead at some rodeo NASCAR redneck bullfight-ass cowboy shit because those white people get violent when they see blacks and Jews, and I'm both. I got a family and I don't want to risk getting lynched by white niggers.

That's their turf.

Attention White People: Niggers come in all colors; America enjoys a rainbow of niggerhood.

Don't front like you're not scared of niggers - it makes you sound stupid.

But yo - when you say all black people are niggers?

Damn, Ms Brawley; you're just being racist.

[for more information, please see: Williamsburg bar NO BLACKS ALLOWED]

I Will Never Go To The Court Street Movie Theater Again

I just returned from the 6:05pm showing of Paranormal Activity at the UA Court Street Stadium 12 movie theater...and I've never been so scared in my entire life.

And though Paranormal Activity was rad, and totally freaky, and a must-see, the fact that I was so insanely scared out of my mind had fuck all to do with the movie, and everything to do with the people in the movie theater.

Click to read more ...

HANCO’S: YOUR VAGINA SMELLS

I had no mixed feelings about Tea Lounge on 7th Ave.: I danced on its grave (emotionally, anyway). The laptop losers hogged every square inch of usable furniture; the place was always a mess; and the service was, well—one time a disgruntled employee basically chucked my bagel at me because another customer had been unpleasant to deal with.

But wouldn’t you be if you walked in expecting a nice, relaxing cup of India’s finest, and instead were squeezed into a spot on a couch (spring shooting up and scratching the taint), trying to sip your chai latte while wedged between a breast feeder and some 40-something dude--likely her husband--browsing sections of Craigslist you didn’t ever want to know existed? Face it: Tea Lounge was a boil on the ass of South Slope.

So I was excited to see the arrival of Vietnamese sandwich joint Hanco’s. But I must say, while the food tasted ok, the front entry (Get it? The vagina?) of the store has always smelled like a strange mix of pork and poo. All. The. Time. Even at night, when the place is closed, I smell pork poo as I pass by.

I have no idea what’s going on by your backside, but Hanco’s, your main entryway soon could be attracting seagulls.

Say what you will about the Henry’s-Hanco’s dispute (sort of like the East Coast-West Coast hip-hop feud, only with baguettes), which supposedly involves turf warfare and recipe theft; I haven’t tried Henry’s yet. But I have walked by, and the front of the store smells just like it should, not like pork poo.

Who do you think wins the battle of the banh mi?

Only one sandwich in, I vote for the one whose vagina smells cleaner.

Be nice to Eric, and buy his book First Big Crush: The Down and Dirty on Making Great Wine Down Under. You know you wanna.

BREAKING: Everyone *Still* Hates The Shit Out of the Park Slope Post Office

Alicia!? Was that you??

If not, I sincerely hope that this Vigilante Chalker is a member of the FIPS community.

WE SALUTE YOU, BRAVE CITIZEN!

(@DimaM via Gothamist)

You Know How Everyone Hates The Shit Out of the Park Slope Post Office?

Right, well now they might close it.

Be careful what you wish for, bitches.

(via NYDN)

Prospect Park or City Dump? You Decide

photo: OpossumQueen

On Sunday eve around 6:30pm, Greg and I took Oliver for a walk in Prospect Park. We ended up sitting on a bench in the main meadow area, and decided to people watch for a few minutes.

Needless to say, there were a SHITLOAD of people to actually watch. Scads of folks kept walking by, seemingly on their way to some mysterious BBQ (in fact I was inspired to send this Tweet).

I had no fucking clue what was going on until the next day when I got my scoop from, where else, Brooklynian.

Click to read more ...