Doomed Burger Joint Built on Indian Burial Ground

As if you couldn't recognize this place from the photo, this is the shapeshifting burger place on the corner of 9th street and 7th ave. I was walking back from getting raped by Bank of America ATM fees, when I noticed that the awning had changed again.

What is it with this shithole that none of its slightly-different flavors can keep their doors open for more than 6 months?

First there was a mysterious closure, then big health department signs, then a few shifts of the awning without any closures at all - what the fuck!?

Now, I've made it a point to personally sample every single one of the doomed instantiations - and with the exception of 'Bar Minnow' - which really was a kick-ass bistro, this place is always exactly the same: Mediocre burgers, and shitty fries that look awesome but taste like they've been cooked in elementary school cafeteria grease from the 80's.

The food isn't what kills it though - the hallmark of the restaurants in this spot is always the same: really really shitty service. Makes Dizzy's look like Lutèce. Each time I eat at one of these restaurants the same exact situation unfolds: I end up getting stressed when the hot teen waitress abandons me either while:

* I'm trying to order for my bratty kids (miss, sorry sorry - we're not done yet - miss? (wait a sec- why the fuck am I apologizing!? ))

* We're waiting for the food

* We're waiting for the one-more-thing check-in (e.g. this is great thanks, sorry, we're still waiting for that ketchup? thank you so much! sorry!)

* Waiting to get the little-too-expensive bill.

...and each time the waitress abandonment takes place I look around and think to myself where is the manager? No, fuck that, where is the owner? Is he independently wealthy? Does he WANT to succeed? I mean, if I was ballsy and psycho enough to open the same exact restaurant in a place that KEEPS failing, I'd be watching 24/7 to make sure shit was running smooth. I'd have a 3 day staff training in Cabo to make sure that my hot little waitresses never treated my precious customers like jerkoffs.

Haven't been to the new "Flipsters" yet, but I will go soon, for the good of science.

Anyone got more info?

Curbed Commenter #19 Destroys F.I.P.S.

Last night at 10:57, Curbed Commenter #19 launched the destructive blow that would end the careers of three aspiring wannabe bloggers.

Stupid. Some day they will wake up old and realize they contributed nothing of any use to society or even themselves.
boring snoooooooze

Comment #19, left at 11/25/08 10:57 PM.

Upon reading the prescient analysis, Erica, Greg, and Ben decided to hang up their hats and shut down site operations after only 3 days of FuckedInParkSlope.com's existence.

It's been a fun ride - thanks everyone!

Heroic Lesbian Confronts Smoker

It's no secret that lesbians have been disappearing from Park Slope. Sure, we've still got more than places like the Upper East Side or Rolling Fork, Missippi – but Park Slope just isn't the Lesbionic haven it used to be. This really sucks, as on the whole, I far prefer the average lesbian to the average wall street douchebag that has taken her place.

This weekend in front of PS 321 however, I witnessed an encounter that whisked me right back to the glory days of 1993.

This Brooklyn Industries-clad Newlywed-type was standing outside the 321 fleemarket, passing the time by looking at crappy candlesticks and shit. She was smoking a cigarette. At the same time, this very large lonely-looking lesbian was standing nearby, browsing through a bunch of crappy paperbacks.

Noticing the Newlywed's cigarette, the lesbian looked up and said "Oh, you've got to stop smoking honey, it's just so bad for you - it's such an awful habit."

I was SO psyched, as I love watching as Park Slopers who try shit that would have worked in 1993 get summarily rejected and embarrassed. To my shock however, the Brooklyn Industries woman started shaking her head sheepishly - just like in the nineties!!

"Oh, I know, you're so right, I'm really trying, it's just so hard..." she asskissed.

Fuck that shit! I don't smoke - I can't afford it and I got kids - but damn girl! The two answers I would have liked to see are:

a) "Mind your fuckin business, DYKE."

...but the real wet dream answer would have been:

b) "You know, it's much more dangerous to be FAT, and you are just really FAT. It's terrible for your health and leads to heart disease and oh by the way - it kills you much faster than smoking does! Maybe you should take up smoking, and lose some weight! By the way - even though it's true that you burn some calories by flapping your fat mouth in the wind and giving advice to strangers, you actually risk shortening your life significantly by tempting someone like me to put my entire foot up your revolting pock-marked ass."

Anyway, she shook her head like a pussy, just like they used to do, and kissed this big fat lesbian's ass.

Listen - it's one thing if it was some bullshit second-hand smoke argument, which I also don't buy, but then at least you've got some kind of realistic and authentic gripe. Instead, the idea that the lesbian was just "looking out" for Brooklyn Industry's health is just patronizing and moronic. If that's her argument, then it should be no less offensive for someone to warn the fat woman that her health is being put at risk by her immense size and stench.

Why is it socially acceptable to butt-in and comment on one dirty, life-threatening habit but not the other? From now on I'm the concerned citizen in charge of obesity: Excuse me, miss? You're enormous. That shit is dangerous- cut down or have the surgery. thx.

How bout we all shut up, ok? Everybody just pretend we're in New York, and mind their own fucking business. I'm goin' outside for a camel AND a donut.