Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.
BALLER:
Moms in the workplace get mad perks, allowances, "passes," and post Obama type freedoms that those of us with our uteri in tact do NOT enjoy.
"pslope non mom" is totally, 1000% fucking right and anyone who fights me on this is either:
*a liar
*an idiot
*a combination of the two
Period.
Now, let me lay out the facts: I currently work at a company that would definitely be considered more "sensitive" and life/balance forward thinking than most. However, throughout my life, I have worked in a variety of different workplace type shituations ranging from a large, scary behomoth of a corporate entity (what up Conde Nast!) to a small, poorly run internet start-up that focused more energy on their employee snack food options than our profit margins.
In every single solitary company on my two page resume (none of which are Earth shoe factories, by the way; nice one AnnaZed), mommyhood was the equivalent of winning the fucking lottery.
"OH, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to run out 15 minutes early because little Bronx Mowgli has a soccer game tonight! Finish up without me, OK?"
"Hi, this is [insert MILF name here]. I'm sorry, but I can't make it in today because my little Suri Suri Sur-pot has the sniffles and I have to take her to the doctor. Good luck on your two hour presentation! Call me if you need me!"
"Yikes, I'm sorry. I know you all have to work this weekend to finish up that proposal, but Gucci Hermes Lexus has her brownie troop comin over, so I'm gonna have to bail on that. I'll catch up with you guys next week."
3 months on the couch eatin bon bons maternity leave so you can bond with your bebe? No problemo!
Extra health insurance benefits and allowances? Sure!
All served up with a side of government tax breaks and a heaping helping of "its ok if you're fat cause you're a mom and that's beautiful."
Well, I say, fuck all y'all.
You made a CHOICE to be a mom, and I made a choice to be a BALLER. But, I don't expect your ass to allow me an extra fifteen to get home so I can take my fucking cat to the fucking feline acupuncturist. Even though my cat has an ongoing health issue that requires his hairy ass to get treatment 3 times a month at a place that's only open from 12-3pm. NOPE, that's my fucking problem.
YOU get to "work from home" three days a week, while I'm stuck in this stupid fucking chair, at my stupid fucking desk (probably finishing YOUR stupid fucking proposal).
And if there is one thing that I can be absolutely assured of...that I can LITERALLY fucking guarantee: you'll have another fresh excuse for something else that you need to avoid/cancel/pass off tomorrow (AND no one will notice).
mommyhood = quite a perk, indeed.
BREEDER:
Baller, take my advice: You seriously want to save what you just wrote up there, keep it in a safe place, and look at it again in 20 years so you can remember when you were acting like the psychotic Louis Farrakhan of angry, childless dykes.
Baller. baller. dude. shhhh; they're moms. What happened to you that you are so disturbingly enraged? It's such a dark place to be, to be whining nonstop about someone having something that you want.
Okay, some mothers, at workplaces like yours, might get a little lenience here and there - a little time to be with their kids - but why would you ever begrudge them that? They also have to get up 10 times in the middle of the night, while you get to operate on a full night's sleep. Fair? Don't make me say it: L*fe isn't fair.
The most intriguing thing about your rant is that I'm sure it conflicts with and exposes inconsistencies in your otherwise liberal worldview. As someone who lives in Park Slope, I'm betting you believe in Universal Health Care, right? Here's an interesting psychological question for you: what exactly do you think is preventing you from applying these socialist tendencies to the mom situation?
I mean, traditionally, someone who believes in Universal Health Care and other strong social benefits would tend to also support an understanding workplace that tolerates a mother's dual role in society. Or would you go back on that now, and say that if some can't afford health care, it's because of the CHOICE they made to be an artist or a freelancer, or some occupation which doesn't normally provide health care?
Well, we both know you'd lose your co-op membership for suggesting an idea like that, so then, why is it ok to support this socially progressive movement but deny the rights of mothers to have special allowances for their childcare needs?
Each according to their needs, right Kruschev? Or is that only when it's convenient for you?
Are you against poor women, who can't afford to be stay-at-home mom's, being allowed to have children? Or jobs? No? Then you need to support society's accommodation of their needs so that they can remain in the workplace.
Alright, it's getting late; I'm sure you should be running off to a veteran's hospital to stand outside and protest the fact that they get free health care and you don't. Why should they get free health care? They CHOSE to join the army for the Iraq war right? Why should they get special benefits just because they made a certain CHOICE?
Don't you want those benefits too? Shouldn't it be even-steven? Speak up!
Erica | 
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