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Sunday
Dec072008

Parents Acting Like Jerkoffs #1: F-Train Near Bergen


That's it - hold your kid on your shoulders so that his hair and hands bathe in the Hepatitis B that infests the subway ceiling. When the train stops and he breaks his face, make sure you sue the city.

Even the little underprivileged kid in the subway ad behind you thinks you're a douche.

Jerkoff.

Friday
Dec052008

Effed on The F: Sick Passengers Should Blow Me


I was on the fucking F train for ONE hour this morning. We sat at Jay Street for literally 20 minutes because of a sick passenger

What the hell does this even mean?

I'm being serious as a heart attack: From a physical, logistical standpoint, how does a sick passenger cause a train to sit in a station for twenty minutes?

Dramatization:

Concerned Passenger #1: Oh my god, that woman looks terrible!

Concerned Passenger #2: Oh god, she's fainting! Give her air!

(Chorus of Gasps)

Concerned Passenger #1: Let's get her off the train and call an abmulence!"

Dr. House: Touch her and I'll break your arm. Nobody move this woman from her fucking seat.

Concerned Passenger #2: What?

Dr. House: Sorry, this isn't Biology class- I don't have time to explain the difference between your ass and your elbow. Somebody get me a paper clip.

Dr. House's Good Looking Blonde Austrailian Resident Guy: In the moments immediately following a fainting spell, a patient is at a heightened susceptibility for complications such as stroke or aneurysm. These conditions are often prevented by a static environment: any shift to the patient's surroundings - change in air density, aural ambience, or even movement itself – and the susceptibility increases tenfold.

Dr. House: Nice job professor, now if you’re done with the lesson, get me some lipstick and a trapper-keeper: STAT.

Or what? So if you’re sick, I feel bad for you, but can’t you get off the fucking train and be sick in the station or outside in the ambulance? Is the train really that comfortable?

This I’d be able to understand:

"Ladies and Gentleman we are delayed in the station due to a passenger whose forearm is caught under the train’s wheel – as soon as she is pried out and brought to safety we shall proceed."

But sick?

Hook us up please – when you’re sick, get off the train, go puke in the station, and when it happens to me, I’ll do the same.

Have a nice weekend!

Friday
Dec052008

9 Questions: Danny the Commenter


9 Questions is our new semi-regular column in which attempt to get to the heart of someone's down-n-dirty "Brooklyn-ness," (or lack thereof), with the same nine simple questions.

Meet Danny: our first official superstar FIPS commenter.

Here's why we like Danny:
*he speaks his mind
*he's not afraid to step to it and say what's what
*so far, he seems to dig pretty much everything we write

If this blog was a person...and Danny were single and ready to mingle, let's just say that we probably would have asked him out on a date already.

9 Questions

Name: Daniel Hall
Age:28
Job: Destroyer of dreams and lowerer of your expectations(no, not a guidance counseler)

1. Describe Park Slope in 5 words:
Former east coast lesbian capitol.

2. Why do you live in Brooklyn?

Not a slope rez but a native Caroll Gardens resident who hangs out in the slope. Why I can't leave: I love a place that combines new gentrified culture with reggae tone blowing out the speakers of a Honda, that the owner treats like he's rolling in a Benz.

3. Which subway line do you frequent most? On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being "I hate it with the fire of a thousand hot burning suns" and 1 being "its the best thing that's ever happened to me since the first time I got laid" how would you rate said subway line?
I roll with the F-line , appropriately named because it's fucked--but not as fucked as having to ride the 4 or 5 during rush hour. Mornings I'd give it a 7, other times I'd give it a 3.

4. Ever have any NY celeb run ins?

I stood next to comedian Jim Norton at a Motor Head show and was awestruck. I passed David Bowie in the street on my to work one day, that was like passing the Pope. My best celebrity moment was standing on the corner of Prince and Broadway next to Jason Bateman and his wife, when out of nowhere some little kid lifted his short leg up to reveal his little unit and began peeing in the middle of the cross walk while his parents laughed like it was the cutest thing. Mr Bateman and I both had the same look of "what the fuck! Is that kid really peeing in front of us and what kind of fucking social norm terrorist are these parents?"

5. Favorite Blog (aside from ours, duh)?
Besides you guys, Blognigger. That man is saving us all from taking ourselves way too seriously (and from accepting mediocrity).

6. Hunan Delight or Red Hot?

Neither, Long Tan! (ed note: Oh, Snap!)

7. If Park Slope were a tasty cocktail, which tasty cocktail would it be and why?
I drink beer and whiskey and occasionally rioja wine, so I really can't compare Park Slope to any cocktail in particular. Though if pushed I would say a Bombay Sapphire martini, cause of the whole myriad and variety of weird shit I will see after two of those is analogous to the myriad of cool (but sometimes weird) shit that I see and find is the norm in Park Slope. Besides, who wants to live with knowing that their neighborhood has now been compared to some alchemical, alcoholic contraption that a date rapist is trying to load up his next victim on.

8. Are you a:
yuppie?
hippie?
Wall street asshole?
vegan?
Lovocore?
Communist?
Parent?
Medical Marijuana advocate?

None of the above. Why is it such a Brooklyn past time to fit someone into one of these boxes and then tool on them? I try to be a limousine ridin', jet flying, kiss stealin', wheelin'dealin', no good son of a gun, just like the nature boy Ric Flair.

9. Will you be our friend?

Sure I'll be your friend. So listen, now that we're buddies.... you think you can spot me a twenty till' friday? Cause that's what friends are for (ed note: slow down there dude...this might be moving a little too fast fer us).

Friday
Dec052008

'Brooklyn Go Hard': Introducing Our (V. Obvs) Choice For BK's Official New F.I.P.S. Endorsed Anthem

Kanye West produced this kick ass Jay-Z track (featuring Santogold) for Biggie's soon-to-be-released biopic (and my soon-to-be obsession) Notorious.

A. I can't stop listening to it.
B. How fucking cool is this vid? (sidenote: This is the first rap video with open source code).
B. As much as I love the Beastie Boys, I'm totally psyched to have a song that can *finally* (maybe?) kick "No Sleep Till Brooklyn's" ass.

You likey?

Friday
Dec052008

SILTH: It's On*


*Spotted in my Park Slope Twitter feed (and yes, fyi: SILTH is happening).

Follow Jawnita on Twitter for more rad updates...she's cool like that.