Uhm, Why Doesn't Park Slope Have One of These???

Pass The Dutchie on the Left Hand Side

If you think that the teens of Park Slope are the only bitches sneaking into Prospect Park to toke up, think again. Introducing: Marijuana Mamas!

According to MomLogic.com:

A new wave of reefer madness is sweeping suburbia -- but it's not just teenagers who are lighting up. Middle-aged, middle-class soccer moms are smoking pot ... a lot. These women aren't stoners: they're teachers, lawyers, and, perhaps, even your neighbor who prefers puffing a joint to sipping chardonnay.

I don't know...I sort of don't believe it. Unless, of course you can get weed at the Food Coop [OMG, can you?????]

BREAKING: Marketing Genius is in for Some Serious Poon

Oh my G0D, I'm gonna have a fucking panic attack.

Did you see this guy's Craigslist Ad?

This guy is a total fucking genius - talk about hitting your target audience. Let me break out the keystroke loggers and hidden cams, cause I just know he's gonna end up banging my wife.

Check this shit out:

Are you home all day, bored and devoid of sexual excitement and pleasure?

Uh, what park slope mom isn't?!?!

Is is your husband working all day and doesn't desire you when he comes home?

Please; you don't know the half of it! Not only do I come home exhausted - I can't even get it up under normal circumstances! I'm a totally flaccid software project manager, about 15 years past my sexual prime, AND doped up on anti-depressants: My manhood is essentially a wrinkled, shriveled acorn.

Are you taking care of your children all day and want someone to kiss, lick and caress your special spots?

Holy christ that's a low blow - he brings the kids into it you FUCK. Why not just mention how she has to pick up my dry cleaning while you're at it? And what is my kid supposed to do while you're banging his mom, you sick fuck?! Watch Dora?

I am not looking for any drama or to wreck an marriages just equal sexual satisfaction with an emphasis on pleasure...I am a 6'3 athletic male living in Park Slope. I am a successful and cultured.

Oh great, he's gorgeous AND rational. Fuck it, I'm going for a pre-emptive happy-ending massage. I am SO getting back at that lying, cheating bitch.

BREEDER vs. BALLER: Why Do Mom's Get Special Fucking Privileges in the Workplace?

Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.

BALLER:

Moms in the workplace get mad perks, allowances, "passes," and post Obama type freedoms that those of us with our uteri in tact do NOT enjoy.

"pslope non mom" is totally, 1000% fucking right and anyone who fights me on this is either:

*a liar
*an idiot
*a combination of the two

Period.

Now, let me lay out the facts: I currently work at a company that would definitely be considered more "sensitive" and life/balance forward thinking than most. However, throughout my life, I have worked in a variety of different workplace type shituations ranging from a large, scary behomoth of a corporate entity (what up Conde Nast!) to a small, poorly run internet start-up that focused more energy on their employee snack food options than our profit margins.

In every single solitary company on my two page resume (none of which are Earth shoe factories, by the way; nice one AnnaZed), mommyhood was the equivalent of winning the fucking lottery.

"OH, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to run out 15 minutes early because little Bronx Mowgli has a soccer game tonight! Finish up without me, OK?"

"Hi, this is [insert MILF name here]. I'm sorry, but I can't make it in today because my little Suri Suri Sur-pot has the sniffles and I have to take her to the doctor. Good luck on your two hour presentation! Call me if you need me!"

"Yikes, I'm sorry. I know you all have to work this weekend to finish up that proposal, but Gucci Hermes Lexus has her brownie troop comin over, so I'm gonna have to bail on that. I'll catch up with you guys next week."

3 months on the couch eatin bon bons maternity leave so you can bond with your bebe? No problemo!

Extra health insurance benefits and allowances? Sure!

All served up with a side of government tax breaks and a heaping helping of "its ok if you're fat cause you're a mom and that's beautiful."

Well, I say, fuck all y'all.

You made a CHOICE to be a mom, and I made a choice to be a BALLER. But, I don't expect your ass to allow me an extra fifteen to get home so I can take my fucking cat to the fucking feline acupuncturist. Even though my cat has an ongoing health issue that requires his hairy ass to get treatment 3 times a month at a place that's only open from 12-3pm. NOPE, that's my fucking problem.

YOU get to "work from home" three days a week, while I'm stuck in this stupid fucking chair, at my stupid fucking desk (probably finishing YOUR stupid fucking proposal).

And if there is one thing that I can be absolutely assured of...that I can LITERALLY fucking guarantee: you'll have another fresh excuse for something else that you need to avoid/cancel/pass off tomorrow (AND no one will notice).

mommyhood = quite a perk, indeed.

BREEDER:
Baller, take my advice: You seriously want to save what you just wrote up there, keep it in a safe place, and look at it again in 20 years so you can remember when you were acting like the psychotic Louis Farrakhan of angry, childless dykes.

Baller. baller. dude. shhhh; they're moms. What happened to you that you are so disturbingly enraged? It's such a dark place to be, to be whining nonstop about someone having something that you want.

Okay, some mothers, at workplaces like yours, might get a little lenience here and there - a little time to be with their kids - but why would you ever begrudge them that? They also have to get up 10 times in the middle of the night, while you get to operate on a full night's sleep. Fair? Don't make me say it: L*fe isn't fair.

The most intriguing thing about your rant is that I'm sure it conflicts with and exposes inconsistencies in your otherwise liberal worldview. As someone who lives in Park Slope, I'm betting you believe in Universal Health Care, right? Here's an interesting psychological question for you: what exactly do you think is preventing you from applying these socialist tendencies to the mom situation?

I mean, traditionally, someone who believes in Universal Health Care and other strong social benefits would tend to also support an understanding workplace that tolerates a mother's dual role in society. Or would you go back on that now, and say that if some can't afford health care, it's because of the CHOICE they made to be an artist or a freelancer, or some occupation which doesn't normally provide health care?

Well, we both know you'd lose your co-op membership for suggesting an idea like that, so then, why is it ok to support this socially progressive movement but deny the rights of mothers to have special allowances for their childcare needs?

Each according to their needs, right Kruschev? Or is that only when it's convenient for you?

Are you against poor women, who can't afford to be stay-at-home mom's, being allowed to have children? Or jobs? No? Then you need to support society's accommodation of their needs so that they can remain in the workplace.

Alright, it's getting late; I'm sure you should be running off to a veteran's hospital to stand outside and protest the fact that they get free health care and you don't. Why should they get free health care? They CHOSE to join the army for the Iraq war right? Why should they get special benefits just because they made a certain CHOICE?

Don't you want those benefits too? Shouldn't it be even-steven? Speak up!

GUEST POST: Ask BN: Do Stay-at-Home Moms Really Work That Hard?

We have a real special treat today - I'm honored to present you with a FIPS exclusive – a charitably donated blogwarming gift: the brand spanking new column by the greatest blogger in the world, Park Slope's own Blognigger!

---

Astute reader Carls Jr. writes:

Date: Wed, Jun 18, 2008 at 12:25 AM
Subject: Stay at home bitching
To: Blognigger

yo bn

wanted to get your take on this - I'm a restaurant manager who works nights and has to sleep during the day. For the most part my wife is really cool about it. She gets up with the baby and lets me sleep and so on. Our older kid is 6 and in school so he's not an issue during the day.

The main problem is though, she bitches non fuckin stop about how hard her life is, and that I don't understand how hard it is to be a stay at home mom. And the crazy thing is she starts the arguments!!! I work 65 hours a week and make 100% of our income and I never mention the fact that she's not making any money, instead I treat her like a queen, but instead, SHE bitches at ME. The woman can not shut up about how hard her life is.

The funny thing is, there are times during the day when she needs to go out and I watch our son for hours at a time. Every time I do it I think to myself.....It's just not that hard!! Sure there's the occasional diaper explosion or screaming tantrum, but I swear on my life I don't see what the big fucking deal is. When he sleeps I can fuckin SLEEP or scratch my nuts or watch the wire dvds --- try doing that at a real job!! I wish that she could try managing a staff of 15 mexicans and at the same time dealing with phone calls from the owner and 5 customers having a meltdown over there missing appetizers...... I think it would put into perspective exactly how tough her work situation is.

How do you deal with these issues from your woman - I know she's home with the kids too, right? Granted I know you've got two kids so it might be rougher on your bird, but what's your take- is it really that fucking hard to be a stay at home mom??

--snip--

Peace bn,
Carls Jr.

What up, Carls-

Fantastic question! Sorry I let it rot in my inbox for 5 months, but such is the prerogative of a mostly-black male living under the Obama Administration-Elect: I can do WHATEVER I WANT all the time with zero accountability. Hopefully you're not already divorced, and I've still got a shot at helping you out here.

The answer to your question is that it depends on a bunch of factors- For example, as far as net difficulty of daily tasks is concerned, there's a huge difference between:

• an upper-east-side mink jewess who stays at home with her full-time nanny and takes breaks from her craigslist casual-encounters surfing to teach her kid which president's face appear on which dollar bills.

-AND-

• some poor jewish woman with 10 kids in crown heights who is gonna get face-slapped if Moishe gets home and one of the male children hasn't finished his chicken-liver or has accidentally touched a female human.

In your case specifically though, it's easier to assess because your wife is a lazy whore.

Totally kidding! I hardly know anything about you guys! Therefore, let's assume the "stay-at-home mom" in question is a married woman with two kids, no nanny, and a housekeeper that comes once every two weeks.

Now right off the bat: while I too get pissed off at my wife's insistence that she performs brain surgery while my office colleagues and I masturbate to internet porn, I've got to say that I've spotted a crucial flaw in your logic:

> The funny thing is, there are times during the day when she needs to go out and I watch our son for hours at a time.

Stop right there - that's unscientific. You can't just take what they do 24/7, do it for a few hours, and then be like "yo that shit's easy." That's like saying you could handle Ramadan just cause it's almost 3pm and you haven't eaten since breakfast.

So, there's a clue for us: In isolation, the following tasks are NOT as hard as the stressful restaurant-management activities you've described:

• feeding a kid breakfast
• changing a diaper
• cleaning a kid's hands and face with a washcloth
• dressing a kid (actually, bad example, that's fucking hard)
• getting a kid downstairs and into a stroller
• making a kid wear a hat in the snow so he doesn't freeze and die (another terrible example - also impossible)
  

However, in context, these tasks coagulate to form certain conditions that are far worse than the sum of the parts. These conditions ARE more difficult to bear than the tasks of most western, non-air-traffic-controlling professions, including your job of playing Hell's Kitchen with a bunch of mexicans:

• Serial deprivation of intellectual stimulus; prolonged exposure to extreme mental boredom.
• Deep isolation from adult contact and sanity-sustaining social interaction
• De-prioritization of personal hygiene and excretion processes
• Sleep deprivation
• Chinese-Water-Torture-esque exposure to punctuated nails-on-blackboard whining and demands every 3 minutes for (literally) years and years without significant respite.
  

I've seen the effects of these conditions on my wife, so it's obvious to me that being a stay-at-home mom is worse than my job as a highly-paid software engineer. I believe that also makes it harder, but you can see why the definition of hard itself is called somewhat into question- For example, What's a harder job:

• Being a slave girl in Pakistan and cleaning camel shit between beatings

-OR-

• Being a Front-Office Wall Street Trader.

Tough call on semantics, right? But the Pakistani chick obviously has it worse.

It boggles my mind to think that anyone would willingly be a stay-at-home mother - the inherent deprivation of basic human rights is just too great. I could never do it in 10 billion years, even though I love my kids enough to throw myself in front of a train for them that's different though, because throwing yourself in front of a train is far less boring, is over quickly, and takes far less dedication to execute than committing yourself to the complete and total ego suicide that stay-at-home parenting entails.

However: because of her severe dedication to our kids and unwillingness to have them raised by Caribbeans, my wife has chosen to be a stay-at-home mom.

Keyword: CHOSEN.

This brings us to the real issue in our household:

If my wife has Chosen this role for herself, and can reverse that decision at any time, is she really allowed to bitch about it nonstop and make everyone else's life hell with her nonstop martyring and complaining and whining?

Get the fuck outta here Carls, that's the stupidest question i've ever heard in my life. Who cares if they're allowed - they're going to bitch anyway so deal with it. Want a divorce? Go try telling them they're not allowed to complain.

Don't worry - your kids will be at a state university soon, and your wife will slowly assimilate back into society, though her skills at typewriting and woodworking and all these other twentieth century tasks will be meaningless and outdated, and she'll still be a drain on your income and society.

Even then however, as she'll have taken the ultimate bullet for the team - you'll still be the asshole, and in debt to her forever.

Btw, if your answer in the first paragraph was "too late, we're already divorced," then please ignore all of the above. In fact, if you would forward me your ex-wife's contact information, that would be optimal - totally saves me a sketchy-ass trip to craigslist casual encounters.

Thanks and be well - hope this helps.
Blognigger.