BREEDER vs. BALLER: Why Do Mom's Get Special Fucking Privileges in the Workplace?
Effed in Park Slope | Thursday, December 4, 2008 at 7:00AM 
Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.
BALLER:
Moms in the workplace get mad perks, allowances, "passes," and post Obama type freedoms that those of us with our uteri in tact do NOT enjoy.
"pslope non mom" is totally, 1000% fucking right and anyone who fights me on this is either:
*a liar
*an idiot
*a combination of the two
Period.
Now, let me lay out the facts: I currently work at a company that would definitely be considered more "sensitive" and life/balance forward thinking than most. However, throughout my life, I have worked in a variety of different workplace type shituations ranging from a large, scary behomoth of a corporate entity (what up Conde Nast!) to a small, poorly run internet start-up that focused more energy on their employee snack food options than our profit margins.
In every single solitary company on my two page resume (none of which are Earth shoe factories, by the way; nice one AnnaZed), mommyhood was the equivalent of winning the fucking lottery.
"OH, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to run out 15 minutes early because little Bronx Mowgli has a soccer game tonight! Finish up without me, OK?"
"Hi, this is [insert MILF name here]. I'm sorry, but I can't make it in today because my little Suri Suri Sur-pot has the sniffles and I have to take her to the doctor. Good luck on your two hour presentation! Call me if you need me!"
"Yikes, I'm sorry. I know you all have to work this weekend to finish up that proposal, but Gucci Hermes Lexus has her brownie troop comin over, so I'm gonna have to bail on that. I'll catch up with you guys next week."
3 months on the couch eatin bon bons maternity leave so you can bond with your bebe? No problemo!
Extra health insurance benefits and allowances? Sure!
All served up with a side of government tax breaks and a heaping helping of "its ok if you're fat cause you're a mom and that's beautiful."
Well, I say, fuck all y'all.
You made a CHOICE to be a mom, and I made a choice to be a BALLER. But, I don't expect your ass to allow me an extra fifteen to get home so I can take my fucking cat to the fucking feline acupuncturist. Even though my cat has an ongoing health issue that requires his hairy ass to get treatment 3 times a month at a place that's only open from 12-3pm. NOPE, that's my fucking problem.
YOU get to "work from home" three days a week, while I'm stuck in this stupid fucking chair, at my stupid fucking desk (probably finishing YOUR stupid fucking proposal).
And if there is one thing that I can be absolutely assured of...that I can LITERALLY fucking guarantee: you'll have another fresh excuse for something else that you need to avoid/cancel/pass off tomorrow (AND no one will notice).
mommyhood = quite a perk, indeed.
BREEDER:
Baller, take my advice: You seriously want to save what you just wrote up there, keep it in a safe place, and look at it again in 20 years so you can remember when you were acting like the psychotic Louis Farrakhan of angry, childless dykes.
Baller. baller. dude. shhhh; they're moms. What happened to you that you are so disturbingly enraged? It's such a dark place to be, to be whining nonstop about someone having something that you want.
Okay, some mothers, at workplaces like yours, might get a little lenience here and there - a little time to be with their kids - but why would you ever begrudge them that? They also have to get up 10 times in the middle of the night, while you get to operate on a full night's sleep. Fair? Don't make me say it: L*fe isn't fair.
The most intriguing thing about your rant is that I'm sure it conflicts with and exposes inconsistencies in your otherwise liberal worldview. As someone who lives in Park Slope, I'm betting you believe in Universal Health Care, right? Here's an interesting psychological question for you: what exactly do you think is preventing you from applying these socialist tendencies to the mom situation?
I mean, traditionally, someone who believes in Universal Health Care and other strong social benefits would tend to also support an understanding workplace that tolerates a mother's dual role in society. Or would you go back on that now, and say that if some can't afford health care, it's because of the CHOICE they made to be an artist or a freelancer, or some occupation which doesn't normally provide health care?
Well, we both know you'd lose your co-op membership for suggesting an idea like that, so then, why is it ok to support this socially progressive movement but deny the rights of mothers to have special allowances for their childcare needs?
Each according to their needs, right Kruschev? Or is that only when it's convenient for you?
Are you against poor women, who can't afford to be stay-at-home mom's, being allowed to have children? Or jobs? No? Then you need to support society's accommodation of their needs so that they can remain in the workplace.
Alright, it's getting late; I'm sure you should be running off to a veteran's hospital to stand outside and protest the fact that they get free health care and you don't. Why should they get free health care? They CHOSE to join the army for the Iraq war right? Why should they get special benefits just because they made a certain CHOICE?
Don't you want those benefits too? Shouldn't it be even-steven? Speak up!
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Reader Comments (13)
you're comparing stay-at-home mommies to veterans??? ahahaha!
yeah, popping out a kid or two and staying home with it and bitching about your lot in life is very similar to volunteering your ass to defend this country.
oh man, mommy's on crack. she's high on herself.
and you think people are whining because we want what mommies have? we want to be able to act like a victim of our chosen lifestyle? think again. it's about personal responsibility. it's about not whining your way through life when you've got a damn good life. i take responsibility for my choices in life and i sure as hell don't whine about them on a regular basis. and if i ever start doing such, i hope someone bitch-slaps some sense back into me.
Baller, I am on your side 100%. Even worse than the Moms who stay at home are the Moms are just getting back into the office and tele-parent from work, making loud, frequent, annoying phonecalls to their nannies from their cubicles. Nothing makes me want to go on a homicidal blood rage more than listening to some broad calling her nanny to check on the consistency of Preston's poopies.
baller knows what's up yo. don't recreate. masturbate.
@BREEDER: what sort of pipe are you smokin, dude? (and why u not sharing??)
Your logic makes no sense to me and, in fact, has my brain in meltdown mode. Yes, I do support universal healthcare...that means EVERYONE has a right to a decent healthcare plan. Not just annoying whiny BREEDERS and not just supafly, phat, phresh BALLERS...everyone. My entire point is momz get these special privileges at work and I don't. I'm not saying DON'T give the mamz a break here and there, I'm jus sayin, give it to me too! We all deserve to leave early if we have to, or take on projects outside of work that fulfill us in ways workin' for the man does not. I just think it sucks balls that just cuz I don't have a little junior runnin around, I can never ever catch a break. It's the special treatment that moms get that's got my panties in a wad.
Joining the Army is crazy talk...if your ass wants to do that, hells yeah you deserve special healthcare...and your own damn hospital. And shit, your own damn stripclubs too. VA supported, I don't give a fuck.
And Newsflash: if you are poor and can't afford to feed yourself or your family, you SHOULDN'T be having a baby. That's not BALLER, that's just plain and simple logic.
If that makes me Kruschev, then I'm ready to step to it.
@anon 11:57pm, 12:07am & Mr. lus: RAWK!
All right, serious question here: do the seemingly bottomless legions of online parenthaters actually, truly, personally give THAT much of a fuck?
Cause jesus man, you're *everywhere.* I go to read a comment thread on Brownstoner, there are three dozen people bitching about parents and their "cockfruit." BALLER says "man go FUCK yrself moms!" and a chorus of voices go "oh thank sweet jesus somebody finally put those bitches in their place!"
Really? Do you actually run into that many parents in your daily life who are galling enough in their victim/preciousness that you build up that kind of a hairtrigger backlog of bile?
Cause I've got kids, I live in the Slope, I know dozens of folks who have kids, and almost none - like, maybe two - of them bear any resemblance at all to the strawmoms of the haters' nightmares...
It leaves me wondering if maybe ya'll just need a nice hobby, or some yoga, or something.
"All right, serious question here: do the seemingly bottomless legions of online parenthaters actually, truly, personally give THAT much of a fuck?"
yes. if sahms didn't squawk so much and complain about how hard their lives are because of the kids they brought into them there wouldn't be such a backlash.
"Cause jesus man, you're *everywhere.* "
god, yes. now you have an idea, granted on a much smaller scale than we experience, of how we feel about YOU.
"Really? Do you actually run into that many parents in your daily life who are galling enough in their victim/preciousness that you build up that kind of a hairtrigger backlog of bile?"
god, yes. of course they are completely clueless as to how they come across to others. they can't imagine another not understanding their needs and their cirumstances because, truly, it is all about them (and their kids, by extension, that's why they have them).
"Cause I've got kids, I live in the Slope, I know dozens of folks who have kids, and almost none - like, maybe two - of them bear any resemblance at all to the strawmoms of the haters' nightmares..."
and i'm certain that you don't think you fall into that category either. ask yourself a question: do you really think we're just doing it to be haters? think of the other things we all commonly hate on and then draw your own conclusion. why would we randomly and without provacation choose a totally innocuous group to pick on?
"It leaves me wondering if maybe ya'll just need a nice hobby, or some yoga, or something."
or perhaps we could have a child and our lives - as well as the lives of all we encounter on a regular basis - could revolve around that.
@anon 1:19 - "or perhaps we could have a child and our lives - as well as the lives of all we encounter on a regular basis - could revolve around that."
Well apparently at least some of it already revolves around screeching at people online... so the bar ain't set very high. Never mind having a kid, taking up friggin *crochet* would be an improvement.
OK, as neither a "breeder" or a "baller" (what, are we in the UK?), my wife and I CHOSE to NOT HAVE KIDS (or pets, though we do have plants and a house [hint: lots-o-work])...many reasons: lifestyle, bad genes in the family, overpopulation, whatever...we said no.
That being said, I must agree with any post that says breeders get better treatment (in a myriad of ways)...from family (my brother has two...and they are lovely kids, just not mine), our friends (again, nice brood, not ours) and our co-workers/clients (again...) when it comes to "special time to take care of baby (no matter the age) and get away from other adult-related responsibilities...thus pushing it off on someone else (with kids or not with kids).
However, that was their choice.
They can have their kids, we have our plants, careers and non-kid lives. I'd just like to once be able to say "hey, I need some time off for my wife and to deal with some [stuff] (insert whatever shit life throws at you here) today," and it not be a big deal. Rather than "hey, I need some time to take Maxime to her shrink since she has to share a locker at pre-school."
Sorry, just sayin!
There's this weird assumption in all the anti-'Rent rants (no offense, Lostingreenwoodhts, you didn't actually rant) that: Park Slope Parent + issue with kid = overblown, fatuous, trivial non-problem being self-indulgently amplified.
Hey, yeah, some are. Some parents freak out because Maxime shares a locker (funny!). And also, a lot aren't. This isn't some "It's a parent thang, you wouldn't understand" bullshit, but seriously if you think all the problems are invented or overblown then you do not have any idea what you are talking about.
You should totally be able to take time off from work because you have wife/life/stuff to deal with. And I can understand being pissed that you can't. But it's not like I get to be like "hey I know I have a training session to run today, but Little Squooshy is having a fractious relationship with his binky so I gotta jet" and my boss is okay with that...
@rjt:
"You should totally be able to take time off from work because you have wife/life/stuff to deal with. And I can understand being pissed that you can't."
We are pissed.
This is entirely the point of this whole discussion.
And, of course, if you phrase it like this: "hey I know I have a training session to run today, but Little Squooshy is having a fractious relationship with his binky so I gotta jet" your boss isn't gonna go for it. But if you say:
"we've been having some trouble with Dylan recently and we have a doctors appt tonight."
OR
"Dylan has been sick for the last week and my poor wife has been up all night with him, so I was gonna leave an hour early today to give her a break"
OR
"Dylan has a championship soccer game this eve, so I was hoping I could duck out a few mins early to catch it"
Something tells me that you would have no problem gettin this by the old boss. I know this because the same exact excuses work in my office...and probably everyone else's who commented in support of BALLER.
catch our drift?
@PSNM: yeah those might fly if you have a reasonably cool boss and a reasonably flexible work situation. If you don't, then Jr's soccer game isn't gonna get you out of squat.
And if we're positing a reasonably cool boss, then theoretically that's someone to whom you could say "hey I've got some heavy personal shit to attend to, can I blow at 4 instead of 5 today" whether you've got kids or not.
I see what you're saying, and I see there are established patterns that at least nominally favor parents. I don't see why so many people are so out-of-their-gourds enraged about it. What is this costing you? When is this rubbed in your face? Seriously, wtf does it have to do with you at all?
Just gotta say I agree with rjt 100%. I don't know any Park Slope parents like this and I don't get the level of hate. I've lived here for 12 years, as a single person, a married w/out kids, and now as a parent, and I've NEVER encountered the obnoxious self-absorbed complain-y breeders described here (and everywhere else on the web.) Then again, I don't belong to the food co-op, so maybe I'm not deep enough in The PS Shit. Anyway, if you think parents get more family/personal time than you believe YOU deserve, complain to your BOSS. My vote would be for EVERYONE to get some time to take care of their cat or their child or their hungover selves every once in a while.
There is absolutely no doubt that treatment in the workplace is fully, completely, absolutely, positively equal across the board. Until we get to have/have-not reproduced dichotomy, of course, then everything breaks down. The Breeders have all the juice; they are the Freemasons of the 21st century.