'You noticed me noticing you'

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I'm all married-n-shit, but still; missed connections are fun! And this one came through on my RSS reader, so I couldn't resist. I'm praying that the subway dude with the loafers with the flip flop soles (!?) was wearing something *slightly* more interesting than a Yankees hat, but whatevs.

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'Being Sexy Is A Nasty Job, But Someone Has To Do It'

The Park Slope post offices seem to be breeding grounds for intense hate and explosions of disgust, but once in a while they are beakers for beautiful chemical reactions of love molecules (is that gross or hot?).

Lookie here at the following missed connection on the always ripe-with-possibilities Craigslist:

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Food Coop LOOOOOOOOVE

Parkslope Co-op Beer Girl - m4w - 29 (Park Slope Brooklyn )
Date: 2009-08-08, 12:04PM EDT

Hello,

Wouldn't it be awesome if you saw this! You were the VERY cute Asian girl who was buying a LOT of beer at the Park Slope food Coop last Friday (August 7th) around 6:30PM. We traded a few looks while we were shopping. I was the tall guy with yellow T-shirt. It wasn't until u were at the register that I got the courage to say something (regarding the beer) - but then it was awkward with the cashier there etc. DAMN!

Anyways. you are super cute and i'd like to grab a beer with you sometime.

(via Craigslist)

Post-Holiday Clearance Sale: Park Slope MILF Handjobs Starting as Low as $199.99

Today's the day I become a Serious Journalist.

I realize that up until this moment, my Reporter Qualifications consist of posting ripoffs of TheOnion to a snarky, smug, crappy little website.

Today's the day that changes.

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BREAKING: Marketing Genius is in for Some Serious Poon

Oh my G0D, I'm gonna have a fucking panic attack.

Did you see this guy's Craigslist Ad?

This guy is a total fucking genius - talk about hitting your target audience. Let me break out the keystroke loggers and hidden cams, cause I just know he's gonna end up banging my wife.

Check this shit out:

Are you home all day, bored and devoid of sexual excitement and pleasure?

Uh, what park slope mom isn't?!?!

Is is your husband working all day and doesn't desire you when he comes home?

Please; you don't know the half of it! Not only do I come home exhausted - I can't even get it up under normal circumstances! I'm a totally flaccid software project manager, about 15 years past my sexual prime, AND doped up on anti-depressants: My manhood is essentially a wrinkled, shriveled acorn.

Are you taking care of your children all day and want someone to kiss, lick and caress your special spots?

Holy christ that's a low blow - he brings the kids into it you FUCK. Why not just mention how she has to pick up my dry cleaning while you're at it? And what is my kid supposed to do while you're banging his mom, you sick fuck?! Watch Dora?

I am not looking for any drama or to wreck an marriages just equal sexual satisfaction with an emphasis on pleasure...I am a 6'3 athletic male living in Park Slope. I am a successful and cultured.

Oh great, he's gorgeous AND rational. Fuck it, I'm going for a pre-emptive happy-ending massage. I am SO getting back at that lying, cheating bitch.

PS Craigslisting: W/E 01.04.09

Each week we bring you the best of the worst in Park Slope related craigslist shenanigans:

*Absolutely Free Stress Management Workshop (Park Slope, Brooklyn) - Are you stressed? Need to manage it? Like free shit? Then K.I.T. with these peeps.

*Wanna get lost? Help train a Search & Rescue dog in Prospect Park (Park Slope) - Ok, so we love dogz around here. You got us. But this is soooo great. Pleez someone do it!

*1/15: Hottest Speed Dating Event! (Park Slope Brooklyn) - Get laid! FAST!

*Park Slope Moms - m4w - 30 (Park Slope) - This dude is on the prowl for some MILF muff (also he won't tell anyone once he gets it).

*WANTED: Private Hipster Lapdance/Massage? — Will Donate - m4w (Park Slope Area — Brooklyn) - The BEST part of this ad? If your guess was "private hipster lapdance," you would be wrong! It's the pic of the pretty BK sunset the guy includes.

PS Craigslisting: W/E 12.28.08

Each week we bring you the best of the worst in Park Slope related craigslist shenanigans:

*FOUND DOG: male pitbull mix in Park Slope (8th Avenue & 9th Street)

*Conversational Spanish Free Event in January (Park Slope)

*Woodworking Classes / Workshop Space (Gowanus / Park Slope)

*Smudge - Loving kitty needs forever home - Park Slope/Ditmas Park (Brooklyn)

*Dog Grooming Lessons With Professional Groomer Rod Leite of Homedoggy (ParkSlope)

PS Craigslisting: W/E 12.21.08

Each week we bring you the best of the worst in Park Slope related craigslist shenanigans:

*PLUS ONE - ART OPENING (Gowanus/Park Slope) - "These artists explore themes of urban landscape, mythic symbolic imagery, the Bronx graffiti tradition and honoring the art of teaching all while focusing on their personal identities and explorations as artists, friends, mentors and colleagues."

*Meet 7 great rescue dogs in one place! Call for appointment. BAFN (Park Slope Brooklyn) -
Adopt a pet! It really is the greatest thing on the planet.

*naked slave, spankee or houseboy now - m4m - 43 (Park Slope) - Spankee! What a fab new word...I am so stealing that.

*Drug Dealers on 20 St (Park Slope/ south Slope) - Well, if anyone is looking for ideas on where they can score some weed, this might be a good place to start.

*My Paris (Marais) for your Manhattan or Bklyn Apt. FEB 2009 - Goddammit I wish I could swap apartments with this person. The world is a cruel, cruel place.

PS Craigslisting: W/E 12.14.08

Each week we bring you the best of the worst in Park Slope related craigslist shenanigans: (ed note: sorry we're a day late...we couldn't find any bagel appropriate craigslist posts for yesterday).

*Study or watch TV while our baby sleeps! (Park Slope) - This couple needs to get out more...and they know it. Please help them out so I don't have to see anymore babies in my bar.

*1/21: Get out of your rut. Get into the kitchen. (Park Slope, Brooklyn) - Ok so this is one is *mildly* bagel Monday appropriate.

*12/20-12/21: Peter and the Wolf - for kids of all ages (Park Slope) -This kinda sounds like fun...if you have kids...and you're into this sort of shit.

*12/20: Free Acupuncture (Park Slope ) - "If it sounds to good to be true, it probably is" (my Grandma). Except in the case of free acupuncture.

*Let's use my hydrocodone and each other's bodies to feel good... - m4w - 27 (Park Slope) - Back off, bitches. This is so my new boyfriend...

PS Craigslisting: W/E 12.07.08

Each week we bring you the best of the worst in Park Slope related craigslist shenanigans:

*ELLA URGENTLY NEEDS FOSTER OR ADOPTION (Park Slope) - Ella is a drop dead adorbs Black Lab who desperately needs a home. I dare you to look at her pic and not wanna adopt her (double dawg dare?).

*Looking for Jewish Frum Chasidic Lady - m4w (Park SLope) - Ok, so this dude wants to get down-n-dirty Jew style. Also, I just learned a new word: Frum.

*Esoteric Group - m4w - 31 (Park Slope/Williamsburg) - "Calling all Curious Indigos, Excited Esoterics, and Horny Alchemists...I thought it'd be really interesting, exciting, fun, and probably educational to get a small group of people together who are all open to exploring various energy raising techniques that involve meditation, chants/mantras, tantric, and taoist practices to raise our psychic/Kundalini/Reiki/etc energies." Uhm..Right. Good luck with that, dude.

*British cross dresser seeking female friend - m4w (Park Slope) - This PSlope Brit is looking for a new BFF...anyone?

*College Educated Movers: Available Last Minute! - V. Interesting...though I think I prefer *non* college educated movers.