Just Cheez It, Alf.

It's like a cheezy, iconic, gay Brit once said: "Saturday night's alright for fighting. Saturday night's alright. Alright. Alright. Woo Hoo Ooh Ooh."

It's like a cheezy, hacky teenager once said in the shitty follow-up to the shitty song that made her famous: "This Saturday we're gonna do it bigger than we ever have before."

It's like a cheezy bunch of 70’s era Scottish teenybopper heartthrobs once said: "It's just a Saturday night."

Guess what I did on Saturday night. Nope. Not cheese. Not even heroin. Nope. I didn't go to TGI Fridays and delight in the splendor that is their kitsch-adorned walls. TGI Fridays is more of a Friday thing. Since it was a Saturday smack dab in the middle of a pussy-snowstorm-induced three-day weekend, a few friends & I decided to travel all the way up the hills of Park Slope to 7th Ave, walking right past all the perfectly fine bars on 5th Ave.

The reason: A brand spanking new bar that just opened up in the old Bar 4 space (RIP and/or I never went there). The moniker: "American Cheez."

I know. Right off the bat you're obviously thinking, "Jesus Christ. What the fuck is the deal with that name? I mean, who in the hell do these people think they are? Pork Slope?"

What's in a name though, really? In this case, the name is all working on multiple levels & junk. First off, you've got a bunch of cheezy shizz on the walls. There's a large photo of Ben Affleck with the word "Balls" written on his forehead. There's a stuffed Macho Man Randy Savage behind the bar, an item which my inebriated friend swore was also behind the bar in the Bar 4 days. You're apparently encouraged to bring by your own cheez to decorate the place. On a related note, if American Cheez wants to host me for a gallery showing of Garbage Pail Kids, please inquire within. Maybe we can turn it into a fundraiser to help cheezy breeders or something.

"Cheez" also refers to the free cheese "pizzas" you get with every drink. Y'know how Crocodile Lounge & Alligator Lounge give out free personal “pizzas” with every drink? At American Cheez, their free pizza makes Crocodile Lounge's look like Grimaldi's. I mean, I get it. It's FREE "pizza." It's essentially dough with a smattering of tomato sauce & cheese. It's better than free popcorn, I guess.

On the definite plus side, one of the dudes working the bar was ridiculously friendly. He worked the bar & the room, all whilst shuttling pizzas from the pizza area in the back to the various tables.

All together, the prices are pretty normal for Park Slope. The only glitch I encountered was the $8 price tag for a pint of Brooklyn Sorachi Ace. Let's just say you can get it for $2 cheaper a few blocks down the hill and a few blocks south.

By the end of the night and a few beers, I came to two important conclusions:

#1: Beneath all the cheez & subpar pizza, American Cheez still felt like what I envision Bar 4 must have felt like...a neighborhood bar. I scanned & judged everyone throughout the course of the night & I'm pretty sure I only saw one potential douche bag.

#2: The bathroom directly to the back is the ladies' room. It took me three times to realize it but apparently the men's room is to the right of it. I guess that explains these two posters:

I can only assume that the men's room has some equally heteronormatively cheezy photos of Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson or some shit.

American Cheez, 444 7th Ave (corner of 15th)

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com & eatdrinktaco.com.