Get Off My Lawn! (My Recent Altercation With Some Punk Ass Kids)

Today I turn 37. MILESTONE! Please celebrate accordingly. While it's not actually a milestone, it's still fun because while I'm still getting older & older, I continue to have a conversation along these lines with each & every person I meet:

PERSON: Wait. You're 37? SHUT! UP!
ME: Yes. I'm 37. [Uncomfortable smile]
PERSON: Wow! You look young/have good genes/blah/blah/blah.
ME: My mother's always looked young. I get it from her, I suppose.

I definitely understand where y'all are coming from. Other than the no-sleep dark smoker's circles under my eyes & the sporadic chin hairs, I could pass for 18. My 5'4" frame really helps sell the ruse.

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Park Slope Teens Getting Fat?

As a formerly pudgy little teen bastard who was often vexed by whether nine McNuggets and a large order of fries would be enough to satisfy a bulging tummy, I can't say I'm all that surprised by this recent study about teen eating habits. 

Apparently the study shows that little bastards between the ages of 13-17 haven't exactly been dissuaded from stuffing their fat faces since New York made including calorie counts on fast food menus mandatory in 2008. The survey appeared in the Journal of International Obesity (isn't obesity just an American thing?), and yep: fewer than 10% of the Justin Bieber fans surveyed give a rat's ass that eating two Burger King chicken sandwiches afterschool will probably make hearts explode in twenty-or-so years.

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COOL OR NOT COOL: Throwing A Rager While Your Parents Are Away?

Some industrious Park Slope teen decided to throw a big-ass part-ay while her rents were away. Unfortch, the crowd got a little wild and stole some shit. Blah, blah, blah: "if Woody had gone straight to the police, none of this would have ever happened."

Ok, I didn't need to throw secret parties cause my parents were always like: HEY! WHY DON'T YOU THROW A PARTY!," but still. I kind of feel like this shit is a right of passage, ya know? Bitches just need to be more careful about who they invite.

So I say cool!

We support you, oh likely grounded and never leaving your house again except for school Park Slope teen!

(via Running Scared)

'Fuck Park Slope!' [NYE Fight Night]

While all you bitches were watching the fireworks in Prospect Park, rockin out at the Bell House, or having "unconvential sex" on NYE, there was apparently a multi-borough smackdown happening right in our own very nabe. That's right: Park Slope is now so hated, a roving gang of teenaged hooligans boarded a subway, ditched their NYE plans, and rode all the way down here from Harlem to kick themselves some ginuine Park Slope ass.

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Calling All Park Slope Teenage Hipster Assholes: MTV *Needs* You

So, according to our friends at Brokelyn, if you are a "Brooklyn teen age 15 to 18, who qualifies as a dancer, musician, athlete, drama queen, bookworm, shy type, alpha male, alpha female, texter or party hopper," than you are *perfectly* suited for a new show that MTV is casting for called Skins!

Based on a hit show in the UK, Skins apparently follows around a group of bad-assed, snot nosed, smart-mouthed teens as they impregnate their classmates, learn all about anorexia, and smoke crack with Amy Winehouse (ok, fine: that last part isn't true).

They're specfically looking for non-actor types (cause you know: reality telivision is REAL, people), and, duh, their first stop is the BK: “we were handed the task of finding the most charismatic and actually edgy kids we could,” casting agent Kim Madalinski told Brokelyn. “We need real people with real life experiences and the courage to show it. Everyone says ‘you need to go to my neighborhood,’ and ‘my neighborhood’ is always somewhere in Brooklyn.’

Oh, please, please, please Gawd let someone from Park Slope be chosen for this show. Do you know what a fucking blog post goldmine of material that would be???

The casting call takes place on November 15th. So, if you're an "edgy" badass teen whose parents will agree to sign the show waiver, hop on over to Brokelyn for more details on where to go and what to do (seriously, Park Slope teens--I mean it! Your community NEEDS you!).