Get Off My Lawn! (My Recent Altercation With Some Punk Ass Kids)

Today I turn 37. MILESTONE! Please celebrate accordingly. While it's not actually a milestone, it's still fun because while I'm still getting older & older, I continue to have a conversation along these lines with each & every person I meet:

PERSON: Wait. You're 37? SHUT! UP!
ME: Yes. I'm 37. [Uncomfortable smile]
PERSON: Wow! You look young/have good genes/blah/blah/blah.
ME: My mother's always looked young. I get it from her, I suppose.

I definitely understand where y'all are coming from. Other than the no-sleep dark smoker's circles under my eyes & the sporadic chin hairs, I could pass for 18. My 5'4" frame really helps sell the ruse.

On the inside, I feel AT LEAST my age. Inevitably, that means that I just don't understand what the deal is with kids these days. Let's have some teen straight talk...they're a bunch of lil' bitches & the future of civilization is DOOMED.

Case in point: This past Saturday, I had beers & clams & more beers with a friend at Mission Dolores & Littleneck & Union Hall. Around 1am, we parted ways & I headed to the southbound Union St station to catch the train home. As I made my way down into the station, a train was just pulling out. My inner spirit quickly muttered "fucking train" but in reality, I didn't really care much. There's always another train coming, people.

As I stepped through the turnstiles & took a left, I noticed a pack of at least ten teen hoods walking down the platform toward me. I stepped aside so they could pass & went in my pocket to pull out my iPod. As they approached, all I heard was their gaggling attempts to be the most testicular & through the noise, I heard the words, "Slap him. Slap him." 

Seconds later, this one OBVIOUSLY highly-impressionable punk ass kid leapt out of the group & landed a slap right on my left cheek. As I looked at him in complete shock, he just fuckin' LOL'ed & LOL'ed & LOL'ed to his heart’s content. I didn't catch the reaction of his friends, as I just gazed at him in astonishment & gave him a simple, "What the fuck, man?" 

He moved on, LOL'ing as he walked away. One of his friends asked me "4th Ave & Union is outside, right?" Duh, kid. I can only assume it was an attempt to quickly diffuse the situation. Not like it needed to be diffused all that much. It's not like the slap actually hurt. it's not like I was going to start brawling with ten teens on a subway platform or something. Still, I feel like that kid is the sort of kid who doesn't get shot by Bodie & Pooh in the corner of his bedroom.

But that kid who slapped me can go fuck himself. Kids these days! Maybe it's because I grew up in a tiny town in New Hampshire in the 80's & 90's but as a teen, though I loved showing off to my friends, I NEVER would've laid a hand on a complete stranger.

So what is it? Why did that kid think that, as a member of the human race, it was OK to do what he did? Here's a short list of rationales I've assembled:

• He's hardened by growing up in the biggest city in the country
• Though he lacked the proper glove or declaration, he demanded satisfaction
• He listens to the hip hop
• There's some new slapping internet craze I don't know about
• He was getting initiated into the softest gang EVA
• I'm short & white 

I guess I’m lucky. The only thing hurt was my pride. I mean, if this was Chicago & I was homeless, I would've got straight up punched in the f'n face. Next Thursday, I'll be thankful for that. This Thursday though, I'll try to be thankful for the "37" thing.

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.