I Got iMugged

Yep, it's true.

Yesterday morning I was the proud owner of a shiny, new-ish, much loved iPad and yesterday eve, not so much.

I got iMugged! Or iJacked! Or iFucked!

I've had quite the motherfucking week, ppl. After recovering from our little domain ish, I decided to wrap things up by smashing the shit out of my iPhone yesterday. I've dropped my phone several times on the streets of New York, once out of car window as Greg was pulling out of a garage, and IN MY MOTHERFUCKING TOILET, so I was pretty sure my lil ole phone could survive ANYTHING. Then yesterday I dropped it on the floor in our new Squarespace office, and the bitch shattered into half a billion pieces. I just dropped it on the floor! Like not really hard! Anyway, the glass is hosed...I can't even turn it on anymore, cause I'll get slivers of glass in my fingers. And yes, I do know that I *can* get it fixed, but I haven't yet.

Oh well, I thought...at least I still have my iPad!

I left work yesterday around 5:45 and went down to the N/Q downtown platform at Canal Street, like I do every night. Have you ever been to the Canal Street subway station? That's where all the homeless people of NYC go to piss, and shit, and bleed, and spooge. Sometimes I think the MTA should just remove the uptown and downtown platform signs and replace them with "Men" and "Women" signs so that people know exactly where they need to go when they have to take a dump on a subway platform. But whatevs.

Aside from the overwhelming stench-n-filth, Canal Street has always been pretty ok to me...mostly because it's only 3 short stops from 7th Avenue and it takes me like 17 mins to get to work on the Q. So right: the iMugging, last night I'm standing there and I notice that the N train was pulling into the station. I stood aside and let the exiting passengers exit. I then stepped onto the train with my back to the open door (I was planning on stealing the lean back posish after the door closed). I was holding my iPad in my hand, and lifted up my left arm to pull my bag a little further back on my shoulder, and then BOOM. Some dude runs by me, grabs my iPad out of my hands, and then tears up the stairs at the far end of the station.

SON OF A MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!

For one brief shining moment I thought about chasing him, but:

a. #myfatass

b. What the fuck was I gonna do if some miracle of fucking miracles happened, and I chased him, and he fell and I actually caught up with him?? I need someone to shoot me in the face over my iPad? No thanks.

And so the subway doors closed, and I was left standing there looking like the biggest Chumper McChumperson to ever hit the En Why Cee. I GOT IMUGGED!

So let my sad, sad story be a lesson to you all: try to look way the hell more poor than you actually are on your daily commutes.

Oh, and hide your fucking iPads deep down in your bags...or pants...or wherevs.

Le sigh.

Badassed Park Slope Shop Owner to Robber: 'DO NOT FUCK WITH ME'

Obvies all people who work in head shops ALREADY rule, but this dude takes the cake. The Park Slope shop owner at New Star Tobacco on 5th Ave and St. Marks got robbed the other afternoon by some knife wielding dude who thought it would be funz to clear out his register and go get sushi at Blue Ribbon or some shit. So does the shop owner stand there like a fucking pussy while the robber just takes all his money? No HE TRYS TO BEAT IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING FACE IN WITH A MOTHERFUCKING TRASH CAN!

I know robberies are like not at ALL funny in real life, but I kind of love the look on the robber's face when the shop owner starts bashing him with a plastic wastebasket, and he looks at him like all: AYFKMWTS right now???

Anyway, please go buy lots'o shit at this place right now. Maybe they sell weed paraphernalia? Or rolling papers for your pretentious fucking clove cigarettes. Who cares...just GO.

(via The Daily News)

Raccoon Terror Threat Alert = Red

This post goes out to allllll you mofos who thought that my post about the vigilante Park Slope raccoon who got beheaded a few months ago was a leetle too over the top...cause I'm just wondering how "over the top" you think shit will be when a motherfucking, titty sucking raccoon breaks INTO YOUR GODDAMNED APARTMENT AND EATS YOUR BABY!???

9-month-old Baby in Georgia Nearly Eaten By Raccoons; Animals Chewed on Face, Head, Hands:

A baby was hospitalized on Wednesday after being attacked by a pair of raccoons as she slept in her own crib.

The 9-month-old Georgia girl is listed in critical condition and suffered extensive injuries to her head, according to The Covington News.

The raccoons entered the home around 4 a.m. through the side panels of a window air conditioner in the mother's bedroom, where the baby slept, authorities said.

You know, I gotta say, if I've learned one thing through all these raccoon incidents it's this: those bitches are BALLSY. Like, they just don't give a FUCK who you are or what the fuck you think you're gonna do to them. If they wanna eat your baby's face, they will goddamned eat your baby's face.

I mean, DAYM.

Consider yourselves warned (AH-gain).

[NOT COOL] Gettin Freaky Deaky On The Subway

It's not exactly breaking news to me that MTA workers don't care, cause not only do they not care about you, your subway, your subway cards, or anything related to wherever you're going, they don't even really care about themselves based on cell phone conversations I've overhead many of them have with angry boyfriends and girlfriends while I'm standing there waiting to add $2.25 to motherfucking card. And while I didn't really *think* that police officers cared either, I thought that maybe they'd at least fake it, but I guess not. Clearly we're all on our own here, ppl. Happy masturbating in the subway everyone!

Click to read more ...

Hammers-n-Hancos

Uh oh. Looks like someone's tried to break into Park Slope's smelliest Vietnamese sandwich shop over the weekend. 

Maybe the Hancos vs. Henrys war stopped being polite and started getting real?

We commend their crowdsourced approach to justice...anyone have scoop?