BREAKING: HAIL TO THE NO!

ARE YOU ALL STILL ALIVE????

I'M NOT EVEN SURE I AM!

What in the mother fuck was that shit?? I'll tell you what:  A HAIL STORM JUST GOT DROPPED RIGHT ON OUR FUCKING FACES.

Tornadoes, hail, Frogs, boils, raccoons: These are the 12 10 plagues unfolding right in front of our eyes!? Aren't they??

After a beautiful, mild early Fall day in NYC, the world seemingly almost came to an tonight. Like for realz. A small sampling from the Park Slope Twitterati on tonight's totally bizarro Hail storm:

Hope you're all not dead!

EDIT from Meredith, bogarting Erica's post: Here's the WTF scene on my back patio. That used to be my fucking patio umbrella. 

SQUIRREL HAS TONS OF BABIES IN PARK SLOPE / COUPLE HAS “YOGA ROOM”

Not sure how we missed this one from Gothamist, but just so you know: an adorable mommy squirrel has taken up residence amongst our prime Park Slope real estate to do what all the rest of us do: BREED. Apparently this squirrel has been cranking out a shit load of babies next to Kenneth and Michelle’s “Yoga Room” window. Rather than being totally grossed out, they’ve created an entire website with pictures, videos, and a bunch of other squirrely crap.

Unfortch, this has predictably attracted the worst kinds of people:

Dear Mommy Squirrel,

How did you lose the baby weight? What do you think of the merits of homeschooling vs. public or private schools? Are organic nuts expensive? Please advise.

– Michelle

Dear Mrs. Sqirl,

What is it like to see these sqirls grow up and be big kids? What kind of nuts do you eat? Other than nuts what do you eat anything else?

Sincerily,

– Courtney

EPIC FAIL, Courtney and Michelle.

I myself once had a super intense hang sesh with a baby squirrel. After letting it nibble on my fingers, the wildlife lady I took it to said “it probably has rabies.” My little friend was taken away in an airtight plastic box and HAD ITS BRAIN REMOVED. I was told there is a 0.5% chance that I have dormant rabies, SO GREAT.

Hanging out in your yoga room with some adorb rodent pack seems so sweet and innocent. UNTIL THEY KILL YOU. I could go rabid any day.

MUGGINGS UP "SLIGHTLY" IN PARK SLOPE

Uhm, jayzus. From Gothamist:

"Tuesday night just after 11 pm I got mugged in Park Slope, on Park Place between 6th and 7th by two young African American women (this is a dark block with lots of big trees). I was robbed and bashed on the head by something that felt like a bottle (but may have been something else), and ended up in the hospital with stitches.The cops who came told me this is now a pattern - they are targeting women walking alone on dark streets and asking for directions, either to downtown or in my case, to Court Street. I screamed and they ran away, and grabbed my purse in the process. Please be careful, because they are not afraid to assault you. Previously, they tried to mug another woman on St. Johns, also in Park Slope, same m.o."

This prompted the 78th precinct to confirm that there has been a "slight uptick" in pslope robberies.

Ok, so word to the wise: if you're a lovely Park Slope lady and someone asks you for directions, run your ass off in the other direction FAST. Like you're chasing the Wafles & Dinges truck down 7th Avenue.

Of course the btchz at Brooklynian dove right into discussing this, and in record time,  it only took them 3 posts before moving the discussion on to racial profiling and name calling. I might submit that thread to the URDB just for funzies--it really is impressive.

This Week in WTF: Drunken Dog Fights

Do I really need to add dog ownership to my list of crazy, unlikely ways to go in Park Slope?

Because I just CANNOT believe the story of the black belt karate actor/bartender getting illkayed last week by this sorry, jowelly poodle-owning crazy man above. According to a friend, on top of being a poodle owner and a loose cannon, "Pagan is a chef who was preparing to launch a line of cooking spices."

What a way to die: trying to untangle your mini pinscher's leash from that of a felon's poodle outside a hipster hangout and accidentally brushing against fuckhead's wife, which so incenses him, he stabs you to death. (And, by the way, why did the perp only serve seven years for a prior murder?)

Hold the presses! According to Gothamist, it was a Shih Tzu, not a poodle. Even better. And in his defense, Pagan's wife told the Post, "He has slight bipolar. He couldn't focus. He has ADD. He has diabetes." 

I think we need to add to the don't take the bebe to a bar lecture, "LEAVE YOUR DOG AT HOME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT."

Also, leave your crazy bipolar, diabetic, attention-deficit-disordered felon chef (and his serrated knife) at home too!

BREAKING: People At The Park Slope Food Coop Hire Hookers!

Short of the raccoon decapitation story, I'm pretty sure this is the best submission we've ever received here at FIPS HQ.

You see that pic of that woman in a hoochie mama dress, wearing fuck me heels up above? Well someonnnnne who works at the Coop is looking for her cause this bitch allegedly stole their dog!? And she may or may not be a hooker!? And they're offering you cash mon-ay if you can find this little skank-a-rella! And two months worth of Coop shifts! (ok, kidding about that last bit...cause two Coop shifts would be worth more like $2500).

Anyway.

Our new fave Coop Spy is this dude Aaron Naparstak, who noticed this remarkable flyer on the bulletin board outside their office during his last make-up shift. And sidenote: Aaron also confirms that's its totally fucking annoying to work with all those mofos with tales of bitchtastical shift leaders and check-out girls who ring your ass up while on conference calls. But who cares about any of that shit now...THERE'S A HOOKER DOG THIEF ON THE LOOSE!

Our list of shit to be deathly afraid in Park Slope is gettin kinda hectic, hunh?:

• Bedbugs
• Tornadoes
• Raccoons
• Opposums
• Hooker Dog Thiefs

I'm off to get Oliver micro-chipped....AH-gain.