FIPS Parenting Tip: Get a Fucking Cup

How many times do you need to be kicked in the nuts by your kids before you'll break down and wear a full-on jockstrap and protective cup around the house?

Tonight at tuck-in time, as per our nightly ritual, my wife and I were on our bed reading stories to our two kids. So just like they do every night, the kids eventually start ignoring their bedtime story and begin bouncing around the bed like little crackheads. They will not yield despite our continuous, desperate pleas; all we want to do is get them to sleep so that we can shuffle to the kitchen and eat something before we DIE.

So the big one is standing above me on the bed, and I instinctively put my hands over my crotch. My reptilian brain performs this defensive action autonomically, because I've already been in this situation 8 billion times, and 95% of the time I end up getting kicked in the nuts.

My wife looks at my hand with distaste, and glares at me to "leave it alone!" as if it's a question of common decency and not a basic survival technique. The instant I obey her and remove my hand, she sends a telepathic tag-team message to my eldest kid, who launches a falling knee-dive straight onto my nuts. I swallow my own tongue and roll around the bed in agony.

If only there was some way I could defend myself! Some sort of device that would offer me confidence, protection, and support. Fuck this shit, really - I'm getting a cup. A cup is for protecting one's nuts in high-risk situations, and I'm in a continually high-risk situation. Why not?

What is the problem with getting a cup for home usage? Has anyone ever considered it? Doesn't it seem obvious? Now, the one clear hurdle is that you don't want your kids to be able to ever see a bulge or anything, lest they end up in therapy or foster care - but I'm sure it's easily avoidable by wearing the cup underneath shorts or loose sweatpants - right?

Just the thought of getting to stand up straight and proud, with the free use of both hands, not having to walk around cowering and trying to protect my vulnerables anytime there's running, flailing, or shenanigans. How liberating. It's going to lead to much healthier, more relaxed interactions for the whole family. I won't be so preoccupied with defending myself, won't get hurt as often, and my kids won't have to ask why Daddy's crying again.

Think of it like getting a cat de-clawed; it's better for us, and better for it.

Comments

[the FoOl]

may i posit the following:

perhaps in some strange way through the subconscious brain your kids know instinctually, if not explicitly, that they actually came from your nuts. That your nuts make the brothers and sisters. perhaps their haphazard attacks aren't so haphazard at all...
in a child's world the hottest commodity is parental attention. it is to children what oil is to the economy. maybe they're simply invoking a form of ruthless capitalism in which they seek to restrict the division of scarce resources by disabling the mechanism by which competitors are created - your nuts.If this is true then every kick, every blow, every assault upon your sac and taint could be perceived as them simply trying to protect their market share.

I'm fucking crazy you say? perhaps.

anyway a cup is no real solution. it still hurts like fuck cause the rim presses into your pelvic bone when its struck forcefully. might i suggest, at the risk of causing child services to fuck with your domestic, that next time your kid hits you in the balls you hit him back in his. don't drop him with full force, but let him know what he's fucking with in real terms. i bet he gives that shit up immediately.

(the end)

[Erica]

A Rod has some thoughts on this very issue: http://www.buzzfeed.com/laurencook/ball-practice-nv/