Dear Mayor Bloomberg: Why Do You Hate Blogs?

Image Via Gothamist

Dear Mr. Mayor,

Recently, you told the Atlantic that you prefer getting your news via broadsheet rather than on those things you call "blogs," and that you aren't even entirely sure what the difference is between a blog and a newspaper. You even added that you think we might be bringing society to a newer, dumber, level of journalism with these so-called "blogs."

Mr. Mayor, I'd like to make a case for a world in which we all can live together in some sort of journalistic Utopian society. First, you are right in some respects. I don't want to get my updates on international news from a place from some snarky bloggers . But when I want to hear about asshole babies, or an account of someone who was mugged at an upscale yogurt shop, I need a place to call my own. You think the NYT is gonna feature a story about tree sweaters? HELL NO.

Click to read more ...

An Open Letter To Jack Davenport of SMASH

Dear Jack Davenport,

Hi. How’s it going? You don’t know me yet, but my name is Dave, and I very well may be your best new friend.

Here’s the thing, Jack. I’m totally excited about the fact that, of all the neighborhoods in NYC, you and your gorgeous wife Michelle Gomez chose Park Slope to live in. It’s a fantastic place to live with a ton of great restaurants, bars and outdoor events. It’s removed from the hustle of the city, while still being close enough to get there on a short notice. Plus, we have Prospect Park right at our fingertips, and the bevy of activities that await there. The Botanical Gardens. The Zoo. The Brooklyn Museum. It’s a really fantastic place to raise children, which is why your 2-year-old son Harry will do real well here.

But you’re still kind of new to Park Slope. I mean, you’ve only lived here –- what -– a year? Right before you started filming SMASH, right? That’s not a lot of time. And with the stress of filming SMASH and all the press tours and whatnot, you probably didn’t get a lot of time to actually spend in the neighborhood. So let me give you some advice: watch out for those Park Slope moms.

Click to read more ...

An Open Letter To Business Websites With Mood Music On Their Homepage

Dear business websites with mood music on your homepage,

Please, stop. 

I come to your site to peruse a menu, look for directions or inquire about an apartment that I know I can't afford. While I can appreciate your love for Enya or smooth jazz, it literally does nothing for your business. You are not a musician. You are not selling music. If your goal is to repel, you may want to also consider employing the use of sparkly fonts and horizontal scrolling.

Click to read more ...

Apple Store Coming To Brooklyn? [NO]

An Apple Store Grows in Brooklyn from Marty Markowitz on Vimeo.

Dear Steve Jobs,

I'm very, very, very sorry for this ridiculous video...people in Brooklyn usually make way better shit than this.

Can we get an Apple store anyway?

Love,

FIPS

(via TUAW)

OPEN LETTER: STAY OFF MY SIDEWALKS

If you can find the fucking sidewalk, stay off it or else.

Dear Delivery Men of Park Slope,

First, let me start this off by saying I'm very grateful for you.  You do a job that I don't want to, and for a mere few extra bucks, indulge my sloth and gluttony right to my front doorstep.  I'd give you all one massive hug, but I'm usually too busy stuffing my face with Thai food that I make you deliver during the ninth blizzard in this month that's probably going on outside right now.

Now that that's out of the way, here's the deal.  Just because you are bringing some equally fat and lazy Slope resident delicious treats doesn't mean that you are allowed to ride your bike on the fucking sidewalk.  It does not mean you are allowed to put my health and life in danger.  And it definitely does not grant you the permission to keep going on a fucking straight trajectory while you expect me to dive into the bushes to avoid you, ostensibly testing my athletic ability to play human Frogger.

I'm sure you'll all tell me to get off my own ass and get my own food.  But that's beside the point.  And as long as I have this forum to bitch - and as long as you riding on the sidewalks is illegal, because I'm preeeety sure it is - I will continue to shout obscenities at you as you ride by.

Listen, I have sympathy - I was almost engaged to a man who delivered pizza throughout his teen years, so I not only understand how much your job blows, but also commiserate with your girlfriends who have to hear your whining about how undertipped you were.  But for fuck's sake, keep it off the sidewalks.

Compassion through bitching, 

Meredith