OPEN LETTER: STAY OFF MY SIDEWALKS

If you can find the fucking sidewalk, stay off it or else.

Dear Delivery Men of Park Slope,

First, let me start this off by saying I'm very grateful for you.  You do a job that I don't want to, and for a mere few extra bucks, indulge my sloth and gluttony right to my front doorstep.  I'd give you all one massive hug, but I'm usually too busy stuffing my face with Thai food that I make you deliver during the ninth blizzard in this month that's probably going on outside right now.

Now that that's out of the way, here's the deal.  Just because you are bringing some equally fat and lazy Slope resident delicious treats doesn't mean that you are allowed to ride your bike on the fucking sidewalk.  It does not mean you are allowed to put my health and life in danger.  And it definitely does not grant you the permission to keep going on a fucking straight trajectory while you expect me to dive into the bushes to avoid you, ostensibly testing my athletic ability to play human Frogger.

I'm sure you'll all tell me to get off my own ass and get my own food.  But that's beside the point.  And as long as I have this forum to bitch - and as long as you riding on the sidewalks is illegal, because I'm preeeety sure it is - I will continue to shout obscenities at you as you ride by.

Listen, I have sympathy - I was almost engaged to a man who delivered pizza throughout his teen years, so I not only understand how much your job blows, but also commiserate with your girlfriends who have to hear your whining about how undertipped you were.  But for fuck's sake, keep it off the sidewalks.

Compassion through bitching, 

Meredith