An Open Letter To Jack Davenport of SMASH

Dear Jack Davenport,

Hi. How’s it going? You don’t know me yet, but my name is Dave, and I very well may be your best new friend.

Here’s the thing, Jack. I’m totally excited about the fact that, of all the neighborhoods in NYC, you and your gorgeous wife Michelle Gomez chose Park Slope to live in. It’s a fantastic place to live with a ton of great restaurants, bars and outdoor events. It’s removed from the hustle of the city, while still being close enough to get there on a short notice. Plus, we have Prospect Park right at our fingertips, and the bevy of activities that await there. The Botanical Gardens. The Zoo. The Brooklyn Museum. It’s a really fantastic place to raise children, which is why your 2-year-old son Harry will do real well here.

But you’re still kind of new to Park Slope. I mean, you’ve only lived here –- what -– a year? Right before you started filming SMASH, right? That’s not a lot of time. And with the stress of filming SMASH and all the press tours and whatnot, you probably didn’t get a lot of time to actually spend in the neighborhood. So let me give you some advice: watch out for those Park Slope moms.

I know the thing celebrities like about NYC is that they can walk down the street and people generally leave them alone. But not long ago you took your son Harry to a local playground, and it caused such a stir among Park Slope moms that Page Six reported on it. Let me tell you what: that’s not going to stop happening. You are a damn attractive man (no homo), and a rising star on this side of the pond. And for some reason, the moms in this neighborhood have no problem gawking openly at you.

Don’t get me wrong -- I think it’s great that you’re taking your son Harry to the playground. There’s nothing I enjoy more than seeing a hot dad hanging out with his kid. But you, sir, are famous. You can’t just hang around Park Slope playgrounds with Harry anymore if you don’t want a bunch of crazy Park Slope moms going out and reporting your every move. I mean, do you ever see Peter Sarsgaard in the park with his two daughters? No. Because he knows those bitches will faun after him and Tweet about him and post pictures of him on Facebook. It’ll keep happening to you, too. Stories of quality time with your son will keep popping up everywhere. And one day you’re going to catch these playground ladies gawking at you, and you’re going to go ape shit on them, like your character on SMASH, Derek Wells, does every week... Or like your character on Coupling, Steve Taylor, would do... Or like your character in the Pirates of the Caribbean films, Norrington, did for three movies. And we can’t have that happening now, can we?

So take my advice and bring your wife to the playground with you. And maybe your assistant. And your nanny. And your super-talented parents, Nigel Davenport and Maria Aitken, if they’re in town. And then maybe people will back off your junk.

And fuck it, if you’re really desperate, give me a ring. We’ll hang out. Now that SMASH is done filming for the summer, you should have plenty of time on your hands. We could go check out Zito’s new 5th avenue location (I have it on good authority that you’re a fan). And we could talk about the amazing Ultimate SMASH Bingo Game. Or how much I miss Swingtown. Or what the fuck happened with FlashForward. And then we’ll go hang in the park with your son. And eat ice cream around all the other kids whose parents hate the vendors. And it’ll be great.

Sincerely,

NineDaves