TIME WARNER SUX: 'I live in the slope & my internet is running slower than the (fingers crossed) Guns-N-Roses Reunion tour'

The above is just one of the insanely entertaining comments left on our Time Warner Sucks a Dick post from yesterday. I'm definitely not a psychic, but I sure as hell predicted that none of the Time Warner comments would be positive, and needless to say, you bitches did NOT disappoint.

True, after 5 days of lies, excuses, and disinterest, our internet service *has* been restored (as of yesterday), however, we will not let that deter us in our quest to bring to light all of the ongoing retardedness and poor customer service that Time Warner keeps pumping out to its universally unhappy, disloyal customer base.

Rest assured Time Warner: we still hate the shit out of you!

Here's a nice little roundup of some other haterade I was able to pull up with a simple "I hate Time Warner" google search:

• Why I Hate Time Warner Cable, Businessweek
• I Hate Time Warner Cable, Gearbits
• I Hate Time Warner Cable!!, Yelp
• I HATE YOU TIME WARNER, Los Angeles Metblogs
• I Hate Time Warner Cable, The Nightly Daily

Oh, but wait: it wouldn't be fair to post all this negative shit without doing a fair and balanced "I love Time Warner" google search, right??

HAAAA!

This is pretty much the only thing I could come up with: Gee, I love Time Warner Cable--a sarcastic rant about why this person HATES Time Warner cable.

Are you out there FIOS?? I'm waiting...

Time Warner Sucks A Dick: It's ON!

Ok, bitches: its time to stop being polite and start getting real.

All weekend long, our internet has been out. So that's like going on SIX DAYS now. It was Thanksgiving weekend, and my ass was stuck at home. There's only so much fucking leftovers and stuffing one can eat before feelin' the itch to watch Youtube videos about cats or download porn, know what I'm sayin? Unfortch, that was not an option.

Ok, so let's play: guess who our cable provider is!???

I'll give you 3 hints:

1. They suck a gigantic hairy dick.

2. They are universally hated by every man, woman and child in the NYC metropolitan area.

3. In an informal poll (i.e. non-stop bitching on Twitter), their customer service has been rated most "FUCKED UP, HORRIBLE, HORRENDOUS, RIDONKULOUS" out of all of corporate America.

Yep, you guessed it! TIME MOTHERFUCKING WARNER!

They're giving us some bullshit about an "outage" causing our issues in N. Park Slope, but outages last a few hours, people...NOT SIX DAYS.

So, in celebration of our (almost) week long internet outage, I'd like to initiate a week long celebration of all the many, many, many, many ways in which Time Warner sux!

• If you are a BK/NYC blogger, I encourage you to blog about your own shitty experiences with Time Warner and share with the world your feelings about why you hope all TW employees get the H1N1 virus (email your posts to me, people! I will link to them on my blog! effedinparkslope at gmail dot com).
• If you are on Twitter, use the hashtag #timewarnersux to share some juicy TW rants with us all (@effedparkslope in your Tweet and I will retweet!).
• Leave your comments below. And don't hold back, bitches...you are in a safe place here.

We're comin after you Time Warner...and its not gonna be pretty.

Cafe Regular Throwdown

Though I get my caffeine fix from Diet Coke and don't really give a shit about coffee, I *do* love a good fight. And it seems like one is brewing at Cafe Regular.

The other day I received the following email:

Hey there --

The regulars of the coffee shop Cafe Regular (the original 5th Ave location) are in an uproar! Martin O'Connell, the longtime and legendarily sarcastic wizard of the espresso machine, was apparently ousted by his sister suddenly this week.  And renovations are planned for this holiday weekend, including the introduction of a computer, uniforms for the staff etc.  A drastic about-face for this much-loved, low-key neighborhood spot.

Maybe your blog could get to the bottom of these sudden changes? Thank you!

Thankfully Grub Street beat me to the punch (hint: its an old fashioned family feud!). Read all about it...

Platinum Babies [My Tivo *Just* Threw Up]

Thank fucking gawd I saw this post on McBrooklyn last week...otherwise it could have taken me months of googling and channel surfing before I came across this majestic new TV series from WE: Platinum Babies.

If you've ever seen their barftastical series Platinum Weddings, you can pretty much guess what we're dealing with here, but just in case, let me spell it out for you anyway:

"Tatyanna, a hip and eco-conscious writer, is not afraid to spend on her second child. Her family belongs to a trendy private lifestyle club in Soho, her friend invites her to a trunk show to preview exclusive maternity wear and the baby's christening happens on a Mediterranean island where the family is flown."

Oh, and you also should know that Tatyanna and her husband live in Brooklyn.

Click to read more ...

HANCO’S: YOUR VAGINA SMELLS

I had no mixed feelings about Tea Lounge on 7th Ave.: I danced on its grave (emotionally, anyway). The laptop losers hogged every square inch of usable furniture; the place was always a mess; and the service was, well—one time a disgruntled employee basically chucked my bagel at me because another customer had been unpleasant to deal with.

But wouldn’t you be if you walked in expecting a nice, relaxing cup of India’s finest, and instead were squeezed into a spot on a couch (spring shooting up and scratching the taint), trying to sip your chai latte while wedged between a breast feeder and some 40-something dude--likely her husband--browsing sections of Craigslist you didn’t ever want to know existed? Face it: Tea Lounge was a boil on the ass of South Slope.

So I was excited to see the arrival of Vietnamese sandwich joint Hanco’s. But I must say, while the food tasted ok, the front entry (Get it? The vagina?) of the store has always smelled like a strange mix of pork and poo. All. The. Time. Even at night, when the place is closed, I smell pork poo as I pass by.

I have no idea what’s going on by your backside, but Hanco’s, your main entryway soon could be attracting seagulls.

Say what you will about the Henry’s-Hanco’s dispute (sort of like the East Coast-West Coast hip-hop feud, only with baguettes), which supposedly involves turf warfare and recipe theft; I haven’t tried Henry’s yet. But I have walked by, and the front of the store smells just like it should, not like pork poo.

Who do you think wins the battle of the banh mi?

Only one sandwich in, I vote for the one whose vagina smells cleaner.

Be nice to Eric, and buy his book First Big Crush: The Down and Dirty on Making Great Wine Down Under. You know you wanna.